Another Two Hours of Your Life Gone Forever

What is this? A new BCS (or whatever channel this is) episode of The Bachelorette Tells Us All Stuff We Already Know! Luckily, I didn’t get home until late (such an industrious worker) and so missed the first half hour. I can’t say that I’ll write much about this particular episode because it’s just stupid recaps and hearing what Deeyawna has to say about the guys and why she sent the robot home and the Chi-town guy and the sweaty dude with his shirt unbuttoned to his navel, etc.

Weird to think that last week at this time, I was at Rosemont, watching this with a few of my new bffs. And here I am, back in my life. Had trouble falling asleep last night in part b/c this girl next door kept yelling, then I woke up at 5:30 am. because I was afraid I’d oversleep.

We’re getting an illustration of the lives of the six remaining guys. Jesse’s first. He’s a complete idiot. Please, please, please cut your hair and maybe put some powder on your nose and possibly stop wearing those circus tennis shoes. Here’s Twilley who may have a personality disorder, but he’s still my favorite b/c he’s the funniest or the weirdest and possibly the drunkest. Hmm…A pattern for me is murkily beginning to emerge…His dad was a professional something sports player but he draws. Aw, he draws! And he’s losing his hair, but we will try to overlook that and perhaps wonder if he could spray some on. She will never, never in the world pick him. Will they ever kiss? He needs to tone back on the stories with the crazy voices. This is who will win: the dad. The dad has a hot bod. Look, he’s exploiting his son for TV! He might be terrible in bed; looks like someone who has a diagram on the bedside table: “insert here.” Oh, right and the thumb on the chin thing. See, he’s quite exact. ‘K, here is Invisible Mullet. He owns fifty-give hundred pair of jeans, a five bedroom McMansion, twenty SUVs, works out in Hawaiian shorts and no shirt, uses facial cleansers and has a tanning bed in his house, wears a leather coat and talks to his mother fourteen times a day, and proudly admits that he’s a mama’s boy. God, I can’t stand how he jacks up the Southern accent when he’s talking to Deeyawna. We get to see his mullet disappear as this other dude cuts it, but, when he’s finished, it weirdly looks like he’s still got one. And Graham. He’s the one she totally wants to jump. Me too. Except for the perpetual five o’clock shadow. He’s the bad boy. And Jeremy is the one who is the most boring though he does have a cute dog. He’s playing the dead mom card. And the dead dad card! Good move. Deeyawna likes this because she has a dead mom too.

(Oh, dear, oh, no, crud. The mama kitty just showed up again on the back wall. She looks okay. I am certain she has kittens stashed somewhere. Goddamnit. I will try not to do anything. But I thought she was maybe dead so it’s good that she’s not. I want something something something something good to happen and kittens is not it).

And now. The show. The show that could be watched in fifteen minutes, but will be extended out in previews and flashbacks. She has said “my husband” no fewer than twenty-five times. It’s disgusting that she is going to kiss IM in a hammock (20 minutes of previews).

Our skinny host, Chris, shows up in the guy shack. Fifty percent of them are wearing hats. Shirts are all still on. I give them ten minutes before they start stripping. The men and Deeyawna are going to an exclusive resort in Palm Springs. Will Jesse ask someone to give him “knucks?” Jeremy runs up to give her the first hug. Why do we have to pretend that Deeyawna picks these locations single-handedly? She does not.

First one-on-one date goes to Sean. Gahross. And he has a tattoo on his back. Of all of his clothes, he chooses a tight gray t-shirt that will have instant sweat stains. They’re going up in a lift. He takes the opportunity to grab her ass when she gets freaked out by the heights. Romantic dinner at the top of the mountain. SNOOZE. He’s talking about walking around with a loaded gun. She says, Is it a hair trigger? Does it go off instantly? No, of course she didn’t say that. But I bet it does. “Anybody can say words, but it’s actions where it matters.”

(Date box for second one-on-one. Twilley has never once gone on a date with her. She is going instead with pointy-nosed Jeremy. Twilley is actually disappointed).

