Music Video of the Week: One Tree Hill

I should probably not critique a show that I have never, ever seen before in my life and which I have only really been listening to for the last few minutes as I've had my back turned to play the 100th game of Spider Solitaire. That said, I thought while listening to One Tree Hill that it was a recap of scenes from the entire season. Not one scene runs longer than 2:30 seconds of which 2 minutes of that is filled with music that you can later buy for a mere $14.99. They keep doing all of these flashbacks; hmm...it must be some kind of like wrap up show (here comes the music, slo mo scenes of guys playing basketball, a girl who is a more filled out, healthier version of Ashley or Kirsten Olsen or maybe she's Hillary Duff's third sister? Whoever it is, it appears that she lives with her ex boyfriend who no longer wants her because she went to pursue her guitar career. Now they're making out and he's telling her to leave, something that no self respecting 16 year old guy would do).

Example of actual dialogue:

Hillary Duff Olsen: "Always and forever..." Remember?
That Vampire Guy From Buffy: Hillary, I just can't do this. I can't!
HDO: I understand. (She leaps off the bed, on the brink of tears for the 1,000 time).
Vampire Dude: Wait! "Always and forever..." I still love you, Hillary....dotdotdotdot. I just can't trust you (end of scene, lasting about 25 seconds. Cue the music which I'm sure is called "Always and Forever").

What sucks most about these teen soap operas is that they try to pack drama into these tiny little slices of time and so every scene has to have some life changing event that is in absolutely no way realistic. Why can't they write a smart teen soap? I guess Buffy was like that, but I never really watched that show.

Next scene:

Best friend addressing HDO, who does actually resememble that mean girl from Buffy except with a scratchier voice and slices of dimples in both cheeks: How much for a broken heart with a side of regret? End of scene. That is really the whole scene.

Shaved head guy walking on a pier with someone, either his girlfriend or his mother since everyone in this show is of indeterminate age and they are all in love with each other. You can only tell who is older because though they look about the same age, their skin is much tighter from plastic surgery. "She's back. I saw her." End scene.

Athletes changing socks. One guy is black, here's his advice "You can't get her all back at once. Take it slow, give it time. Catcha later." Boy stares at a letter. Cleft chin quivers. Oh, he is turning the pages of annulment papers. End of scene.

HDO and Raspy Voice, Are you going to move in? Yes, I'll take it. Come on in, roommate. End scene.

Church. Really ugly guy goes into confessional. He is having a crisis of faith because he also is getting a divorce. UG: Cut it short, padre. After all they crucifixed your boy, didn't they? (This is called transgressive dialogue). I'm nothing I intended to be. That troubles me.

Faceless priest: Have you come seeking absolution?

UG: Yeah, I suppose I have. Let me ask you something. (mumble, mumble--acting jaw clencehd so tightly that I can't understand the dude. Flashback to a fire scene). It's simple really. Three months ago, someone tried to kill me. They drugged me and left me for dead. I pretended not to remember. (flashbacks going crazy now intersperesed with scenes of his shadowed face). I will find out who did this to me. I could turn this place to ruin!!!!!! (Flames fill the screen as he clenches his jaw and cracks off a tooth). End scene.

Shaved head guy on the beach with Raspy Voice who also wears a raspy black bikini. I suppose maybe they're dating--oh, yes, earlier, they decided they would date instead of being serious, though maybe they'll continue to have sex.

SHG: So when are we going to get to that kissing part? (Fourteen year old girls are screaming and clutching each others arms all across the country. These kisses will now forever shape their expectations for how boys should kiss them. They will be disappointed).

RV: I'd say right about now if you know what's good for you (she takes a picutre of them kissing with her cell phone) End.

Oh god, now we're going to have montages. I can tell because the soundtrack is back on along with a cornball voice-over. This blond chick is painting red swipes on a wall spelling out her phone number. She must be the quirky one. Oh, god--no, it's the number of people in the world (and her phone number?). Switch to Raspy Voice thumb-tacking the photos on her wall that she took at the beach and her new roommate HDO, playing with her wedding ring and gazing longingly at the ceiling. Now somebody's mom and somebody's other mom cleaning up at the restaurant. I can't follow the voice over. Back to blond, she is just now facing the truth (she says). Now the church again. "Some are evil men, at war with God..." Flashback of UG falling over and other clues as to who tried to kill him. Shaved head guy with piece of paper in his hands. Naked guy in lcoker room (finally!). Totally nerdy ugly guy with large nostrils, okay, we've now just descended into showing faces. Music swells, close-up on the red painted number "1" (get it? Like One Tree Hill???).

Now we are listening to Fox News.

So that's my real time recap of the last 15 minutes of the show. Again, you can purchase the CD right now of the very same music you will hear again next week.

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