I just discovered that with Comcast Digital Cable, I can order about 100 free movies (including 2 Woody Allen flicks and Leprechaun II, III, XI) and I can also record shows to watch later if I am unavailable--which means that I could record Supernanny at pretty much any moment and also catch up on all these old movies I've wanted to watch but never wanted to rent, like In the Heat of the Night. Why does Comcast want to make me a social pariah? Why do they want to force me to stay home and watch Say Anything and relive my high school years and also feel the urge to grab a boom box and stand outside of Shawn's house playing "In Your Eyes" at 2 a.m.? Well, to their credit, they also offer the Exercise Channel, so if I am so inclined, I can subscribe to Pilates III and sit watching others work out while I eat Doritos and critique the participants clothing attire. I can't deal with this much choice, it makes me never want to watch TV again. But listen, they actually have a premium channel that only plays Law and Order Special Victims Unit 24/7. This is my favorite show on Earth. I am envisioning my future. I am imagining that I will never ever never leave the house again, not while I can press multiple buttons on my new remote control and choose anything I want, including Pirates of the Caribean, which I hate, but may watch anyway, just because it's free.