Monday, February 3, 2014

Rappelling in Vietnam = True Love

The eleven girls are so excited to be in Vietnam, which a couple of them vaguely recall as the exact location World War II started. Of course, they are staying at a luxury hotel with a great view of the impoverished villages below. First date card is opened by that girl who looks like she would always be typecast as the bitchy cheerleader in a teen movie. Renee gets the first one-on-one date though she's like ten years too old for him, since he only dates women twenty years younger.

Juan Pablo says, "Renee was so cute."  Past tense. He wears a yellow T-shirt and already has a sweat stain on his back that she just hugged. He makes her get in a petty cab and though he doesn't comment on her weight, he's having trouble peddling behind her. Both of them are single parents, so that's a good point of connection. He takes her to a fabric shop to outfit her in a traditional Vietnamese dress. He does that thing where he's hugging her backwards in this kind of strangle hold. The seamstress measures her tiny breasts and says, "You wear same size as my son." They are enjoying the native culture, ohhiing and ahhiing at all the cute people laden with baskets. They buy clothes for the two children and it melts her heart. They sit in one of the people's canoes drinking beer, not allowing that family to fish for the evening's food.  Renee appears wearing her new custom made, hand made dress with high slits up the sides. I just remembered that if he doesn't give her a rose, she will have to go home. Renee talks about how she got married young. She leans in for a kiss with her eyes closed and he blows on her face.

Back at the house, all of the girls have decided to wear ponytails and athletic gear except for Sharlene, who for some reason, is wearing a huge sweater with a wide turtleneck, perhaps to protect her throat in case she needs to burst into song.

Back at the solo date, he says, "Renee is not just a mom, she is a beautiful women." Plural. He dangles the rose in front of her face and then offers it to her. They almost kiss, but instead it becomes an awkward hug. Renee says, "It is what it is." They are choosing which Vietnamese children they want to adopt and then making a wish. She wishes that she won't be forced to take one of the children with them on the rest of their date.

Group date #1: I count nine tank tops and just as many pairs of tiny denim shorts. They're going to go canoeing on the bamboo circular boats. He forces them to pick partners and ends up with Clare (that's the evil teen cheerleader). He immediately takes off his shirt. He takes Clare into the woods and makes out with her. The other girls wish Claire would drown.  Juan Pablo invites himself and the nine women into a family's home for dinner to illustrate occupation. The women are forced to go into the garden to pick bamboo shoots. Dan keeps making diarrhea jokes, but I'm not quoting him here because I don't want to encourage that type of commentary.  They all sit down to a traditional meal with chopsticks, except for Clare who doesn't like to, like, eat. Later, he grabs Clare to go have some alone time and the dog lover wants to know if they should just take the rose and go down and give it to her. Clare pretends to like trying new things. I think Juan just wants to make out with Clare who does the baby voice all the time. Suddenly, they're in their bathing suits. Juan likes that he's pushing her out of her comfort zone. How is swimming in a heated pool out of her comfort zone? Make her jump off something, for God's sake. I think they're actually having sex underwater.

Sharlene walks on the beach with him in the lowest cut dress I've ever seen and no bra. She needs to know that he sees her as a panda in a room full of brown bears. I think that's one of her lines from Aida.

He has some more dates with the women and makes out with all of them with the waves roaring in the background. Ali takes it to second base again, "sorry, mom," she says. I forget what second base is. Is that breasts or anal penetration while still wearing your bikini bottom? On this show, I think it's the latter. One "ay-yi-yi" so far. He gives the rose to Claire for getting out her comfort zone and having sex on national television.

Clare leaves the girls to sneak up to Juan's room at 4 a.m. He's embarrassed to be seen wearing a cucumber facial mask. He agrees to go swimming in the ocean with her. Isn't that cheating for her to sneak in an extra date? He says that Clare is "en pajamas" which doesn't mean what it sounds like. Two ay-yi-yi's. Listen people, tell me that she did not go all the way with him while nearly drowning? She compares the experience to being a baby giraffe walking on new legs. So, okay, yes, she did. I believe that's a home run.

