Monday, February 24, 2014

Family Time + Language Barriers = Awkward TV

I wrote the above title and the show has not yet started. It's my guess that Juan will not really know how to best talk to mom and dad, but, depending on the family, mom and dad might not care all that much--they'll just be happy to be on TV.

First home town date: Nikki in Kansas City
Photo courtesy of my friend Kristine
She wants to know how Juan feels about the other girls. Oh, I wish they  would make him to do a lot of the dumb shit they had to do on his dates--like making him ride a unicycle naked in a Shriner's parade wearing a clown hat. "What is this thing called bbq?" he says, feigning (?) idiocy. Oh, goodie, she's going to force him to ride a bull. He jumps right onto the fake bull and they have it on the kid speed. Turn it up, man! Finally, he falls off really just from leaning over too far. Nikkie wants to tell him that' she's in love with him.  She's hesitant, for some reason, perhaps because she's only spent about half an hour with him collectively?

Nikki has two younger brothers, a mom and a dad and a house with a fireplace big enough to roast a Juan Pablo in. Dad may be using a hair dye or wearing a toupee. He seems like a nice man, but I don't trust his hair. Mom wants to talk to Nikki and see if there is both a physical and emotional attachment. Nikki says, Wha?? She's too swayed by the sexual attraction to even know what her mom is talking about. "There's just something about him that I can't put my finger on, but it's awesome and there's something magical about him," she says. I don't think I've ever thought I was in love with someone without being able to articulate why. She has to say that he's magical, because she doesn't know anything about him at all--like, other than the
word awesome, she can't think of one (Juan?) other adjective to use to describe him. They stand outside of Nikki's mansion and he says that she's very cute. Ew, he's slimy. Please, please, don't say it. She doesn't, thank God, but then she stupidly goes, "I just don't understand why I couldn't say it to him? Why couldn't I tell him I loved him? Why?Why?!"

Second home town date: Ali or Andi in Atlanta, GA

We already know that Andli is the one who decides to go home after spending the night with him in the fantasy suite. I read about it in US magazine. Andli takes him to shoot guns. Of course, though I never suspected she was a redneck, but maybe if you're from Georgia, you have to carry? She tells him he can't go home with her until he shoots a bullseye. Is this some kind of sexual innuendo? Like, is there some correlation between being able to shoot a gun and, I don't know, being able to find a woman's cervix? I missed that day in health class.

Dad is skeptical of this Juan Pablo. He, like every other sane person in the world, doesn't really buy this Lothario's act. He says, "I'm looking at two people who are a little infatuated with one another. but he may be infatuated with her, or with any one of these other three girls."  Andli's mom is cute, but Andli herself sounds like she has a perpetually stuffed up nose. Andli's mom asks JP what he finds special about her daughter, and he says..."Uh, well, she's pretty and uh...she has brown hair...I think she has a brain." Mom forces Juan and her daughter to dance salsa together. So awful. JP says that his way of finding a partner is to first see if she'll be a good mom and then if he'll decide if he likes her. Well, that should be easy!

(Aside, I have no desire to see the movie Gravity on Blu-Ray, even though it has been nominated for 100 Academy Awards. Even the previews make me feel like I can't breath; something about the idea of being trapped in space that triggers me).

JP asks dad if he would be accepting of him if he asked Andli to marry him and Dad basically says, "Put yourself in my shoes. Would you accept someone who is also dating three other women?" Andli asks her cuter sister if she thinks they're a good match and her sister said, "I just don't know." They are drinking wine out of giant fishbowl glasses. Dad tells Andli that he has only one concern, that she doesn't get hurt.  Dad obviously thinks she's nutso for even being on the show in the first place. Andli says she's very close to being in love with him. Like this close:


Third hometown date: Renee, Sarasota, FL

They meet in a bunch of sea grass and she's wearing a bikini under her see-through blouse. For some reason, when he first sees her, he says, "Welcome to Sarasota." They sit in a field in the grass, waiting for her son and her ex-husband to show up with a shotgun. What if this show suddenly took a turn and became an episode of 48 Hours, where the murders always involve people from Florida or New Jersey exclusively?

