Yes, Again

Why is this starting at 8 p.m.? Why are the shows still two hours long?

Twelve men left and Chris Harrison continues to looks like he's got an up-coming audition for a made-for-TV version of Kafka's The Hunger Artist. I remain amazed that Graham or whatever his name is can maintain this not quite shaved look. I guess what's happening is that the guys who used to live in the house with Deeyawna have to move out and three new ones get to come in and look at her in her bikini. Wait, maybe not. I missed last week, so I don't get it. She's making them perform like dolphins, throwing them balls that they must jump and try to catch in mid-air on their noses. The other dudes are hanging out at the dude ranch. It's so weird to see guys try to pretend that they like her. The restaurant dude is explaining to the other guys what's happening. "She's in her bikini, right? And she's totally hanging out of it, you see? And she's rubbing lotion on their noses and faces..." (She is doing that, oh, but now three guys are rubbing lotion on her. My fantasy come true, except I wouldn't be into the short and squat dude).

One-on-one date goes to Richard, the guy who hasn't said one thing the entire three episodes. He is distinguishable only in that he always has sunglasses on the top of his head (as does every other guy). He's a science teacher. Oh, Dick, we wish you luck. Deeyawna is obnoxious. She walks into the room and hollers, "Hey, bitches, help me walk down this ramp in these stupid heels! Hurry up!" Dick is earnestly telling the camera that he may be falling for her or maybe not, but he hopes he gets the rose. For their date, they will be traveling to a rooftop with a breath-taking view of smog-covered downtown LA. Gag, Dick is a cornball, "I know I’m supposed to be enjoying the view of the pollution, but I can't help enjoying the view of Deeyawna." She asks, "What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for a girl?" He tells her this stupid story about packing a backpack full of cheese to a canyon to look for shooting stars. Now, he's geekily explaining shooting stars. She hides a yawn behind her hand, "Geez, I never knew that. Nor did I care to know."

Back at the ranch, the guys are shooting pool and discussing whether or not Dick will get a rose. Uh oh, date box arrives. I can't believe Twilley is still in the game. Group date with a bunch of dudes. Could all of them all be going on this date? Oh, okay, all but Jason which means he gets the other one-on-one date where he can finally talk about his son. Enough with the SON already. Just tell her. He'll be graduating high school by the time he gets around to mentioning his existence.

Wait, I just fell asleep for a second while Dick was explaining his passion for teaching in a monotone. Deeyawna pretends not to care about money and the fact that she makes three times what he does. I wish she would get really drunk and tell him that he's a crashing bore. She's asking him about past girlfriends and he confesses that he's never brought anyone home to his family, mostly because he likes men. Whoops! Will he or won't he get a rose??? He's dying to kiss her and he's going to do an 80 to 20 percent test. He's going to lean in 80 percent and see if she comes the next 20 percent. I am so embarrassed. She leaps away from him and pushes him into a Cinderella carriage. They have nothing to say to each other and the horse is getting explosive diaherria. The horse won't stop whinnying (even though I think it's probably added later).

Uh-oh, she's going to tell him to get lost. They always make them say stuff that makes it sounds like they might ask for a kiss and then they do a reversal. "I really like you and I'd really like to marry you and I hope you feel the exact same way...But I've decided that I would rather be with someone else who is the exact opposite of you in every aspect." She's crying. That's the advantage girls have in this show versus The Bachelor. They can shed a tear and the guy just has to take it and endure a long friend hug. I like being a girl! He must step out of the carriage and try to find a taxicab to take him back to the house to grab his bags and return to his science class broken-hearted. The guys watch as his suitcase are carted away by some anonymous person with broad shoulders (maybe he'll win her heart in the end?). They're in shock. He doesn't even get to say good-bye to the dudes. Don't worry, someone will see this show and write you fan mail. Not me, but somebody. Some twelve year old girl from Detroit possibly.

The date treasure box shows up. It's filled with cowboy clothes--boots, ten gallon hats, lassos, lariats, branding equipment, snap-up shirts, cattle prods. This is so dumb. Seriously. Jesse, the snow boarder, is a total douche. They're headed for The Red Barn. She wears her hair in braids and a tight shirt, low slung jeans. She can't stop talking in an exaggerated Southern accent. The guys are being taught how to do line dancing. They do look kinda cute. Maybe I have a thing for cowboys. Jesse sucks at it. Aw, the poor Chicago guy is totally not going to get a rose. He cannot dance and he cannot talk. Deeyawna has been practicing for weeks and so she can of course do it. Thanks for the extra lessons, ABC! They are being forced to ride the mechanical bull. I can't wait for her nose bleed. Twilley's the best and then stupid Jesse who stays on the longest. Okay, here goes Deeyawna to get an injury--oh, it's a fake out. She's just waiting to see who will come to her rescue. Damnit, Jesse was the first one to go to her. He just wanted to check out if there's any blood. For his heroic-ness, she allows him one-on-one time. He says, "I want to be that guy who farts in bed with you." He really said this.

Nighttime: she's pulling the barber Ron aside to give him a good talking to about his confronting Jeremy about confronting Tom about staying in the house about Fred whose brother passed him a note and...I can't follow this. I guess Ron is dissing him because he thinks Jeremy is a woose. He says, "I think that iron sharpens iron. You need someone who is as strong as you." He keeps smiling in this really stupid way like he's a serial killer. He will not get a rose. They're gossiping around the fire and Ron is again telling Jeremy that he doesn't have enough tact. What the hell did he do to piss this guy off? I hate this Ron guy. Is he a politician? Where the hell is Deeyawna, peeing in the forest? Speaking of pee, Jeremy is telling the camera that he's not here to have a pissing contest with Ron. Good boy. Oh, I guess everyone hates Jeremy, but I can't figure out why. What did he do? The two guys Fred and Graham are sneaking up on Deeyawna and Jeremy. I think it's possible that Deeyawna won't like any of these dudes. Now the chef is lamenting the fact that he hasn't had any one-on-one time with her. Everyone's uncomfortable. Oh, okay, now he gets to talk to her. He takes his hat off to address her. That's nice of him. I just told Julie on the phone that I like Robert, but he looks like he's just lost twenty-pounds and will then balloon up as soon as the credits role. She smiles a big fat fake smile. Oh, a rose is being handed out. I bet Robert will get it. Yeah!!! He gets to say for another week. He kisses her on the cheek. Omigod, they're singing "Home on the Range." I bet they've been forced to do that.

This show is unending. We still have an entire HOUR left.

Date box for Jason. (Oh, dear, Robert has a popped collar. He just went down three notches in my estimation). He won't stop smiling. Is this show sponsored by Pepsodent or someone? They are being picked up in a yellow helicopter. I guess he's cute, but it may just be that he's one of the few people who has a distinguishing characteristic (a kid). Do people riding helicopters have to wear those headsets? I guess they do so that they can talk to one another. Have I ever been in helicopter? I think maybe, but I might have also dreamed that. (My guess is that the guy with the mullet will go home this week, as will Ron, as will Twilley. That's my psychic shot for the day). They're having a date in an astronomy lab? Wouldn't that have been a better date for the science nerd?

Note: I did have the whole rest of the show, but my computer froze and I lost it. Sorry. Ron was kicked off and so was shortie, Paul. That's about it. Seriously though, it was long enough, right?