Monday, February 10, 2014

"Please Don't Hit Me, Juan, Even Though I Deserve It!"

I just mean that I don't 100% trust that Juan is evolved as a man--I have a prejudice that he's old school/old world--like, that he wants a wife who will cook and take care of the house and his baby and help him put in his hair mousse at a moments notice. It's the way he touches them, with playful slaps and how says that everything they do is cute, like their jobs.

The girls have moved from Vietnam to New Zealand and they are thrilled to be in the new New Zealand and not the old New Zealand. I am just noticing that I think Clare has a had a boob job. I need some bikini time to confirm and I'm sure that's coming. How are the girls still surprised that some of them are going on on-on-one dates? They are no longer putting the women's names up on the screen and that is a huge handicap for me because I don't know which one is the pediatric nurse and which one is the psychiatric nurse and which one is the nanny. I do know that Sharlene is the opera singer.

Andi gets to be alone with Juan Pablo, who again puts her in a headlock for a kiss. Does he forget that she's not a soccer player? He does pretty much everything but give her a noogie and the "ay-yi-yi's" are flowing freely. The water is really cold and he casually broaches the subject of how size shouldn't matter. Andi doesn't care at this moment, she's freezing and being forced to go through what look like super narrow rocks in the water, but let's be real, it can't be that tiny if an entire camera crew can also get through. She said, "We're literally in a tunnel." STOP USING LITERALLY SO MUCH. Just say, We're in a tunnel. They happen to find a very intense waterfall and if I were Andi, I would be worried about getting water up my nose. They make out with ten gallons of water rushing down on them and Andi hanging on for dear life and also wrapping her legs around him like this:


I used to have  koala pencil hugger--remember those? The little animals that you put on the end of your pencil or pen that made it too heavy to write with?

He takes her to dinner near a natural geyser with steam rising in the background. It's obviously zero degrees out because they are both wearing parkas. How does neither one of them make a joke or sexual reference about the exploding geysers? Like, why can't Juan Pablo say something a little funny like, "I know how that geyser feels right now! Ay-yi-yi!!" Instead, they are forced to leave and run into a Denny's. As if. I'm sure the producers have a plan B?  I wonder if Andi has ever considered dyeing all of her hair instead of just the first two thirds of it? What do  you know, Juan Pablo has a rose for her stuffed inside of his pants. She absolutely, blah, blah, blah.

He likes to kiss and talk at the same time, which is totally awkward and leads to no tongue, which might be part of his plan as he has already decided he's in love with Sharlene.

Group date: the girls are put in giant plastic bubbles and made to roll down the hill in their bikinis. Who came up with this? Five nipple slips so far.  They are all having a ton of fun, though some of them wonder how he will get to know them better when they are just spending all this time in a plastic ball instead of revealing their souls. Little do they know that there is an old New Zealand saying that the way to a man's heart is through his balls. That's what my mom always told me, anyway.

Later on, they sit around laughing at whatever he says and pondering another in a growing series of Member's Only jackets he wears. He takes Renee the real estate mom away first. Renee tells him that her son had a breakdown. This might be his cue to send her home. I know someone is going home prematurely because I saw the previews.  It might also be Clare before we can solve the mystery of her breasts. Renee says that she would love to kiss Juan Pablo for the rest of her life. Nikki wears a sparkly night club skirt. Guitar music plays in the background as she says her lines about falling for him, but it's scary, but she also doesn't want to have any regrets and no matter what happens, she thinks it will totally be worth it and you only live once and it is what it is and a rolling stone gathers no moss and just do it, and the every kiss begins with K.

Sharlene has straightened her hair. She sits down next to him; and he lunges at her with his mouth open, like boys used to do in high school. She goes, "Wow, you really cut to the chase," and he says, "I do not know what this means."  How long will Sharlene go on pretending to like him? She must constantly balance her feelings and her desire to stay on the show for just a little while longer.  He tries to hypnotize her by saying a bunch of dumb stuff while stroking her face as if she were a kitten, "Just enjoy this. Don't question this."  Guess what, every man, you do not have to hold a woman's chin while you kiss her. They only do that in the movies to keep the shot in line.

Cassandra drones on and on and Juan struggles to keep his eyes open. She has both a cleft chin and a dimple, which seems unfair. He must give out a rose to someone and he says that he hates it but he thinks he will have a happy ending tonight. Aw, bummer, he gives the rose to Sharlene. She breaks the script. Instead of saying absolutely, she says, "Sure," like he just offered her a piece of spearmint gum.

