Monday, March 3, 2014

The Bachelor Women Tell the Boring Details Fit for Prime Time TV

Like, they're not going to tell the interesting stuff--they're not going to say that he's a terrible kisser or has BO or a flatulence problem  or (as I suspect) all three. They're going to say how they don't understand him and how they don't like each other.  They're will be five tears shed, none of them authentic.  Hold on--why is Juan Pablo talking to Kermit the Frog and what is Tina Fey doing in a Muppet movie?

That one girl brought her ugly dog on the show. I mean, I still like it because it's a dog; but it's not that cute.

This is just the recap show where they show all of these dumb flashbacks. They're all fighting to talk and get air time. They are all saying that he wasn't a good listener and didn't ask them any questions beyond where they see themselves in five to three years. It's funny how they change their stories now; it's like Andi and Sharleen choosing to leave instead of not getting picked has allowed them to be more honest (?) about the experience or at least allowed them to critique him in a different way.

They are also upset that he used Camilla as an excuse for who he did and did not want to kiss. Chris Harrison wants to know if maybe JP was just being honest in the moment. That red head fairy tale princess girl thinks he was being wishy washy and a flip flopper. They don't blame Clare for sneaking out in the middle of the night. They are banding together like never before in Bachelor history.

The word for tonight is "journey."

Sharleen the opera singer has taken a hiatus from singing at the Met to be on the tell-all. I wonder if she's going to be the next Bachelorette? It's either her or Andi. Sharleen is undeniably beautiful and interesting looking. They replay the part where she whispered to him that she had to leave and I recall now how much I hated that part and might actually have whisper phobia. She confesses that there wasn't that cerebral connection and she wishes she were dumber. She says that it means not that she thinks he's dumb (though she does), but that she can't keep her mind from working overtime. The other women say that JP wasn't subtle about who he liked. Sharleen explains that she doesn't regret her decision to leave the show.

Renee is next in the hot seat. She refuses to acknowledge that she found Juan Pablo to be boring and a terrible conversationalist. Here is a montage of scenes to remind us that all they talked about were their dumb kids. Why did he keep her around for so long if he wasn't attracted to her? She has the longest eyelashes of any human person I've ever seen. Renee confesses that she's in a situation right now. I assume that means she's in a relationship, or else knocked up. She won't tell us any more, but I guess that means she's out of the running for being the next Bachelorette. It's definitely going to be Andi, only because I don't think Sharleen could stomach having to be around 30 guys at one time.

Next up is Andi. She looks a little bit like a Grecian goddess though showing no cleavage which is unusual in this show. I wish she would tell his how big it was. Come on, just tell us. We already have some ideas...She's not saying anything different from what she told us before; nothing interesting. She says he's not trying to be jerk; but that he has no filter or ability to say anything nice. She just finished saying that he was not trying to be a jerk, but that he was being mean.

Juan Pablo comes out and says he thinks he will be friends with everyone once the show is over. Chris asks if he would change anything; he says, No, I have been honest since day one with all of you. I hate when they show the reactions of the women in the audience, nodding or smiling or rolling their eyes.

Lauren is speaking and Dan says, "He doesn't even remember who she is."  JP is rationalizing why he did or did not kiss someone; and he's changing his story each time.

Excuse me, but why is Andi defending him? She later says that it didn’t seem like he was looking for a wife, but rather a girlfriend and possibly some fame. He says, It’s your opinion. I feel like I did ask those questions to some people, but I’m not going to ask dumb question (like your dumb question about where you see yourself in five years). The red head brings up the point that JP made a homophobic remark. He says that he loves gay people and he has tons of gay friends. Then this other woman jumped in and said that as a person who came to the country at age fifteen from another country that that he needs to stop hiding behind the English as a second language excuse. JP refuses to talk about his pervert comment and would rather spend an hour explaining it to the red head than trying to articulate an actual answer.


Blooper reel. Too bad they couldn’t find a way to make the show more consistently like the blooper reel where the people seem like humans and not robot models.

Dan goes, “They’re all thinking, I just fell in love with him again...” And, “Next week, Juan Pablo ends up with nada!” What are they going to do for the next 35 minutes? An extended preview of next week? Oh, it's over. I confess I haven't been paying that much attention, as I've been multi-tasking.

My prediction for next week is that he ends up with neither of them.

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