Skip It, Mom

Hi, and welcome back to another season of bad reality TV, except this time, it's The Bachelorette...It's poor Dee-yawna, who was rejected by stupid, always-has-a-five-o'clock- shadow, jerk-off Brad Wormrat. She's telling us how her heart was broken and so was the heart of 'Merica. She is so excited that she gets to fuck someone over the same way that she was fucked over! She truly feels like the luckiest person in the world and she can't stop spinning and looking at herself in the mirror. She has been through so much in her short 26 years, like...I don't know what--having to fire her cliché coach? This time around, she's going to be the one who makes the decisions for herself for the fairy tale ending that we have all dreamed about since we first learned that we might be able to find love on a reality show. Oh, dear, I already hate every single one of these guys with their shirts off and one of them is actually shaving his chest!! They are all gross macho jerks. This guy has a mullet! Guys have absolutely no clue what women want. They don't care if you can chop a piece of wood with your foot. They DO care that you can give a good haircut, but not if you are de-vorced. Why do all of these guys have such huge ears and so much hair gel. Oh, Jeremy has a dog and rides a motorcycle. Oh, no, someone is singing and he is probably, yes, he loves Jesus and he's a 28-year-old virgin football player. Knew it. Excuse me, but they never have divorced women on the show for The Bachelor. Never. This guy is French-kissing his son. The token black guy is a math teacher and will last exactly two episodes. One cool thing is that they at least sort of know who she is because she was on TV before. Dee-yawna has a great rack. She wears a gold sparkly dress. Mr. D astutely observes that Dee-yawna is Greek. This is not how I remember Dee-yawna. She seems very scripted and fake. She totally believes that this could happen. She keeps saying how everything happens for a reason. Just as an aside, what's the reason for children with cancer? Not to be a downer. I wonder how many times this season we'll hear a guy say, DUDE! I wonder who will be the first person to say "dude" to Dee-yawna...She's looking for a guy who knows what he wants and who stands out in a crowd and who will give her a baby or ten. I wonder how many times she will say that it's a "fairy tale?" So far: 10. Here comes the parade of freaks! First out of the limo: big tall guy, Brian, TX football coach. It wasn't until this moment that I knew why I was doing the show. I can't wait to get to know you better." Rapul sales manager from Edmonton, he spins her. He has bad grammar and he's shorter than she is. Graham, dishelmed basketball player. He could've shaved before he came in. Sean, with the mullet, is hurrying along to get to the booze. Richard, he looks like he's had plenty of plastic surgery. Jason, account executive, speaks Greek to her because he's practiced. Spero, an actor who’s wearing the worst glasses in the world. Jesse, pro snowboarder, what is he wearing, sneakers and the worst jacket I've ever seen with doodles on it. She says, Gee, thanks for dressing up. Jon, old guy, resort manager. These guys are just running inside and sweating. Chris from Texas could be better if he wants speaking with his nostrils. Brian, a little too polished, Oh, he's kind of cute, he just stuck his tongue out and he said, I do, show's over. He spins her too. Token black guy, Jeffrey from Orlando. He is like, please keep me for at least two episodes! Donato, with his shirt unbuttoned to his navel. He spins her and she spins him and it's terribly awkward. Ryan, the virgin almost bowls her over with his hug. You won't catch me without a smile and secondly, he loves Jesus and he loves smiling and he especially loves a smiley Jesus. Twilley is sort of cute and sweet and tells her that she's sparkly. Ron, barbershop owner, forgot his coat in the car for no reason I can imagine. Cheers! Patrick, adorable, scruffy from Chicago. He also could have shaved. Luke, oyster farmer, also kind of short. He says it's nice to meet you and she says, Tell me something funny and he says, "You look great. Just kidding." Eric will have her whacked if she doesn't pick him and he can't stop saying absolutely! Robert, broad shoulders, chef, should maybe stop sampling his food so much. He spins her around and grabs her ass. He has flare. Chandler, he's not even looking at her, they're both digging on each other's accents. Greg, introduces himself as a personal trainer from New York and calls her sweetheart. Fred, possibly a dork, possibly nice, has a total Chicago accent and won't shut up. Patrick, he's huge too, and appears to be wider than he is tall. Jeremy, a little too smooth, a little too slimy, but I may be prejudiced because he's a lawyer. I think he just spoke Italian or Pig Latin to her, saying, "I love your breasts and I would love to squeeze them like two melons, but don't sue me because I will win." Who's dream of marrying Dee-yawna will end tonight?? She gets three first impression roses. Why? The guy never does in The Bachelor. Okay, now they have to all pretend to like her. I would hate this. I would never ever do this. They're acting like it's a press conference, asking her questions. She gives the first first impression rose to the slimy lawyer guy, Jeremy. One of the guys just pulled her away--the guy who has a kid, the pedophile. She sort of seems like she's being honest and she talks about how her mom died when she was twelve. The virgin is going under the blanket. Dude. Dude. Dude. He's of indiscriminate ethnicity. Dude, dude, dude, dude has been said no fewer than fifty times. Spero went out to give her his coat. Dude, dude. Crash and burn! (first Top Gun quote). This guy from Kansas City just admitted that he's been divorced and he thinks that this is a plus. She clearly does not. The Chicago guy MUST be faking this accent. She's asking the guys if they've ever cheated and one guy said that he has and he's admitting that he's cheated. Whoops! Robert, the chef, is going to cook something out of mint. Uh, where did this food come from? I actually think it's kind of hot that he can cook and also obnoxious. Someone is giving her a fake pearl necklace, oh, sorry, a fake pearl necklace. She will not pick him because he is poor. But he does surf and cow tips (that is what Mr. D. has suggested). He has about as much energy as an oyster, truly. The chef from San Francisco is giving her a cup of tuna. Oh, darn, she's allergic to tuna and plus it's going to mess up her lipstick. The other dudes who are so wanting to kick someone's ass, anyone's, even Dee-yawna. Jenny is here and she is now engaged to someone she must've met the day after the show. She's going to ask some questions and take notes with her fake nails. The scruffy Chicago guy dances skinnily (new word) to show that he'd do anything to get her attention. One guy brought her a fake diamond that she can turn it into a real diamond someday. Jenny is asking questions too fast, one of the guys has asked her if she would sit on his lap. Eric is fully Greek and has the pointiest nose I've ever seen. He thinks he's a shoe in. They are all showing their abs. I can't keep up. The bad jacket guy explains that he wore the jacket b/c he is a triangle and not a square. That doesn't make any sense. He's now jumping in between her and the big, wide guy. He's so psyched to get one on one time with her. He now has a confession for her..."I am the type of guy who doesn't want to go on the Internet and learn about you, I want to sit next to you, dawg, and give you a knuckle pounce." The mullet guy is going to kick the other guy in the head and knock an orange off his head. Why not just take his pants off and show his penis? She hates him. I hate him. He says, "I may be a martial artist but I also have a sensitive side. DUDE!" She gives the second impression rose to Jessie with the bad jacket. Greg, the personal trainer, is a little too intense. The guys are getting a little too drunk. One guy is doing a turkey call to get her attention. Yes, all women love to be called over like you would an animal. The other guy is showing off his abs and making her feel them. They are all acting like dicks and the one guy is upset because she didn't shake his hand. The Canadian guy is explaining about how he's a small town guy and now he's jumping into the pool and is dying of exposure. Now he's taking off his pants to show her his underwear with her name on the back of it. I think that's kind of sweet and he does have a good body, though he's still way too short. Every guy has given her his jacket. Maybe she could've just brought her own jacket (momentarily distracted by Ernesto and Emma Carol grooming one another). The last first impression rose goes to not-Paul...It's going instead to...Richard, one of the shy guys who teaches--the one with the plastic surgery who admits to the camera that he was a geek in high school (uh, I have news for you...).

