"Honey, Your Kid is a Lesbian"

Here's what happens when you watch TV on a Monday night--you are subject to great shows like Seventh Heaven where the acting is so bad that it's almost a parody; not to mention that the dialogue sounds like it's been written in fifteen minutes by a group of 7th Heaven 7th graders.

Ugly Teenage Girl Who Used to Be Cute at the Beginning of the Show Ten Years Ago (in monotone): Hi, Dillon. What's going on?

Hot Teenage Guy Who Would Never Be Interested Her Ever: Hey, Sophie. What's happening (also, he's supposed to be in high school and yet he looks to be about 27).

UTG: (trying to emote by pursing together her heavily glossed lips): Dillon, I thought we were going to have Thanksgiving together!

HTG: Sure, Sandi. We are. Why wouldn't we being having Thanksgiving dinner together, Sally?

UTG: But I thought you got that one girl pregnant even though this show is supposed to be about Christians and has absolutely no edge and so it's kind of shocking that you would even be allowed to put your penis in someone else, Dillon. But remember, I'm a virgin.

HTG: See you later then.

(Both hang up. No one says bye on these shows).

After Seventh Heaven, you can then turn to TLC to watch Honey, You're Killing the Kids, a show specifically about fat families who will never stick to this once the cameras aren't rolling. (notice that none of the make-over shows like this and Super Nanny seldom have follow up shows). In this show, the morbidly obese mom and dad are shown photos of how their kids will look if they continue to eat the Cheetos, cupcakes, hamburgers, sugar cereal, and other junk food that crowds the cabinets and the fridge. The kids are basically Photoshopped so that the children look just like their parents only with darker circles under their eyes.

In this particular episode that's unfolding even as I type this, there are three girls, none of whom look that big to me. One girl is at a horrible awkward age--between 13 and 15 and she also may very well be a lesbian. However, the kids are forced to go to cheerleading camp where the teenager must do tumbles alongside tiny little seven year olds who have been taking tumbling since they were age three.

This is a three week program.

It's wrapping up now. Dad's trying to get on a horse. It's not pretty.

But listen, people: "The journey we have been on the last three weks has been like a roller coaster the entire time," dad just said. The finale will be a new look at their kids in the future if they continue eating tofu and taking cheerleading. Wouldn't it be great if they showed them the exact same pictures, given the low odds that they'll continue this lifestyle?

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