Words can't even describe how excited Nikki is for the one-on-one date, and yet she keeps talking. Are thin headbands in now? Nikki has the thickest, more unreal mermaid hair ever and is fourteen years old, so this all might be illegal. He low-fives her. He takes her into the woods and little does she know that he's going to be forcing her to drop down into a deep cave, which is part of Juan's personal journey back to his mother's womb. Nikki admits that she might poop her pants. If only. Dan says, in Juan Pablo's voice, "Is that urine running down your leg? Es okay." This is easier, I think, than jumping off a bridge, but it's still a sucky date. Juan Pablo tries to distract her by attempting to mount her while she's simultaneously wetting herself and throwing up. Es okay! Ay-y-yi!

Wait, are we somehow at the bottom of the cave where candles have been set up and she has been able to change her clothes and re-do her hair? They skipped the part where they had to call the paramedics to revive her. He can't even pronounce the name of her job. "Nikki, you are a pedophile nurse? What is that?" She is amazed that he actually wants to hear about her super interesting job.  Dan wants to know why the women never ask him inane questions like, "Why do you enjoy kicking an inflatable ball between the legs of a bunch of men?"  She seems sincere and possibly also too smart for him. She accepts the rose and he smashes her head into a forceful kiss. He says, "I'm so glad I picked you for this one," and flicks her nose.

Final cocktail party.  Ali finds the lanterns enchanting. He is going to be sending three people home, and Chelsie says "That seems like a huge chunk of girls." Or maybe she said, "That seems like he should send home the chunky girls." Clare makes a comment about how they should all toast to making love in the ocean in the middle of the night. Little does she know that he will be sending her home possibly, using that tired double-standard where she's good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to be a mommy. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong.

Ali and Juan have two kisses where their teeth collide. He keeps saying that he wants to kiss Renee, but
he can't because she has a son. I do not get it. He finally kisses her just to stop her from talking.

Juan tells Clare that he feels like what they did wasn't right. He says he's trying to be as fair as possible by being unfair to her. She says it's not about being fair, but about following their hearts. He tells her that even though he went with her into the ocean and enjoyed it, they shouldn't have done it. Can he let her talk for one second? He says, "Look at me, stop crying, I don't like it when you don't look at me and if you don't stop crying, I won't tell you anything else." A classic abuser. DICK move. Oh, wouldn't it be cool if Clare just went home on her own? Like, if she suddenly recognized that he was being a jerk and that she deserved better and so she made the choice to leave instead of second guessing herself and waiting for him to reject her?  She says, "If you didn't want to go in the ocean with me, why didn't you say no?" He says, "Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings." No, no, look at me, NO, it was because you wanted to make out with her in the ocean and you weren't thinking with your brain.

Final rose ceremony:

Ali says this is the biggest cut they've had the whole time, as though it's an Olympic heat. Chris points out that the mood has shifted, but he thinks it's a good thing because at least something moderately interesting happened.

Safe are: Clare, Renee, and Nikki
Cue Ninja music and drums that sound like someone is about to be assassinated.

First rose: Sharlene, she got very little air time.
Second rose: Cassandra
Third rose: Chelsie, one of the blondes who is not Nikki.
Fourth rose: Cathy/Pat?, the other blonde who is also not Nikki.
Final rose: Andi, the DA.

Going home: Darn the dog lover is going home, so that means there will be nothing even remotely resembling humor on any of the remaining episodes, unless it's accidental. Yes, he sent home the sort of black girl, Danielle. He wipes a single tear from his eye. How come we don't get to hear what these girls have to say about their rejection? Oh, Alli, the nanny is sad. Sharlene has tears pouring down her face because it reminds her of a scene from some other opera (I only know the one). No words from the dog lover?? That means she didn't have a sad enough sound byte.

Next week: balloons, waterfalls, speed boats, best days of their entire lives, drama with Clare, a bomber jacket, fog, Sharlene feels like the process is a little inorganic for her. Yes, exactly.

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