The Bachlorette, Li'l Jillian

Okay, people, I know I have fallen down already on the job of reporting on the new season of The Bachelorette, especially since I completely and utterly missed the season premiere. And now, we're already nine minutes into the second episode. I watched the first little bit and thought, Naw, I don't need to write about this, but then I quickly realized how frickin' awesome Bachelorette episodes are because of one simple fact: the dudes have no clue how to vie for the attention of one woman. When it's reversed, the women are totally comfortably trying to capture the heart of a single man, but get a bunch of guys together, and they are at a total loss. All they can really do is high five. Again and again. And again.

The scene just witnessed involved Jillian playing basketball with all of them (completely shirtless) and of course, there was a big surprise!!! She brought out the Harlem Globetrotters. Duuuuuuuuuudddee! The guys (all white--the network has totally decided against pretending that the Bachelor/ette will date outside of his/her race) paled further and realized they were not going to get to show off their athletic prowess. The Globetrotters humiliated them and then picked David as the guy should keep, but I'm not sure why. I think I may hate him.

Next scene: Date with 7 hot guys. Some jackass is saying, "That's my dawg! That's my dawg!" They are doing shots of tequila. Since Jillian weighs about 98 pounds, she will be drunk immediately. She’s having one-on-one time with someone with a scruffy unshaven face (really? Clean up a little) and he's telling her that her "eyes were like SO green in the sun. Like, piercing!" One of the guys pretends to take a shot and then palms it (? what does that mean?). Oh, Juan, it was Juan, "this 6'3" clown). Another idiot suggest that they tie the guy to a tree and beat the shit of out him. The front-runner in class, clearly. I guess no one likes Juan. Now, it's on to Kiptyn (I did not make that name up). I guess it's a cross between Kip and Ty? OMIGOD, TY! Bad memories for Jillian. Kipling has ten pounds of mouse on his slightly thinning hair as well as three distinct lines on his forehead. He hasn't ever had his heart broken he says. She can't believe it! He usually ends things. Jillian finds this worrisome, what's more worrisome, J, are the two zippers on his jacket pocket. What does he keep in there? Condoms? Chewing gum? Condom flavored chewing gum? I'm happy that she's kissing every single one of them. She admits that she just wants to make out with him. He does the hands on the face thing. We know she likes that better than the thumb on the chin kisses she got from he who shall remain nameless. David swears too much. He has said "fuck" no fewer than 25 times.

Rose goes to the guy with the hairline that starts just above his eyebrows, Mike. He gets the prize because he borrowed someone else's Speedos and jumped into the ocean. I wonder why they choose all of these super tall guys? She's tiny. She looks like a mini next to all of them. I still really like how she talks; this super scratchy voice like she's been shouting all day, plus the Canadian accent.

Cocktail party: The dudes are now talking about why they're here. For her, not to make friends. Wes, the hick, is saying how "it's not time to pump the brakes, it's time to hit the gas." Surprisingly, he is a country Western singer. I can't wait to hear his song lyrics. Another hick, Tanner, from Dallas, TX. He's explaining how he loves feet. He's holding her feet. He's being weird. She asks him who has the ugliest feet. Tanner immediately says, Sasha. I don't like any of these guys. Who did Wes' hair, it looks like it's been done by an eggbeater, sticking up straight all over the place. Or like he just woke up after being out at a juke joint until 5 a.m.

She pulls Jesse aside and asks him what his relationship style is like. He says he has had two serious relationships, one that he liked and one that he didn't (?). He did have the opportunity to go to Italy, but instead, he chose to come and meet Jillian. I guess he's okay, though he's clearly telling her the story to make her feel bad.

Why so many dudes with Southern accents? One of them is making his patented drink, the Roswell. It clearly has a roofie in it. He caught a cherry in his lips. He's a bartender. He's 25 and from Texas and had fifteen seconds with her because Wes interrupted her and said, Are you cheating on me? Creepy. (Reid the realtor is cute too, and he's from Philadelphia). Wes tells her that he's beautiful and the other guys think he's just there to promote his music. Next, an altercation where Robby calls Wes out on interrupting the date and Wes says he didn't come there to date a dude and if anything, it's Robby's job to step it up.