Time for the final rose ceremony...Get on with it. Dee-yawna is talking to Chris about how the guys were trying to impress her. I wish that 75% of the show wasn't instant replays of what we just saw (or, as Mr. D. says, scenes of what we are going to see). That's why the show only really needs to be fifteen minutes long. She is saying that she doesn't need for them to be doing so much to impress her. And she wishes they weren't so full of testosterone. Mr. D. points out that the cabinet full of their headshots lit by candles is creepy. "Totally creepy."

Okay, now it's really the final rose ceremony (fifteen minutes later).

First rose: Ron, the serious guy who admitted that he's still married. She pins it on his lapel.
Second rose: Grant. She thinks he's hot and he won't take his hands out of his pants. Look out.
3rd rose: Eric. Nose comes into the frame twenty seconds before the rest of his face.
4th: Robert, the cook who slipped a roofie into her tuna (Mr. D thinks this is a dirty joke).
5th: Sean. Please cut your hair.
6th: Ryan, the virgin. He just came in his pants.
7th: Chris. I like him the best so far. I love his dorky ears and his calmness.
8th: Paul. Yes, fine, he jumped in the pool.
9th: Fred from Chicago. He absolutely said absolutely again.
10th: Twilley. I like him too, though I don't know why, guess cause he's awkward.
11th: Jason. He is a dork.
Final rose: Bryan from Texas, the tall glass of water. The other Bryan almost went instead. Black guy did not even make it past the first ceremony.

Bye, dudes. Bye, Spiro. Bye, oyster country boy. Bye, turkey call who acted like a jerk. Aw, he's being hard on himself and actually crying. The intense guy is telling her that he holds her in the highest regard and he will not compromise himself by beating her up like he wants to. He will rise from the ashes and dust himself off piece-by-piece and howl at the moon. He is a total idiot.

That's it. Aren't you excited to see the many instant replays and previews for the next ten weeks? I know Mr. D. is. He is a good sport. I would give him a rose. Or two.