The kid is this dorky eight year old wearing his baseball uniform. I hope that there's actually a game and that it's not just what he wanted to wear. Renee has a thumb ring; that's Florida for you. JP isn't terrible with the kid; I guess because they kind of match on a maturity level. This kid better be good at softball or JP will break up with her. No pressure on the kid--all these TV cameras everywhere. He at least makes it to first base, while mom is hoping for a home run, if you know what I mean.

My guess is that Renee will get sent home. JP sits with mom on the smallest coach ever made. Meanwhile, Renee says good night to her son and says how proud she is of him for... acting normal? Mom  offers a down home witticism by saying, "You can love your pets, but you need to be in love with your partner."  She got that from a fortune cookie at the Chinese Express. Dad says that he can tell that they're in love. They all squish on the sofa and then JP decides it's time to leave. I am so sick of his five o'clock shadow and him pretending to care what they're thinking when he obviously doesn't. I am also sick of him playing with their eyebrows. I feel like he read a manual or got some coaching on how to pretend to be a sweet guy. Renee also isn't able to tell him that she loves him. Hmm...

This is what came up when I Googled "Welcome to Sarasota:" Apropos, no?


Fourth home town date: Clare, Sacramento, CA 

Clare tells a touching story about her dying father while Juan Pablo feels her up on a public park bench. She's describing this most heartfelt story about a rock and JP is having a hard time staying focused because a couple of kids are kicking a soccer ball nearby. How many pairs of sneakers does he own? These are electric blue, the ones before were electric orange. "Go ahead, throw a rock in memory of your dead dad," he says, and immediately after she does, he sticks his tongue down her throat.

In meeting all fifteen of Clare's sister and carrying a bouquet, JP gets confused and gives every one of them a rose, except for Grandma, who gets sent home in a limo.

They are clearly the poorest family of all. Clare is talking to a lady who may be her sister or may be her mother if she had Clare when she was fifteen. Mom and Daddy knew each other for three weeks before they got married. Clare apparently has a tender heart, the sister says. I wouldn't have guessed it. She seemed tough as nails to me before this.

"Every time she talks to me, I put herself underneath my shoes," he says, and everyone pretends like that makes sense.

Her least attractive and largest sister confronts her about how weird the situation is and the fact that she can't stop crying. Is mom Latino? Why won't the sister sit down and/or let Clare and the mom talk together? I didn't understand any of it and it seems like JP has fallen asleep on the futon upstairs.

A little white terrier dog is running around, which is at least something positive. Clare doesn't want her big sister to talk to JP alone and the mom is a mute. This family is still reeling about the loss of their dad. They are being swayed by his pretending that he wants to be more like the dead dad. If I knew I were going to be on a TV show, I might choose to wear something other than a v-neck T-shirt. Juan speaks Spanish to Clare's Venezuelan mother. She is beautiful, though wearing an afghan. The mom is trying to explain her feelings and Juan interrupts her to give her a hug so that he can get the hell out of there. Clare also did not tell him that she loves him.

Hardest rose ceremony ever, Nowheresville, Hollywood

The four women have to get back together once again. Here comes Nikki in a tiny dress with her roots showing from both ends. Clare wears a red dress that shows off her cleavage, and Andli has an off the shoulder black dress. Renee is doomed in a blue dress. He doesn't want anyone with substance--he wants a baby doll, like Nikki. Nikki is perfect for him. Even Clare has a little too much substance for him.

He says, "You guys look good, holy moly!" Can someone coach him (and all of the other bachelors who do the same thing) not to call the women guys?

First rose: Nikki will accept this rose and any card you may have for a new hair dresser.
Second rose: Clare will accept this rose and so will her heaving breasts.
Third rose: Andli will accept this rose and then decide to go home in the next episode.
Going home: Renee, whose life is too real.

He will fake some tears of regret, and she, I hope, will take it calmly. He wishes he could marry all of them or at least continue rotating them around. Renee says she's never felt this way before about anyone, but she's grateful that he opened her eyes to a whole new world of...I'm not sure what. What she doesn't want in a man?

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