Why I Don't Watch the Olympics

1. As an only child, I grew up competing against exactly no one, except for my pretend friend, Katcha, who I imagined as a slightly slow girl from Russia. She and I would play Sorry together and "sorry!" but I always won. Hence, I don't really get the whole competition thing. Can't everyone win?

2. No Olympic event could ever top Nadia Comaneci's gold medals and perfect 1o scores, nor her cuteness.

3. It's difficult for me to watch any of the Olympic events, even skeet-shooting, because everyone is so tense. You just know that the athlete is thinking, Don't fuck up, don't fuck up, don't fuck up...And then, guess what? Sometimes, s/he fucks up and then you know they will be reliving that particular moment over and over and over and over again for the rest of her/his life.

4. The announcers try to heighten the tensiosity. "Well, as you know, if Tatiana doesn't at least get a silver here, her entire family will be shipped back in a pet carrier to their native country and dwell forever after just above the poverty line."

5. At any moment, someone could be seriously injured or worse, embarrass herself by losing her knickers in the pool or falling off the balance beam and crying or shooting a javelin into the crowd.

6. The record you broke will eventually get broken by someone else.

7. Pretty much everything they do looks like it hurts or could kill you if you aren't careful.
8. "Women's Hammer Throwing."

9. Conflicts with all of the Law and Order episodes I must watch.

10. The whole "go USA!" of it all. Also, are we now going to have to pretend that Michael Phelps is attractive? Because honestly, this photo really disturbs me. It's like I've happened upon a badly-lit community theater production of Equus.

In other news, I think I've come up with a title for my next Maven piece about dating deal breakers: "You Make Me Want to be a Lamer (Wo)Man." It'll be about how dating lame people often increases your own personal lameness. You drink or shoot up more or become more slovenly, steal cars, pray to false gods, your taste in music and movies diminishes, etc.

Comments

jordynn said…
hahaha, seriously, do people find Phelps attractive? check this out:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/scott/michael-phelps-backlash
Aimee said…
Awesome! Sure wish you'd update your blog one of these years...............

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