The Bachelorette, Part 400 (or, Dear God, when will it end?)

Deeyawna must now have sex with all three of the guys to see if really wants to marry one or none of them. On this episode, she will have the chance to go on overnight dates in exotic locales like Grand Beach Island in Missouri.

Date one: Jeremy, the Robot. Hugs, hugs, all about the hugs and the picking up of each other. They share dead mom’s and that’s a bond that will last for at least three more dates until she finds out that he actually killed his mom. First, a power boat. Next, jet skis. Hi, don’t kiss each other while on separate jet skis, that’s rule number one. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Whoops. I accidentally fell asleep watching them wiggle their toes in the sand. They just found a hermit crab!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please tell me they aren’t going to drag this show out for two whole hours. Dinner time. Deeyawana wears a large green robe. She’s trying to get him to loosen up, but he can’t. He raises one eyebrow, that’s as much whimsy as he has. He just did it again. STOP. Now he’s confessing that he really likes her and that he is so afraid to lose her, because he doesn’t have her. ”I would tell you that I’m falling in love with you, but…That’s already happened.” Go, Jeremy! Way to take a risk. Loud kissing. He has not hesitated to take the fantasy suite card. Hey, why do the guys get to propose to the girl at the end? She picks the guy and then he gets to decide if he wants to propose, so wait…That’s not fair. They’re making out on the bed and he’s closing the door to the TV cameras. Wanna bet he likes it missionary style only?

Oh, dear, the second hour is The Guys Tell All. That’s what we have to endure for the second hour.

Date two: Jason. Still on the Grand Bahama Island in Missouri. He’s an idiot. He runs to see her, I wish he would fall face down in the sand. Sorry, but don’t run in flip flops across the sand. You cannot look cool that way. Jeremy does not play games. First, off-roading in a red Jeep. Why is this fun? Now, across the lake that he’s comparing to the Amazon. And a picnic on the other side. Aren’t there mosquitoes? Next, kayaking. Neither have done it and so this is a good way for them to learn how to fight and blame each other for mistakes. Evening time. Jason tells her that she looks gorgeous. I wonder if she wishes he’d play a little harder to get. I wish she wouldn’t always say everything with exclamation points at the end! He says that she’s one of the two most important topics in his life. The other is biology. She says, Everything happens for a reason. I disagree, but we’ve been over this. Will he accept the—YES! Of course he wants to go to the fantasy suite. What is she wearing on her arm? I think it’s the hermit crab from earlier. Again with the thumb on her chin when he kisses her. I wonder what his ex-wife is thinking as she’s watching this? He has a present for her. It’s a…sand dollar? Thanks…He thanks her too, for teaching him that he can fall in love again. Music crescendos, he puts his fricking thumb on her chin again. He seems like the type who will likely have some weird kinky fantasy where he wants her to dress up as Little Bo Beep and he wheels in his own little lamb.

Date three. Jesse, who cannot believe he is still on the show. Neither can we, dude. Please tell me he got a hair cut. Nope. It’s just greasy. First, horseback riding. He’s already said “rad” and “dawg.” They’re forcing the horses to swim in the ocean. Another little picnic. He says that he likes her way too much, dude. She rocks his knucks. They’re talking about how it’s good that were friends first. For like, five minutes. That means she thought you were a dork, dumbie. Now they are almost catching fire on the beach. Dinner. We’ve already seen six times from the previews that he may refuse the fantasy suite card because he says he wouldn’t feel right having bad sex with her until he first meets her dad. I am quite sure she will change his mind. She says she had tons of fun with Jesse during the day. He says that the day was awesome and he wants to ask her some serious questions. First, how soon does she want to get knocked up? She says, Right away. Could she move somewhere that doesn’t have snow b/c he’s a snowboarder. She basically says, Not really. He keeps talking about how he used to be in the snow all of the time and go shredding. This doesn’t have to do with paper, I guess. He doesn’t know what he wants to do, which is fine, because he’s 26, but I don’t think she wants that in a guy. He says that falling in love with her scares the crap out of him. Nice. Ha, ha, ha, ha, the whole thing was a joke, he of course wants to go to fantasy suite and shred her. He tells her that if she chooses him, he hopes that she’s serious about getting married, and something else, can’t focus, am hypnotized by the watch on his arm which is the size of the one top of City Hall.

Final rose ceremony. Deeyawna says that she’s falling in love with all three guys. She must only do what her heart tells her to do and she’s sick to her stomach because she knows she’ll break someone’s heart tonight. Please get rid of…I can’t even say who I want her to send home because I don’t like Jeremy or Jesse. I’m guessing she’ll send home Jesse. WHAT? He got the first rose. WHAT??? Is she crazy? If she sends dad home, I will officially give up this show. I mean it. Come on. Jeremy is a dud. Okay, she picked Jason. Jeremy goes home. He will kill her now with one quick chop to the back of her skull. He looks off into the distance, calculating what the proper human response should be. She cries and sniffles because that’s what she always does. He sweats and looks at the ground because that’s what he always does. She says that she cares about him, but that she doesn’t really love him. He says that he’s hurt and he’s never had his heart broken like this. He’s in love with her, he says. Today could potentially be one of the worst days he’s ever had. How about when your mom died? Does that compare to this girl you’ve known on TV for six weeks? I’m sure he will get plenty of fan mail and have a new girlfriend in like one day.

I’m not even typing what he’s saying in the limo because they are dragging this out soooooooooooooooooooo long. He’s making them stop the car for one second so he can walk around and do what? Pick a rock up to keep? Jump over the wall to get her? Okay, now he’s scaring me because it does look like he might kidnap her.
Next, the bachelor’s tell all! Except you will have to watch this on your own, because I can’t possibly type this up. Too many oxfords in the room.


Courtney said…
Why the hell is she keeping the loser snowboarder? WHY?! I think she's doing it just to piss me off.
Aimee said…
I totally agree. I can't believe he made it this far. He's so not a match for her. I can't wait until he meets her parents and says, I like the crap out of your rad daughter!