Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Diabolical Fantasy Suite/Don't Sleep with Soccer Players

I learned this lesson about soccer players in high school when I had a crush on a guy named Charlie D. who was a year older than me and had a gravelly voice and green eyes and worked as a janitor in McDonalds. That's a great job for a high school  kid living in Florida. I'm not saying I slept with him, because I am pure as a Sunday snow storm, but I did learn that you can't trust a guy who kisses you in the women's rest room and presses you up against the hand dryer while wearing coveralls and carrying a mop. More on that another time.

Tonight is the non-shocking reveal of Andi leaving the show because JP sleeps with her in the fantasy suite and then tells her she' so-so as a contestant . We know about it all because of the endless previews and because of this cover of US Weekly.

Dan asks, "Is this the fellatio suite episode?" He's been working on that line for a while.

We start with Clare and what else? A yacht, of course! She's not sure if she will say yes to the fantasy suite card, but we know that she will. She wears a long white wedding dress to dinner. Clare has that baby talk thing going on where she is all coy and acts like a little girl, pursing her lips and wearing a giant necklace with her dad's name on it, "Joseph" in large gold letters. JP just wants to sleep with all of these women. Clare asks if it's weird that she would want to meet Camilla. He's again barely listening. Clare reads the card from Chris Harrison, who has very nice handwriting. Dan says, "The card even comes with a Trojan." And a do-it-yourself  STD test, I hope.  Clare keeps bringing up his daughter, which is a total buzz kill. JP is picking his toenails, and you can't blame him, because his toes are huge and he is wearing flip-flops. He says, "I am 100 percent, how you say, happy?" You say "happy" in just that way, JP. Bellissimo!

They go back to the how you say, fellatio suite and toast to all that. He tells all the women that they are so cute. CUTE. White terrier dogs are cute. "How are you thinking so much?" he says, pinching her nose, pulling her lips, rubbing her cheek, grabbing her earring. She says that she's enjoying falling in love with him, and he says, "It's okay," and rubs his mysterious orange bracelet on her forehead. STOP TOUCHING HER FACE! Suddenly, the bitchy sister pops out and pulls them apart! I wish. She says, "Ever since you put the bandana on me and said that I should trust you, I did." Except she clearly doesn't, or she wouldn't be making such a big deal about it. Cue the hot tub and the mandolins. She wants to have babies with him and she's starting right now among the bubbles.

By the way, this is what comes up when you Google "fantasy suite." I can't tell if it's a rose-filled hot tub or pictures by the first photographer on the scene of a brutal disembowelment.


Next up, Andi. He wears a wife beater and takes her to a village in Saint Lucia and we are forced to listen to annoying tin drums. Andi is an extrovert and jumps right in and starts pounding the drums. He says that Andi always goes with the flow. We'll see about that. They try to give food to a little lost black boy and feed him pieces of corn and chicken with their hands. Is this charming or freaking condescending? JP forces the villagers to play soccer, the better to show off his bare chest. Next, he steals a Jeep and they go for a drive in the mountains with the cops in hot pursuit. He takes her to a designated spot that will no doubt have a waterfall. I am right, for the 5,000 time. The only thing they haven't done yet is to go up in a helicopter. Or have they? They all blur together after a while.  JP amazes me by actually remembering that her dad gave him a hard time. They make out in under the water, again. I mean, he did it once before, but not with her, I don't think.

When you Google "waterfall romances" you get a series of pictures of this couple and their pug, which I think is a way more realistic representation of romance than any of this nonsense.


They sit on a tiny sofa that might be outdoors or it might be indoors. Why are the crickets so damn loud? I guess that means they're outdoors or else they need an exterminator. He says that there is nothing wrong with thinking, sometimes. He wants to know if she is forcing it or not. She recovers well, making up some nonsense about being concerned about his daughter. The word "concern" gets bandied around about ten more times. He says he doesn't know if she will be a good mother, but he does think she might be a good babysitter whenever he needs to go out. He actually really said that. Kind of. They read the card and pretend to be concerned about whether they will do it or not. They go back to the fantasy suite and he tells the camera that she would be great wife material.

JP puts on the same wife beater shirt. He says that she has cute round chipmunk cheeks. He demonstrates by pinching his own cheeks. Andi comes down to see him in a long dress. She says that she could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite--that the fantasy suite was really a nightmare. He does not seem to have a clue. She says that he told stories about himself and wasn't listening to her at all. He didn't ask her any questions and she's blown away by the name dropping and that he talked about his over night with Clare. She says, "It's really important for me to be with someone who cares more about me than he does about himself." Stay strong, Andi. Don't cry. She's crying. Oh, well. She is very sure that he is not the one.