He takes Cassandra aside and breaks up with her, saying that she's gorgeous, funny, and so nice,  and he wishes they were in the same chapter. He's thought a lot about it and he wants to let her go, so she can be reunited with her son. She could give a shit less about her son; she's just devastated that he couldn't see past her awkwardness. As she leaves, they play the B-side of an old Maroon 5 album to dramatize the loss. The women are shocked--omigod, what? Did he push her off a cliff? they wonder to themselves, not out aloud, as he may decide to kill them too.

Juan found it really difficult to let Cassandra go, but not difficult to show his daughter on TV for millions of pedophiles to watch her dance. Yes, I had to go there. There's not much else happening on this show.

One-on-one date with Clare and I hope she's up front with him and doesn't take any of his shit. She says that she wants an apology and then maybe she'll like him. She asks him why he didn't say no, and he says that he didn't say no because he didn't want to devastate her. They are wearing matching white shirts. He says that he didn't think it was right to go into the ocean and swim in front of his daughter. There is really an easy fix for this--don't let his daughter watch the show. Done. Or, don't go on a show where you are going to have the chance to spend the night with three different women.

Clare just used the word "bolt" and he didn't understand what she meant. I am beginning to think there might be a much more significant language barrier than we first suspected. She begins to gesture more when she speaks, making hand motions as if speaking to a deaf person so that he can understand her.Then she goes to change into something more comfortable and comes out in hammer sweat pants (?) and he says that she looks hot. How many outfits are they supposed to have for one date? Does she also have a hazmat suit in case he takes her to a nuclear power plant? I think they're going to go too far yet again and then he'll have to tell her it wasn't right again.

Chris sits down to have a serious conversation with Juan about the cocktail party and nothing much comes of it. Must be filler needed.  A few of the blondes will be going home tonight--Kat and Chelsea--I think. Sharlene arrives with her hair in a matronly bun and wrapped in a shawl. She is thinking, Why the hell did my agent think I should be on this show? I am going to get zero opera gigs from this move.

He does this thing with the women where he's not imaginative enough to ask his own questions, so when they ask him something, he asks it right back.

How do you feel about me?
How do you feel about me?
What do you like about me?
What do YOU like about ME?
What would you do if I got cramps?
What would you do if I got cramps?
Is there an echo in here?
What is an "echo?"

Renee really likes to pull out the child card at a moment's notice. Juan says there's nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid. I can think of like 500 things that are more attractive than hearing someone talk about her kid. A thousand things.

Chelsea and Kat talk together about how it is totally obvious that both of them are going to go home. Juan takes Chelsea aside and she uses the word "frazzled" and he doesn't know what she means so she illustrates it by talking too fast, and telling him too much, and giggling. He gives her a hug which is the kiss of death. Kat talks about how she's been journaling about the experience and then she mentions her daddy issues and how her dad was never there for her because he was a drunk. This is the most desperate move of all--the "feel sorry for me and please don't kick me off because I had a rough childhood" move. How do you think the woman feels whose dead mother's last wish was that she go onto The Bachelor and then she went home the second night?  She is throwing things at the TV right now, maybe even her mother's ashes.

Final rose ceremony, but first, Sharlene will have to remove herself from the show, which will devastate Juan because he's been misreading her since the very beginning. I just want this to be over so I can have a (very small) bowl of Frosted Flakes.  I can't believe the goal of this show is for him to find a wife. That's what Chris just said anyway.


"Hi, girls," he says. "Me ninas" (for those of you who don't know,  this means "girls" in Spanish. Just in case we forgot he was from another country or were starting to assume he's not that bright).
Already have roses: Sharlene, Clare, and I forget. Ali? Andi?
First rose: Nikki
Second rose: Renee
Last rose:  Chelsie, even though she acted like she was high on crack.

Going home: Kat, to write about it in her journal.

Sharlene can't believe what a sell-out she is. She hates herself right now, but damnit, that's the price of fame. Everyone knows that most successful opera stars start out on reality shows, so what's the big deal? It was either this show or The Apprentice and she just didn't have enough power suits.

Stop calling them girls.

Next week: they're going to stupid Miami. Drama between Clare and Nikki, Sharlene doubts herself, and he sheds some tears.

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