One Shitty Thing a Day

In honor of Lent, I've decided to make a commitment to allow myself to do or consume or think or practice one shitty thing per day for the rest of the Lentil season, or for the rest of my life. For example, instead of eating cottage cheese and fruit for lunch (as Dan did), I decided to have a fat French fry dipped in ketchup. Delicious! I did not feel bad about it; instead, I enjoyed how horrible it was and thought not for a second how it might possibly be destroying the four days I put in at the gym this week, dying on the elliptical machine. From here on out, I'll try my best to do one bad thing each and every day, whether that be to eavesdrop on a conversation at another table and make fun of it (as I did yesterday at Starbucks) or try to get Dan to turn around and look at this lady who was seated at nearby who had the biggest chest I'd ever seen spilling out of her tank top (I also did this yesterday---it occurs to me that maybe I should aspire to do this more often--like maybe five times per day instead of just once. Once might actually be way too easy).

I vow to find the time during the day to cut someone off in traffic and then slow down, to sneak 25 jelly beans from my co-workers stash when she's in the bathroom, to lie to Dan when he asks me if I put his socks away mismatched, to mock people who I view as not as smart as me, to roll my eyes when someone is telling me a long and boring story about childhood, to delete emails from people asking me for help, to not put the lid back on the orange juice so that it spoils, to purposefully not like pictures on my friends' babies on Facebook, to turn the pages over on library books when I've finished reading for the day, to do the crossword puzzle in pen in the doctor's office and put in the wrong answers, to change the channel when Dan is watching yet another game of soccer, and to drop the f-bomb in front of other people's children.