The Probably Anticlimactic Conclusion of Age of Stupidity

"It's not going to be easy, because I'm going to hurt someone..." His first words. The sun shines brightly behind his huge ears and his hair is somehow growing straight off the top of his head like an Italian/Australian Chia.

Amanda is the young one. She is pretty but her mouth is gigantic. Huge. Cartoonishly large. I supposed it doesn't matter too much because he has a big mouth too.

And then there's Jen, age 63 who has that tight look to her face like it might crack off at any moment and reveal a well maintained lizard. Jen has a son who is twenty-five and the Bachelor is 24 and a half. Oh, first betrayal...Jen brought a gift. Amanda wants to scratch her eyes out. She stares out the window at the beautiful fake scenery. We are about to meet the parents. We probably won't be able to understand a word they say.

They are in Australia to meet the bachelor's family (I still can't remember his name. Andrew? Bob? Tangerine?). The big shock will be Jen's senior citizen status and the fact that Amanda is tongue-tied. (As an aside, since I can't watch just one show at a time, I'm also concurrently watching Eddie Murphy's stand-up, Raw from 1987. Eddie Murphy is really, really, really funny and cute and I want to make out with him. I am so happy that he's not dead from a drug overdose. Okay, so he has made some bad movies like Dr. Doolittle and Big and Fat, but he is really, really good. I suppose you could fault him for being somewhat misogynistic, but whatever, he's also pretty hard on the men). Okay, Bryan lives in an orange house that looks like it's made out of Legos. Yes, as I suspected, they are having to give subtitles for when the mother or anyone else talks Austrailianinism. I am waiting for someone to break into an Abba song.

Jen and Mark are going on a one-on-one date in a gondola and for some reason, she's wearing a gigantic LL Bean coat. Oh, dear, he brought her a single red rose wrapped in plastic. Meanwhile, Amanda stands at the waterfront wearing a better fitting LL Bean raincoat. Oh, wait, I think they may have the same coat. "Whatever happens, I just appreciate you making this very special. Everything we've done has been amazing." The just had a large audible kiss--bwish, bwish--that's what it sounded like. How great, she just whispered in his ear how many times in a row she's had an orgasm. I'm not making this up. WHY did she choose to tell him this??? First of all, isn't that intimidating (assuming she didn't say "once")? Secondly, what exactly is she trying to communicate to him? That she's sensuous? I guarantee that she is a total faker. They're eating sea food in front of an aquarium. They get to pick the shark they want to eat and then watch as it's slaughtered. That is so romantic.

Time for Amanda's date. They are at an animal park where they get to pick the baby kangaroo and/or koala they want to eat later. Meanwhile, Jen is standing by the lake wearing high heeled boots and a skinny brown belt. Amanda and Mark are sitting on a fake log kissing loudly again, bwish, bwish. She's too nervous to tell him how many orgasms she has had (none ever). They are going to eat at a Japanese restaurant that's on fire. Seems risky. She sort of looks like Hilary Swank with a bigger mouth. "The more I open my heart, the farther I fall." They never ever never say anything interesting. He says, "You can't help who you click with. You click with who you click with. Like that! Click!" Omigod, he just jumped up and clicked his heels together. Ew, I just saw him shove his tongue in her throat. This is so fake. They are in a close up that's like they're in a soap opera. This has to be staged.

She reads her cue card slowly, in monotone. "I feel attracted to you and connected to you and that I click with you and that I'm clicking right now and that we have a clickosity that is like...it's almost like I am into you and it's scary but you know, it's like you kiss my gigantic mouth and I feel incredible and amazing and like maybe we are special or not. I forget."

It's the finale. I am guessing that he will choose Amanda. I would love it if he would pick Jen, but he won't. He knows that the second he starts dating her, she will automatically age if a matter of seconds. While the older lady spews stupid advice, Amanda sits on the park bench with a fake smile on her face. He's walking around in a towel and the other two girls are in bathrobes. This is the bathroom session of the show. Why are we watching this? Especially when I am sure that they have make-up artists who do this for them. Old lady. "I already feel like a winner, but I want the grand prize." She will lose. They don't let women who say things like that win.

Here comes Emma Carol, dragging her white mouse on a rope down the stairs.

"Jen, you blew me away. And then....Remember when you also blew me? I have very strong feelings for you...But I'm sorry, I just don't think that it will work out..." He's kissing good bye the old broad. No kidding. Yes, of course. And why would the TV station have plugged it as a big surprise. It's not a surprise. It's exactly what I thought would happen from the very beginning.

The white flags are blowing in the wind.

"Amanda, you're making me shake too. I just love your smile and I love your eyes. I wanted you to come to Australia and meet my family so that you could get to know them and when you spend time with people, you get to know them. And uh..."

Okay, so now we get to see how Amanda reacts. They will not stay together, but whatever. "From the start, this has just been an amazing journey. I would love for you to continue that journey with me..." How boring! Bwish. They are awkwardly sitting wrapped in an Indian blanket and sailing magically with no one at the helm. I wish, wish, wish that one of them would fall off the boat instead of making us watch this fake Titanic helm scene.

The word journey has been said no fewer than 34 times in this episode alone. Bummer. The journey is over.

Comments

jordynn said…
The annoying thing about this is that the plot basically follows "Beauty and the Geek," only none of the women are nerdy, ugly, have bad teeth, etc. They still have to be beautiful even if it requires plastic surgery. But the outcome is the same, which is that the guy goes for the younger woman and the "Beauty" in the end just finds that the "chemistry wasn't there" with the geek. But does anyone really expect that people will somehow *not* be shallow? Like anyone actually dates people for "who they are inside", especially the kind of people who go on reality TV shows?

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