Monday, March 10, 2014

He Will Propose to Neither

This is my psychic prediction for the show. The best would be if he picked one of the women and she said, No thanks, but that never happens. Dan's mom is visiting tonight and she's never seen the show, so when Dan said, "I think he hits one of the women in this episode," she said, "Oh, really?" Like it was no big deal.

We meet Juan's family and learn that he's originally from Tulsa, Oklahoma. What the hell? The accent has been fake this whole time. Here comes the daughter, who is forced to kiss Clare on the cheek. Clare finds it totally hot that he's not a terrible father. Clare is bragging that she's a baby machine who can't wait to keep reproducing, starting right after the calamari. Juan's mom tucks a pillow under her arm and seems skeptical that Clare could feel love from her son. "Ask me anything that you want to know." And then Clare learns that JP was hyperactive as a kid and very rude; Clare says that it's just honesty. Mom is basically saying that her son is a jerk and she will always make her cry.

JP's dad is hitting on Clare. They are holding hands and he says that he loves her. He then gives her a rose. THE DAD. JP drags her way. Here they are below.


 Nikki has met some of the family on one of her earlier dates, except for the non-hot cousins. Dan's mom says she likes Rudolpho and thinks he should be the next Bachelor.  Dan says to his mom, "Nikki's a high school sophomore."  Dan's mom goes, "What? Really?" Nikki is wearing a halter maxi dress that exposes her bad dove tattoo. She is dressed like she's going to a beach party. Dad says that JP is not an easy guy, he focuses on what he wants and that's it. So, mom and dad both have separately dissed their son. Mom tells Nikki that life with JP and their daughter will be the two of them watching TV, if she's in to that. 

It's really hard to write about this show because nothing is happening and we keep getting interrupted by what the stupid studio audience thinks. I forgot that they have another one on one date with both of them. Clare is first. She runs to him like a dog and Dan says, "It looks like she's about to catch a Frisbee in her mouth."  Then the shocking moment comes where JP leans over and says something revolting to her, that he doesn't know her very well and that he wants to do her doggie style or something like that. 


He's using the honest excuse again. I can't even follow what's happening right now. He is saying that there might be things he doesn't like about her. He says, Go ahead and tell me what you think. And then he doesn't listen. Clare is being very calm even though she realizes that he's a jerk. I think he probably said something to her like that she was great in bed and he's very attracted to her and wants her to have her as a concubine. I almost respected her for like one second, but then she got charmed by him or at least is pretending to be charmed. He play his iPod for her and that's all it takes. Fake. It's all fake. Why can't she just decide she's the third woman who doesn't want to stay? Say no, say no, say no.

I'm sorry that I don't have more to write--I'm a little distracted by the mom visiting and the cat trying to crawl all over her and my own general boredom about the fact that there is nothing happening. He says nothing of substance. Nada, I mean.


 Nikki shows up again, this time in a black bikini top, even though they are going horseback riding. All they do with each other is kiss and talk about nothing. Nikki even tries to get him to open up and he says, "When I have something to open up about, I will open up."  Nikki asks what he will do when he doesn't have a private island of his own, he says, "We will have a bed and watch TV. I like to watch sports. I like to watch baseball too." This is an actual quote.

He likes to kiss shoulders and ask them if they are thinking of anything. They sit in silence as Nikki struggles to think of something to say. He says, "At the end of everything, how's it going to be? It's going to be okay." Dan says that these two might be shallow enough for one another.  I agree. He is now reading the card that Nikki gave him, and struggling to get through it. She signs it, I love you, he says, "Thank you" and kisses her on the forehead.  Dan says that he's tired of hearing him whisper. I think he just wishes he could be back at his hotel room watching CNN and porn if NBC will pay for it. He doesn't even look back or give a wave or a high five. Nikki cries. The audience is silent, as they absorb the tragedy of it all--these two gorgeous women rejected by a dick who would make them unhappy forever.  I don't think the producers are going to be able to turn this around--like, they've dug themselves into a certain narrative and I don't think they can redeem him. I mean, they can try, but they've allowed this particular show to be more "real" or negative than any of the others so far, and it must be intentional.

Despite the fact that both women had a terrible time with him, each pretends that they want to marry him. It's been only ten weeks--I wish I could do math and tell you how long that is. Clare keeps saying that she is hoping that her fairy tale will come true. He doesn't want either of these women. And he never shaves or grows a full beard. Like his heart, his facial hair can't commit.  She says she's nervous and he says that he's nervous too; she gives her rehearsed lines about how getting out of the limo was one of the most amazing moments of her life. Something seems weird about her face. I think she's about to propose to him. 


He says something about how when she got out of the limo, he liked her belly and something else. He is saying that some people is going to go home and he has to say good-bye to her. He goes in for a kiss and she pushes him away. The crowd cheers.  She says, "I thought I knew what kind of man you were. Charlene didn't have the feelings and that other girl didn't have any feelings..." Then she says something to the effect of, You should never have pretended to feel differently about me and imagined a future with me if you didn't see it. You are not the man I thought you were." He says, "Do you want to know what moment it was that I knew I didn't want to be with you?" And she said, "No, because I have no respect for you. I would never want a man like you to be the father of my children."

He says, "Whoo. I'm glad I didn't pick her."

Now it's Nikki's turn. I hope he doesn't pick her either, but he might. She is wearing a dress with a slit so high on the side you can see her underwear. If she were wearing any underwear or a bra. JP holds a ring in his hands and has a handkerchief in his jacket. Nikki thanks him for everything and says that he's such an amazing person and she's never felt this way before.  This is what the scene reminds me of--attributing characteristics and feelings to an inanimate object:


JP says he loves many things about her and how she would be such a great step mom; JP says that he's not 100 percent sure that he wants to propose to her, he likes her a lot. She is devastated, but pretends not to be. He actually just winked at her after sort of breaking up with her.

I can't blog through the final rose ceremony, because I may not make it through. The end, ya'll, until they announce the next bachelorette.

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