I do have a boyfriend!

His name is Ernesto. He is the sweetest boy ever. When I arrive home, he races down the stairs, nearly falling at my feet and licks my eyelid. He follows me wherever I go, wanting my attention, to be near me, to climb on top of my head while I'm sitting at the computer. He chases off other possible suitors (Henri, not much of a contender) taking a swipe at him if he dares to slink near me. He honestly won't leave me alone. He misses his EmmaCarol.

Fine, so I decided to order Internet and basic cable. Well, it's really special basic cable because, as the woman at Comcast explained, basic basic would just be the regular channels I get now, only tuned in more clearly. With special basic basic cable, I can watch MTV and Comedy Central and the Discovery and History Channel and Telemundo. AND if I wanted to pay just $20 more, I could receive 100 extra stations such as the Baking Network, Court TV, Judge Judy 24/7, The Hair Cut Channel, numerous cartoons, a station that plays only The Three Stooges dubbed in Russian, and the Fat White Republican Men Arguing Channel. Then she said, oh, wait, you already get CNBC with the special basic. I resisted the additional channels because I only really watch a maximum of two hours of TV a day, which is probably too much. Last night, there was nothing on at all except for Desperate Housewives which I hate because it thinks it's like a Twin Peaks for suburbia except without the wit, darkness, intelligence, or intrigue. And I hate voice-over narration which they overuse. There's that other show on with Ally McBeal, but the episode they were replaying last night was the same exact one I saw a few months ago. So I was forced to read a book. I finished the true crime murder and didn't have nightmares. Went to the library today and checked out 30 other books but oh wait I don't have to read tonight because Super Nanny is on. Except it's probably being replaced with something else, some other stupid reality show because last week was the season finale.

Speaking of reality shows, does Tori Spelling and her raggedy looking husband really need her own reality show? Apparently--she's debuting a show about how she and her husband run a bed and breakfast. I suppose it could be interesting to watch Americans eat breakfast while Tori stands awkwardly by, holding a fake spatula that she didn't use to make the French toast the guests are eating and pretending to enjoy. Then we could have a tour of the bedrooms. Then she and her husband could get into a sort of staged, lovey dovey fight where you sense that it's really not all that innocent and playful, underneath is all of this real rage and hatred. He is suddenly realizing he's married to a woman with the biggest face/head in the world and she's not even getting any of her rich daddy's inheritance. She realizes that he's a dirtbag who is making her look bad by pointing out her varicose veins. It lasts a season, they get divorced, and she appears on the Baking Channel, which I won't get to see because I'm too cheap to get the super silver cable package.