The Bachelorette

I am writing this from a workshop at beautiful Rosemont College. This will be pretty discombobulated because I am only half paying attention and half trying to socialize.

First one on one date: Jesse the snowboarder is serenading Deeyawnah by singing a terrible song/poem that rhymes. Do not rhyme. Especially not Deeyawnah with “Pee on Ya” (that line is courtesy of Courtney, one of the workshoppers here. And she’s not even a poetry person!). We missed the first 22 minutes, so who knows what’s going on. Likely not much. Okay, now they’re at dinner. He’s saying he’s not the kind of guy who cheats. He’s eating like he’s never been out to dinner before, with the knife upside down. I’m not that kind of guy who opens up. I want you to know that I’m into you. It’s real. She’ smiles fakely. He says, it’s real for me. She admits that she’s not typically attracted to, uh, people like him (uh, douchebags?). He could at least wash his hair before the date. I can’t understand anything he’s saying because he’s mumbling. She’s going to give him the rose because things keep growing between them every time they get together and he tells more fart jokes (Courtney astutely points out that he has hat head from wearing a snow boarding hat for twelve years in a row). They are being serenaded by Natasha Someone who has her dress belted directly below her boobs. Who got her this gig? What kind of agent does she have? He should be fired immediately. It’s great that Jesse and Deeyawna are exactly the same height and that he can spin her twenty times in row.

Time for the six on one date (not a porno reference). They are going to the Indy five hundred so they can drive stock cars. Jeremy still creeps me out; don’t know why. They are being forced to wear stock car oilcan outfits like someone from one of those Tom Cruise movies. Why do they always have to make them do contests? Oh, here’s Brian, who appears to be part robot. I can’t tell if his hair is gray or blond or what. He’s having trouble getting the car to go forward, but now he’s able to speed around the raceway at thirty miles an hour. Now here goes dad. Second place. Graham would rather die of embarrassment than drive fast. Jeremy is in fourth place and he is very upset. Twilley who is like Bill Murray will probably be in last place. Please don’t yell, Yo hoo!! Oh, he did. Multiple times. Now mullet head is going, trying to beat Twilley’s high race score, which he did. He tells her that he wants to win the race to her heart. We, the viewing audience, collectively gag. He looks like he might be into chewing tobacco. “We got this little bluegrass connection that no one else can share.” Yee-haw!! Now Deeyawna is driving and she has the hightest score. The guy with the invisible mullet just said, “You know, when she left rubber at the starting line, I thought, that is my wife. That is my wife!” By the by, everyone still hates Jeremy. Even good ole Twilley. Here comes Graham with the stupid facial hair. They’re holding hands. The guys are talking about how jealous they are. And they all seem to be saying that they’re falling in love with her. She has a blinking problem, most definitely. Deeyawan totally wants to jump Graham’s bones. Graham is saying how he wants their relationship to be different and she’s hurt by this. She keeps telling these guys that she knows exactly how they’re feeling and yet she acts like a jerk. She has asked him to open up and then when he does, she gets mad because he’s telling her that he’s feeling bad.

Robert and Fred are having a serious conversation with dueling accents.

Deeyawna just gave the first impression rose to Sean. He is really playing up the Southern boy bullshit.

Back at the ranch the next day, we have to see that Jesse is wearing the worst shorts ever. They have invited Deeyawna and the two boys to have an outdoor bbq. They’re letting the chef cook with his stupid popped collar. One of the guys is wearing a shirt that reads, “Home Wrecker.” Deeyawna feels a little awkard, like she didn’t fit into the guys standing around with their shirts off. Like almost all of them are not wearing shirts. Deeyawna is very upset because she should be the happiest person in the world but they’re all breaking her heart. She cries and says, “I came down to hang out with all y’all but if you don’t want to hang out then you should go home. Just go home. Or at least put your shirts back on.” She has put 100% into this every day and this is not fair! She can’t promise that she’s not going to make connections with other guys, but when she’s with you, she’s focused in on whoever the hell she is with.”

Here’s the two on one date (or as Kate calls it, “The two for one date”) wherein one of them will have to go home. She is serving them dinner at a mansion in the Hollywood Hills and wearing a gold lame shirt. Both of the men are sweating to death and Robert’s shirt is unbuttoned to his navel. She asks her typical question, What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done? Robert has chartered a helicopter and then took her back to the bed filled with rose petals. Greg’s was a surprise get-away and he took her bags and they went to Lake Geneva to just be with the other person. Robert is saying that he loves Fred, but he’s going to punch him in the face. He needs a wet wipe. He moved in for the kiss and she tells him he can have her cheek because she doesn’t want to be covered in his sweat. He’s two buttons away from showing his belly button and/or his nipple. She’s calling him out for running away from the situation. He keeps saying how there’s a connection while the rest of us are hiding our faces behind our hands.

She and Jeff or Fred or whatever his name is are now awkwardly sitting on a chaise lounge. He sees that there’s a connection and she sees that he is wearing his hair like a living Kewpie doll. Okay, she must choose one of the guys to go home. Robert thinks that he is going to get it. And he is not getting it. He does a triple take and then gets into the limo. He’s lying on the floor of the limo and saying, “I am destroyed. I just can’t believe I misread the connection so badly. I am just sad.” A single tear rolls down his cheek. Look, I don’t mean to be an asshole, but he could have tried some Clearsil before the date. She is sending Jeff/Fred home too! She is a bad ass. She cannot bring herself to lead him on. And so off he and his argyle sweater goes back to Chi-town.

The cocktail party:

Okay, the guy with the invisible mullet is wearing a striped suit. Jeremy is making a last pitch about how he hates that she was upset. Courtney says that he looks an ugly Keanu Reeves. It’s true. Here comes the robot, The data that you’ve inputted seems accurate. Twilley is making a last ditch attempt, he’s fearful b/c he doesn’t get much time with her. And he wants to explore all the options. Graham wants to know what’s going on in her mind. He says that he was glad to have been caused pain by her being hurt (?). She doesn’t ever want to be confused as to why he’s here. He says, I’m here for you. They kiss with tongue.
Rose ceremony:

First rose: Jason. Of course. She LOVES him.
Second rose: Jeremy. Do not like this guy.
Third rose: Oh, Twilley. I don’t really get it. They don’t seem to have any connection.
Fourth rose: Pick Graham.

Aw, Brian is going home. Like, no kidding. We haven’t heard a peep out of him the entire time. He just left to get his batteries charged. And used the word: “behooved.”