He is grooming  a horse for some reason. Oh, we're skipping over to Nikki's date with him. She's dressed like a stripper from the 1960s. In a fringed biking top and paisley bell bottoms. Ay-yi-yi, he says, hoping that her halter comes down while they're riding horses. Nikki is the one from him. But I don't want to say that she's vapid--because she is a nurse, you know? She can't help it that she's model gorgeous. But she also doesn't have to wear those clothes or have that giant ink tattoo of a mermaid on her side.  He says that she should ride the horse wearing a thong. Please reference the above picture of the pig again. Why does he keep saying that it's weird that these women seem to be thinking a lot? Because it's such a foreign idea to him. He's also never heard the phrase, "Wheels are turning?" Come on!


More crickets. I find watching him kiss all these girls excruciating, especially with the deafening sound of crickets in the background. Nikki says, "I love you, and I think you probably already know that." He says, "I really like you." I can't really hear what they're saying because of the insects. He makes a hand motion to show that his wheels are not turning and he has absolutely nothing to say in return.  He can't wait to learn more about Nikki. How you say, Naked. Be careful, little Nikki.

He already has tears in his eyes going into the final rose ceremony, though he has no clue about what's about to happen. I am pretty sure that he would plan on eliminating Andi if she wasn't already going to excuse herself. Chris wants to know what JP means when he says I like you. JP says that when he says I like you, he really means, I want to have sex with you right away. I don't think the producers will ever make the mistake of having a bachelor who feigns the inability to speak or understand English. Dan's main complaint about JP is that he never really says anything at all. In any language. He watches the videos of the women recapping their dates and making a plea for him to pick her. "Remember me?" says Nikki. "My favorite adjective is 'awesome.'"  Clare wears a giant turquois necklace, again with her dad's name on it. She confesses that she has fallen in love with him. This makes him tear up. He smiles as he watches Andi's video and I can't wait for the smile to falter. She says that she wants to share her thoughts in person. I love Andi even if I don't love her tiny eyelet shorts. Dan says, "She's done with him! He's not the catch that she thought he was!"

Cue dramatic scenes of Saint Lucia, plus a commercial advertising the resort. Andi says that she doesn't think he's there for anything more than having fun. Thank God she's not going back on her thoughts. She says that it's amazing how little he knows about her. He wears a banana colored shirt. He says that he really likes Andi, and he doesn't know what she wants to talk about because he's clueless and pretending to be a nice guy. He touches her face, and I hope it's for the last time. She keeps saying that she has never felt that way about anyone before.

She says that she realizes that she wasn't in love with him and wasn't going to be. He says, "That's okay." He says it's good that she tells him the truth. She gets mad that he keeps saying it's okay. He says he respects her as a woman and appreciates her being honest. He says he's not going to die from it; She says that she wants to die if he says it's okay one more time. He keeps referring her in the third person, as in, "I like Andi." She says that he hurt her feelings by saying that she barely made it in place of Renee. Then she accuses him of using the word default to refer to her and he says he does not know what this word means. Dan and I then get into a bit of fight because Dan says, "I think maybe she's the one with the problem."  Now we're fighting about whether or not we got into a fight. See what this show does to people?

Their argument continues about whether he uses the word default or not. She says that he doesn't know anything about her, who she is or what she likes, what her religious beliefs are. He shoots back, "What is my religion?" and she comes right with, "Catholic."  Which shuts him up. He touches her eyebrow one last time and then walks her out. He says he is a little disappointed. He puts it back on her for not telling him how he should acted. He doesn't like how she argues with him. That's not what women should do. He is the worst. When women talk to him and express their feelings, it kills it for him. Yay for her for leaving. Can they ever express their feelings without crying? Once?

Now we're going to have to see more tears as the other two women realize that Andi left for some inexplicable reason. I mean, they can't sense his lack of interest in them as people either? On some level. Close up of two frogs mating and a horse eating grass. JP was shocked that Andi wanted to go home; fine, go home, he says, IT'S OKAY. Andi says, I think JP is probably going, It's okay, right now. She is right! The two girls are being brought to the patio to find out that Andi left. It's funny that the two women who dislike each other the most are left.  JP must now explain to them why Andi left. Nikki is confused, she says. He tells them that she decided to go home because she didn't have strong feelings for him. He says he cannot force someone to like him or to spend the rest of their lives with him. He hands out to roses with an air of defeat. They will both accept the roses. He is the first bachelor in history to have two women decide to leave.

Next week is the reunion show and 5,000 tears will be shed. The two girls remaining are really there just to be on TV. Last scene---Juan Pablo walking on the beach and pretending to be reflective while drop kicking a sand piper like a soccer ball.



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