Thank God this show is only one hour long. Remember way back this spring when we had to endure two hours of The Bachelor Jason almost every single time? I guess maybe with the guys, there's less going on, less drama, because the men don't burst into tears as often.

She must try to have a conversation with all of them. She looks a little worn out, to be frank. In comes Chris to announce that they get to play Survivor and vote one of the guys out. Stupid. They must be their votes into a recipe box from Ikea. There's probably some trick like last time where the person they vote out gets to stay. Jillian says that she knows about dates but she wasn't aware that they would have to play this lame game. Feet guy says, This is brutal. Another guy gives a look like he's a psycho killer. Oh, yes, I guess he is, and also a break dancing teacher. Reid would have put Wes on the card but he's exempt. She comes over to talk to him. He seems calm and sweet. She asks him when his birthday is and he says April and she says hers is December and he says that Taurus' and Capricorns are the most compatible. Is that true?

Juan steals her away and gives her his jacket even though it's 90 degrees outside. Could someone shut up Dave who again says he wants to beat the shit out of Juan. "He's breaking man code left and right," Dave explains through a steroid fog. Truth be told, Juan does seem a little fake. She likes him. He's saying how much he really wants to be with him.

Brian, the IT consultant, takes off his glasses and his jacket and shit, what is he going to do??????? He has porcupine hair. What is he going to do? Oh, dear God, he's doing a strip tease. WHAT? He takes off all his clothes and then jumps into the pool. Jesse says it was like watching a car crash. Pretty bad, I will admit. He wanted to stand out and he did. How original. The best he can do is jump in the pool. Remember when Jesse did the same thing with whoever was The Bachelorette last time.

Here comes stupid Chris to announce the results. The man receiving the third most votes is Julian. Or did they just vote off Jillian? Second most votes: Dave. Right on. The most votes: Juan. Chris announces that Juan will be going home unless Jillian says otherwise. And so they bring in the rose on a silver doily and she must decide. Stupid. Juan is about ready to cry because he's not ready to leave Jillian yet, he says. She keeps him, because they had a great connection.

Dave looks like he has lockjaw.

Coming up, the final rose ceremony! Jillian looks as though she might throw up.

I keep thinking it's Sunday.

Okay, here we go. In The Bachelor shows, it's whose heart will be broken. For the guys, it's whose balls will be broken this week. Jillian says she has had an incredible week and that they were great and it was incredible and they are all incredible and she's incredibly grateful for that.

First rose goes to: Jesse. Okay, fine. He's okay.
Second rose: David. DUMB. Why is she giving the rose to David.
Third rose: Ed. Who? Ed another guy with eggbeater hair.
Fourth rose: Never saw him before. He is blond. She likes blonds.
Fifth: Mark. Another sort of blond. Foot fetish guy is feeling the pressure.
Sixth: Michael. He is losing his hair. He looks like he just got out of prep school. This takes forever.
Seventh: Tanner, the foot fetish-ist. He would like to lick her toes for this honor.
Eighth: Kiptyn of the fake name.
Ninth: This is a lot of roses. Reid from Philadelphia. Yay! She likes him.
10th: Roger?
11th: How many roses are left? 2. Tanner F. There are two Tanner's?
Last rose goes to: Brad. The guy who jumped in the pool and the guys with the thick necks are going home.

So, leaving tonight are: Thick neck, who says you can't dispute someone's taste. I guess he's nice. He speaks French. Humpback whale, Brian, has to go home too. Goodbye to one of the Southern accent guys who says "nekkid." He's fairly confident that she was hung like a light switch and that might have killed it. Tall guy wit a Mohawk, Simon from England. I don't know why she sent him home. Because he's eight foot tall and has a weird haircut? I liked him. I prefer a Southern accent. Mathue the personal trainer has to go home. Maybe he should've shaved. Or not waxed his eyebrows. Aw, he's almost crying. He is crying, I mean. Bummer.

Jillian says that the night was super tough . She appears to have water in her wine glass. Next week: they will be in a helicopter and have to go down a building and then they're going to the Old West to film a movie. Who will steal the scene? She gets to kiss a bunch of people. Sasha takes her one a car ride and Wes brings out his guitar and sings his stupid song. David goes on a rampage and asks Juan to explain why he's here. He tells Juan to stop being