The final show...

I can't believe it's only an hour long...I thought we would at least get a full two hours of awkward kissing. First date, Chelsea shows up to meet the parents, speaking in a monotone. Here's dad, Hello, mate! That's the brother, Simon, the dad wears a full white turtleneck. They're having crumpets. The brother is less attractive, much. She sounds like a cheerleader. She doesn't know what wellies are-oh, wait, yes, she does. I don't think I've ever seen Chelsea without a ponytail. Oh, dear, I hope she doesn't get too drunk. Chelsea is telling the mom that she's falling in love with him. I don't know that the mom wants to hear this. She's telling the mom that she really wants to give her son a blow job. London style. (Mr. D, our guest watcher, is wondering how scripted everything is. He does not believe that ABC doesn't set all this up. He also won't shut up and I have to keep going, Uh-huh, whenever he makes an observation). The mom keeps talking about how lovely everything is. Why is mom wearing that gigantic necklace? I don't think Matt likes her in the same way that he likes the sex kitten. He looks really tired, circles under his eyes. I can't really understand their accents. This was too brief. She's not going to get picked. He just said, I adore you, honey. I adore you, honey, you're lovely. You're really lovely and I want to kiss you loudly on the mouth. He is faking it.

Here comes Shayne. The dumb blond. She's wearing shiny tights and a satin skirt. I hate her so so much. They're on a double decker bus and she's getting dizzy just being in person. How much lip gloss does one girl need? Oh, mom and dad are hugging her. Dad is wearing a jacket that's giving me a huge headache. The brother doesn't really like her, but he does want to fuck her. The dad asked her how old she is. She cleverly says, I'm twelve. HAhahahaha. The brother asks, What about the bachelor, have you seen that as a challenge? She volleys back, I met Matt and I liked him too and I hoped to be on TV longer. The brother is confessing that he doesn't really understand why his brother is love with, but over lunch, she has proven that she is imminently doable. She's sweating. God, she looks just like a Malibu Barbie. Nice roots. Now Shayne is talking to the mom who wears another giganto necklace. Shayne is holding it together and pretending to be a real person with real emotions instead of a marionette. She's definitely going to win. Most certainly. Mom says that she doesn't know which way Matt will go. We do. He's totally in love with her. (Mr. D lovez Shayne. I will never talk to him again after this evening). Mom's gut instinct is that Shayne is more genuine than Chelsea. Fucking idiots.

For some reason, Matt and Chelsea are in a helicopter together. Or "copter-port" as the British call it. Both of these women are horrible. Is that a bottle of Smirnov in his basket or is he just happy to see her? Now they're sitting lotus style on the beach. This show is not PG 13. More product placement. Loud kissing. Fake flowers. Did she use air quotes? She's giving him a present, sex wax, a map, and a jock strap. She says, I'm like, kind of this person, I'm like a brochure, and like, maybe a placemat or like a flyer. My whole thing is like I'm drunk and I'm also falling in love with you. He says, I'm falling in love with you too. Liar. I do not believe him. She says, I'm going to miss you like crazy (isn't that a song?). Don't have any fun tomorrow. He says that she's absolutely incredible, for a man. What a charade. I am so so mad already that he's not going to pick her. But they both suck, so whatever.

Here comes Shayne, wrapping her legs around him like a monkey. He just wants to have sex with her and her huge sunglasses, his little camera monkey. (Mr. D says, The final roast? Why are they have a roast? Rose, dude, the final ROSE). He has more fun with Shayne. She loves parasailing and changing outfits. Why didn't he do this with Chelsea? Does Matt realize how much we, the American public, hate Shayne? Shayne is talking about how she loves floating and being an angel and a floating angel in the sky of American television. He's holding her and she's telling him how it's ultimately the best present he'll ever get in their entire relationship. I'm hoping it's a picture of her as a child. No, it's her as an adult on the beach. Who gives someone a present that is a photo of herself? (With the exception of someone who gives a person a photo of herself in high school with her grandparents. That's totally okay and NOT stupid).

Now Matt is picking out diamond rings that symbolize his ambivalence. Shayne, in another pair of sunglasses, surveys the scene. Chelsea is dressing like a Greek goddess and Shayne wears another one of her many baby doll dresses, this time in yellow. Chelsea's hair has been done up so hard that she could totally have a good look even in the midst of a tsunami. She's awkward. I can't believe we have to watch this stupid moment. This moment where he tells her that he doesn't want to be with her. I will totally pee on my couch if he picks her. He won't though. She's totally overdone, way too much make up. He's not picking her. I KNEW IT. Fucker. If I were her, I would be like, you know what, you're a dick. I hate you. I can't believe I spent this much time putting on my false eyelashes. He can't be with her because her hair is all over the place. He's telling her that he thinks she's amazing and he hopes that she finds the woman of her dreams. She's saying how she can't believe he would fall for Shayne's b.s. You know what, I don't care. I don't like her either. She's saying that he's a fool. He is. As are all of us who are watching this fucking stupid fucking show. If I could growl, I would.

Here comes Shayne. She is the warmest, most genuine person in black eyeliner that he's ever known and he can't wait to tell her. Cue the music. Cue the foot stepping out of the limo. I hope she tells him no, she can't marry him. I have never had my heart in a man's hands like this, she says, reading from the script. What an amazing way to fall in love, she articulates clearly to the camera. She keeps saying how she has given him everything and how she's amazing, and how she's amazingly given him everything in her heart. Now he's saying some drivel about how he's liked her from the first second he saw her boobs and her audition tape. He keeps talking about her brown eyes/contacts. Now he's getting down on one knee, and she's pretending to be surprised, like a girl in a porn movie who is shocked to see that she gets to be triple teamed by two guys and a poodle. She accepts. She will marry him or do the porn movie whatever he prefers. She says that she will marry him under one condition, That he never star in a film with Cameron Diaz for the rest of their lives. Now they are smooching and we get a montage of her hats and clothes and sunglasses and scripted moments. Oh, awesome, whatever, this is supposed to be a dream come true, right? I hate the dream.