For some reason, I have had a recent spat of anxiety dreams--the same kind of dreams I always have when I'm worried about something; though, in this case, I can't think of anything that's particularly stressful in my life, unless it's just that I have no real savings, own nothing, am getting increasingly older and not any cuter, still single with no real prospects in sight, own too many cats, have broken out in a weird rash (shingles? I'm kidding, no rash that I've yet discovered), will soon be blind b/c I have run out of new contacts, haven't yet been to the dentist to fix my broken tooth (have an appt. with the dentist next week), will die someday, have been reading too many Joyce Carol Oates stories, have significant financial debt (IRS, Discover card, student loan, parents), my car hasn't been inspected for over a year, ants are eating the cat food, the stray cat has been absent and will likely turn up after having birthed 15 more kittens, my neighbors are also leaving their baby kitten outside, haven't finished like three stories due at work, have not written fiction in about ten years, and am missing Terry Gross who has been on vacation for a week. Other than those things, all is well. And yet, I keep having these repetitive stress dreams including:
1. You forgot you were taking a class. It's a class in geometry. You've missed all of the tests and the drop deadline and your current grade is a solid "F."
2. You have to move tomorrow. You have packed nothing and the cats keep escaping outside. You haven't cleaned the house either, so will likely not get your deposit back, the deposit you need to move into your new home. Someone is banging on the door, probably the landlord and you are wearing your pajamas.
3. You have to perform in a play but there have been no rehearsals and you don't know any of your lines. And guess what? The guy you worshipped in college, MC, will be in the front row. If you do well, he might fall in love with you. It's your turn to go onstage, but you don't have the correct props or the right costume on and you have to sing "I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No." Why were you even cast in this role? You have a terrible singing voice.
4. You have to drive a long distance but it's raining and (since you haven't had your car inspected in a year), your windshield wipers don't work, so you can barely see. Hurry up! You're late! The trip involves lots of high hills with no safety rails. You're also driving in your glasses, which are perhaps ten years behind in your prescription, compounding the inability to see clearly. Also, you have a U-Haul connected, full of unhealthy cats who keep trying to escape into the brush.
5. You run into your ex-boyfriend who has just returned from the Appalachian Trail. He's not sure if he's going to marry the girl he started dating four seconds after you moved out. He'd like to stay with you for awhile, but is it also okay if he brings his ten stray cats? First though, you have to help him catch them and you're wearing a baby doll dress and no underwear and you know that the staff from your work is nearby seeking fundraising opportunities.
6. Whoops, all of your teeth have fallen out of your head and you have to give a speech tomorrow on the importance of good hygiene.
7. You and Jodie are in a fight because you haven't cut the yard as you promised. She shakes her head at you, very disappointed. Her dad shows up and tries to get the two of you to make up but the dog is hyperactive and distracting and Jodie has to be back in Idaho in fifteen minutes.
It did occur to me today that for someone who is hard on herself about not writing enough, I am still producing at least a column a month for Maven and now another piece for Philadelphia Stories; I do write in my journal every day, and I have been trying really hard to do a blog post every day. And yet...and yet, I still feel lazy.