Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Juan Pablo Goes to Utah
Note: first time I've seen the Bachelor give a piggy back ride. Dan and I were going to act that out, but I would totally crush him.
Group date on the same set as Storage Wars. Of course the black girl is on this date. Lots of short shorts happening and the girls knock each other over trying to show how they can limbo underneath the garage door. A man with a seaweed colored goatee meets them and tells them they will have to have their pictures taken with dogs. Where's the girl who hates dogs? This sequence makes me want to adopt a crippled dog. Dan says, "Let's do it doggie style, with Juan Pablo!!" The girls all have to wear costumes to match the dogs. How much would it suck to be the girl dressed as the fire hydrant next to the girl dressed as a life guard in a bikini. Elise is being forced to go naked alongside that other girl who has to wear a cardboard sign. Andi goes, "This is out of my comfort zone." I would hazard a guess that it's really not in many people's comfort zone to be naked in a photo shoot next to a Great Dane. I'm somewhat relieved that these girls are putting up some resistance to being naked on TV. Oh, wait, I spoke too soon. Free spirit has been dying to get naked and has no problem switching places and giving Elise the fire hydrant.
Dan thinks it would be funny if after Juan Pablo convinces the girl to go naked, he says "Surprise, my whole family is here to meet you!"
The show is not even half over yet. I cannot believe it.
Drunk girl, Victoria, says she enjoyed giving Jan Pablo the hymen maneuver--she goes to the bathroom and starts crying and the camera man goes underneath the toilet door to capture it. She accidentally went through the work out room and is saying that she wants to go home, over and over and over while waving her blue fingernails. This crying scene was the preview from last week, where they made it seem like something interesting or dramatic actually happened, not this nonsense that goes on every Friday night in every Chili's bathroom in South Florida after the two-for-one happy hour special.
My least favorite part of the show so far is Juan Pablo telling the woman whose a pediatric nurse that he thinks her job is cute. He says this after cupping her head in his hands and basically petting her.
Who is this Chelsea person? Who is this girl whose job is "dog lover?" I wish the black girl would say something like, "I know I'm only here to seem as if the show's producers are sensitive to racial issues, but I know I don't have a shot in hell at getting past the third episode."
Next morning, all of the girls are sitting around in their bikinis talking shit on Victoria. She explains to JP that she's sorry she acted like a freak, but when she's happy, she's really happy, when she's sad, she's really sad--in other words, she's bipolar. Oh, God, she's emerging as the front runner as the bad girl not here for the right reasons. Wait, what??? Juan is sending her home. That kind of stuff never happens. They almost always are forced to keep the crazy ones for better ratings. He says he couldn't have her around because she was too immature to raise his daughter for him. Good job, JP.
The one girl is disassociating right now and interviewing him like a reporter. So embarrassing. The really beautiful, slightly masculine girl apologizes for not being more gracious about getting the first impression rose. She totally reminds me of that one terrible actress in that equally terrible film with Mike Douglas. This one:
Spooky likeness, huh?
Stop crying, you dummy. Stop saying how hard it is to be there with all these other beautiful girls. You've seen the show at least once before, right? Juan Pablo goes in to talk to her and show that he understands what it's like to be a mother. He fist bumps her to reassure her that he's serious about her.
Chris welcomes the women to the first rose ceremony. Cat, Celly, and Claire are all safe and I don't like that redhead. Juan Pablo comes in with exactly the same amount of artful scruff he's had on his face all week.
First rose: Cassandra, fist bump girl
Second rose: Nikki, blond with a down-turned mouth.
Third rose: Andy with a "y"
Fourth rose: Chris, "you have the best tits" (Dan quote)
Fifth rose: (every girl looks like she wants to puke) Charlene aka Theresa Russell says "sure" instead of "absolutely" when she accepts the rose and she winks. I love it.
Sixth rose: Bernie? I can't understand his accent.
Seventh rose: Danielle, possibly mixed race, kind of insect-like
Eighth rose: Lucy, the free spirit who he will never really be serious about. Wears a top knot and some other girl's underwear.
Ninth rose: Edison or Carson.
Tenth rose: Chelsea. How is she able to not wear a bra?
11th rose: Lauren, nondescript.
Last rose: Christie.
Wow, the black girl didn't make it past the second episode. Shock. Reporter chick goes home for being an idiot and too young for him. Oh, well. Please don't cry. She says she's not what he's looking for. Dan goes, "How about, 'He's not what I'm looking for.'" Black girl says, "I understood going into this that I didn't' have much of a chance because of tokenism and because in the entire history of The Bachelor, there's never even been a kiss between a black person and a white person."No, she didn't say that. She too wondered if she would ever find love.
Okay, next week, Shawn and Catherine prepare for their TV wedding and Juan Pablo's adventure continues with them leaping off of things and going into the water in a Jeep and doing a lot of kissing with his entire hands covering their faces.t