First home town date: Nikki in Kansas City
|Photo courtesy of my friend Kristine|
Nikki has two younger brothers, a mom and a dad and a house with a fireplace big enough to roast a Juan Pablo in. Dad may be using a hair dye or wearing a toupee. He seems like a nice man, but I don't trust his hair. Mom wants to talk to Nikki and see if there is both a physical and emotional attachment. Nikki says, Wha?? She's too swayed by the sexual attraction to even know what her mom is talking about. "There's just something about him that I can't put my finger on, but it's awesome and there's something magical about him," she says. I don't think I've ever thought I was in love with someone without being able to articulate why. She has to say that he's magical, because she doesn't know anything about him at all--like, other than the
word awesome, she can't think of one (Juan?) other adjective to use to describe him. They stand outside of Nikki's mansion and he says that she's very cute. Ew, he's slimy. Please, please, don't say it. She doesn't, thank God, but then she stupidly goes, "I just don't understand why I couldn't say it to him? Why couldn't I tell him I loved him? Why?Why?!"
Second home town date: Ali or Andi in Atlanta, GA
Dad is skeptical of this Juan Pablo. He, like every other sane person in the world, doesn't really buy this Lothario's act. He says, "I'm looking at two people who are a little infatuated with one another. but he may be infatuated with her, or with any one of these other three girls." Andli's mom is cute, but Andli herself sounds like she has a perpetually stuffed up nose. Andli's mom asks JP what he finds special about her daughter, and he says..."Uh, well, she's pretty and uh...she has brown hair...I think she has a brain." Mom forces Juan and her daughter to dance salsa together. So awful. JP says that his way of finding a partner is to first see if she'll be a good mom and then if he'll decide if he likes her. Well, that should be easy!
(Aside, I have no desire to see the movie Gravity on Blu-Ray, even though it has been nominated for 100 Academy Awards. Even the previews make me feel like I can't breath; something about the idea of being trapped in space that triggers me).
JP asks dad if he would be accepting of him if he asked Andli to marry him and Dad basically says, "Put yourself in my shoes. Would you accept someone who is also dating three other women?" Andli asks her cuter sister if she thinks they're a good match and her sister said, "I just don't know." They are drinking wine out of giant fishbowl glasses. Dad tells Andli that he has only one concern, that she doesn't get hurt. Dad obviously thinks she's nutso for even being on the show in the first place. Andli says she's very close to being in love with him. Like this close:
Third hometown date: Renee, Sarasota, FL
They meet in a bunch of sea grass and she's wearing a bikini under her see-through blouse. For some reason, when he first sees her, he says, "Welcome to Sarasota." They sit in a field in the grass, waiting for her son and her ex-husband to show up with a shotgun. What if this show suddenly took a turn and became an episode of 48 Hours, where the murders always involve people from Florida or New Jersey exclusively?
My guess is that Renee will get sent home. JP sits with mom on the smallest coach ever made. Meanwhile, Renee says good night to her son and says how proud she is of him for... acting normal? Mom offers a down home witticism by saying, "You can love your pets, but you need to be in love with your partner." She got that from a fortune cookie at the Chinese Express. Dad says that he can tell that they're in love. They all squish on the sofa and then JP decides it's time to leave. I am so sick of his five o'clock shadow and him pretending to care what they're thinking when he obviously doesn't. I am also sick of him playing with their eyebrows. I feel like he read a manual or got some coaching on how to pretend to be a sweet guy. Renee also isn't able to tell him that she loves him. Hmm...
This is what came up when I Googled "Welcome to Sarasota:" Apropos, no?
Fourth home town date: Clare, Sacramento, CA
Clare tells a touching story about her dying father while Juan Pablo feels her up on a public park bench. She's describing this most heartfelt story about a rock and JP is having a hard time staying focused because a couple of kids are kicking a soccer ball nearby. How many pairs of sneakers does he own? These are electric blue, the ones before were electric orange. "Go ahead, throw a rock in memory of your dead dad," he says, and immediately after she does, he sticks his tongue down her throat.
In meeting all fifteen of Clare's sister and carrying a bouquet, JP gets confused and gives every one of them a rose, except for Grandma, who gets sent home in a limo.
They are clearly the poorest family of all. Clare is talking to a lady who may be her sister or may be her mother if she had Clare when she was fifteen. Mom and Daddy knew each other for three weeks before they got married. Clare apparently has a tender heart, the sister says. I wouldn't have guessed it. She seemed tough as nails to me before this.
"Every time she talks to me, I put herself underneath my shoes," he says, and everyone pretends like that makes sense.
Her least attractive and largest sister confronts her about how weird the situation is and the fact that she can't stop crying. Is mom Latino? Why won't the sister sit down and/or let Clare and the mom talk together? I didn't understand any of it and it seems like JP has fallen asleep on the futon upstairs.
Hardest rose ceremony ever, Nowheresville, Hollywood
The four women have to get back together once again. Here comes Nikki in a tiny dress with her roots showing from both ends. Clare wears a red dress that shows off her cleavage, and Andli has an off the shoulder black dress. Renee is doomed in a blue dress. He doesn't want anyone with substance--he wants a baby doll, like Nikki. Nikki is perfect for him. Even Clare has a little too much substance for him.
He says, "You guys look good, holy moly!" Can someone coach him (and all of the other bachelors who do the same thing) not to call the women guys?
First rose: Nikki will accept this rose and any card you may have for a new hair dresser.
Second rose: Clare will accept this rose and so will her heaving breasts.
Third rose: Andli will accept this rose and then decide to go home in the next episode.
Going home: Renee, whose life is too real.
He will fake some tears of regret, and she, I hope, will take it calmly. He wishes he could marry all of them or at least continue rotating them around. Renee says she's never felt this way before about anyone, but she's grateful that he opened her eyes to a whole new world of...I'm not sure what. What she doesn't want in a man?