Oh, the gd rose petals on the sidewalk. They’re eating sushi chocolate. They need to stop taking these guys to places where they sweat. No fireplace or candles or heat lamps or torches, please. Because the guys are always sweat and it’s distracting. Now they lying down in a giant hammock, my nightmare. He’s trying to think how he’s going to make a move to kiss her without flipping the entire hammock. Side kiss. Those are the worst, oh, shit, he’s saying, “Thank you, baby. Kiss you, baby.” He does have big hands, which is attractive. God, I need to get out more.

Group date. Another gendered date wherein they will be driving dirt trucks or wait, no they’re going four wheeling. She’s taking Twilley alone with her on a helicopter ride. He asks how he opens a door for helicopter. He can’t do it. He will not kiss her and Graham is telling the camera that Twilley gets really bad motion sickness. Oh, great, he’s going to throw up on her. He is so cute. Why can’t she just like him? And now he can’t get out of the helicopter. Doesn’t she see that he’s funny? Maybe I should write him a letter after this? I could move to Tulsa. I wish at least two of these guys would kiss or fall in love or something. Two shirtless men on camera. I wonder how much they worked out before this show? Must’ve been like fourteen hours a day. Now they’re all swimming in the pool. The guys play that thing where they get on each other’s shoulders. Jason realizes that he sometimes gets lost in the shuffle because of his exactness. She pulls him aside to ask him what it would like to do hometown in Seattle with the son. It’s great that he lives in Seattle. He comes Jesse in stupid shorts. She’s hoping that he will kiss her. He won’t. He doesn’t get it. He won’t kiss her, I don’t think. He’s too scared. She can keep on waiting. Graham steals her away to take her on yet another hammock. Backwards baseball hats are not a turn on. (All Emma Carol does these days is sit in the window and meow at the outside world).

One-on-one date with Jeremy. She wears a sparkly yellow dress and they will be driving to some 50’s joint in a white 50s convertible. Gag. I mean, I love the 50s, but I hate how everything is themed. The date is taking place at Frank Sinatra’s house where he lived with Ava Gardner. They are having cocktails by the pool, oh, no, worse, they are singing Frank Sinatra karaoke songs. Both suck, but he sucks more. How do you not know the words to a Frank Sinatra song? She thinks they make a perfect dance couple. I think he’s almost, if not more, boring than Jason. Back at the ranch, Twilley compares Jeremy to a mutant from The Matrix and does a perfect imitation of him. He is super stiff and fake. They are now in the sauna and he’s kissing her just like someone in a Frank Sinatra movie. Hand under the chin. She doesn’t like him.

Okay, final cocktail party and rose ceremony. More drama because Deeyawna isn’t in the room. What? OMG! Oh, dear god, oh, who cares. It’s just that she’s pretending that she doesn’t know who she’s sending home. It’s clearly Sean and Twilley or Jesse and Twilley. Maybe Jeremy and Twilley. God, I am so disappointed in myself for knowing all of their names. If she gets rid of Graham, I’m going to kill her. Who gives a crap if there’s not going to be a cocktail party? Just get to the rose ceremony.

Rose Ceremony:

First rose: Jeremy. The other robot.
Second rose: Jason. No shit.
Third rose: She is going to give this to Sean and I am disgusted. Am I right? Graham. Thank GOD.
Fourth rose: Please don’t pick Sean, please don’t. It’ll be Sean, I know it. Come on. JHC. Oh, dang, she picked Jesse. Good, we don’t have to go see Sean’s house with the tanning bed.
Going home: Twilley. (I am typing this even before the rose ceremony. She won’t keep him). And Sean. Twilley, it’s you and me baby. Sean is trying to be noble and the clich├ęs are flying like mad. “You live and you learn. Thank you for the opportunity. A rolling kitten gathers no moss.” Twilley is saying how he’s not a super model, he’s just a nice guy, he knows he’s not the handsomest , but he does think he’s a good guy. He reminds me of Bill Murray.

Okay, that’s all for now bitches. I may write a letter to Twilley, just to let him know that I think he's a-okay.