Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Juan Pablo Goes to Utah

All I want to say right now is that if someone took me on a five-K run for my first date, I would kill him. This girl, the dental hygientist/dancer/teacher/actor is a good sport for wearing the Day-glo and pretending not to be totally disappointed that she has to keep twerking. Hands down, the other date was way better, though I would also hate a guy who forced me to go ice skating, as I tend to skate with my ankles turned in. I get it already, he's an athlete, so every single date is going to focus on some athletic event and there is no way we'll get through the season without seeing him on the soccer field. Also,  he will be making the women to jump over hurdles, sky-dive into a waterfall, climb the South American Great Wall of China, charm snakes.

Note: first time I've seen the Bachelor give a piggy back ride. Dan and I were going to act that out, but I would totally crush him.

Group date on the same set as Storage Wars. Of course the black girl is on this date. Lots of short shorts happening and the girls knock each other over trying to show how they can limbo underneath the garage door. A man with a seaweed colored goatee meets them and tells them they will have to have their pictures taken with dogs. Where's the girl who hates dogs? This sequence makes me want to adopt a crippled dog. Dan says, "Let's do it doggie style, with Juan Pablo!!" The girls all have to wear costumes to match the dogs. How much would it suck to be the girl dressed as the fire hydrant next to the girl dressed as a life guard in a bikini. Elise is being forced to go naked alongside that other girl who has to wear a cardboard sign. Andi goes, "This is out of my comfort zone." I would hazard a guess that it's really not in many people's comfort zone to be naked in a photo shoot next to a Great Dane.  I'm somewhat relieved that these girls are putting up some resistance to being naked on  TV. Oh, wait, I spoke too soon. Free spirit has been dying to get naked and has no problem switching places and giving Elise the fire hydrant.

Dan thinks it would be funny if after Juan Pablo convinces the girl to go naked, he says "Surprise, my whole family is here to meet you!"

The show is not even half over yet. I cannot believe it.

Drunk girl, Victoria, says she enjoyed giving Jan Pablo the hymen maneuver--she goes to the bathroom and starts crying and the camera man goes underneath the toilet door to capture it. She accidentally went through the work out room and is saying that she wants to go home, over and over and over while waving her blue fingernails. This crying scene was the preview from last week, where they made it seem like something interesting or dramatic actually happened, not this nonsense that goes on every Friday night in every Chili's bathroom in South Florida after the two-for-one happy hour special.

 My least favorite part of the show so far is Juan Pablo telling the woman whose a pediatric nurse that he thinks her job is cute. He says this after cupping her head in his hands and basically petting her.

Who is this Chelsea person? Who is this girl whose job is "dog lover?" I wish the black girl would say something like, "I know I'm only here to seem as if the show's producers are sensitive to racial issues, but I know I don't have a shot in hell at getting past the third episode."

Next morning, all of the girls are sitting around in their bikinis talking shit on Victoria. She explains to JP that she's sorry she acted like a freak, but when she's happy, she's really happy, when she's sad, she's really sad--in other words, she's  bipolar. Oh, God, she's emerging as the front runner as the bad girl not here for the right reasons. Wait, what??? Juan is sending her home. That kind of stuff never happens. They almost always are forced to keep the crazy ones for better ratings. He says he couldn't have her around because she was too immature to raise his daughter for him. Good job, JP.

The one girl is disassociating right now and interviewing him like a reporter. So embarrassing. The really beautiful, slightly masculine girl apologizes for not being more gracious about getting the first impression rose. She totally reminds me of that one terrible actress in that equally terrible film with Mike Douglas. This one:


Spooky likeness, huh?

Stop crying, you dummy. Stop saying how hard it is to be there with all these other beautiful girls. You've seen the show at least once before, right? Juan Pablo goes in to talk to her and show that he understands what it's like to be a mother. He fist bumps her to reassure her that he's serious about her.

Chris welcomes the women to the first rose ceremony. Cat, Celly, and Claire are all safe and I don't like that redhead. Juan Pablo comes in with exactly the same amount  of artful scruff he's had on his face all week.

First rose: Cassandra, fist bump girl
Second rose: Nikki, blond with a down-turned mouth.
Third rose: Andy with a "y"
Fourth rose:  Chris, "you have the best tits" (Dan quote)
Fifth rose: (every girl looks like she wants to puke) Charlene aka Theresa Russell says "sure" instead of "absolutely" when she accepts the rose and she winks. I love it.
Sixth rose: Bernie? I can't understand his accent.
Seventh rose: Danielle, possibly mixed race, kind of insect-like
Eighth rose: Lucy, the free spirit who he will never really be serious about. Wears a top knot and some other girl's underwear.
Ninth rose: Edison or Carson.
Tenth rose: Chelsea. How is she able to not wear a bra?
11th rose: Lauren, nondescript.
Last rose: Christie.

Wow, the black girl didn't make it past the second episode. Shock. Reporter chick goes home for being an idiot and too young for him. Oh, well. Please don't cry. She says she's not what he's looking for. Dan goes, "How about, 'He's not what I'm looking for.'" Black girl says, "I understood going into this that I didn't' have much of a chance because of tokenism and because in the entire history of The Bachelor, there's never even been a kiss between a black person and a white person."No, she didn't say that. She too wondered if she would ever find love.

Okay, next week, Shawn and Catherine prepare for their TV wedding and Juan Pablo's adventure continues with them leaping off of things and going into the water in a Jeep and doing a lot of kissing with his entire hands covering their faces.t

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

To be a smidge fair, Juan Pablo to me, is about as sexy as Fozzie Bear vs Pe Pe La Pugh although he does possess a really great upper body and lovely chiseled face. He seems genuinely friendly but lacking maybe something referred to in America as 'depth'. (I lost my fascination with men with accents back in my 20's...) when I realized they were just guys with accents.
His aiii yiiii yiiii pelvic thrust, let's just daaaaance together, ADHD personality will most likely ruin his chances with being with 'just one' at least until his late 60's anyway. Ha! Those hot latinos... JP getting engaged in 8 weeks, the show must go on.
Victoria the drunk girl was hysterical when she gave the most insincere apology EVA trying her hardest not to break a laugh, with a series of hung-over painful faces, for by God, she has just received her free pass to the Bachelor Pad for more air 'my drunk bikini ass' time.
Sharleen the 'elegant one' gets the first impression rose (or rather your the hottest one to JP rose) and on camera, battles her true, bitter, jealous and insecure voices in her head for this whole game but then decides to give the guy a chance after all. Bleh, we already hate you. But that didn't stop Vienna from winning her playa.
Nikki the 'neonatal nurse' is using the nurse card to win Daddy JP's heart. She did have on the most daring gown of the night showing her smoking hot 26 year old bod. Next Bachelorette?? I can see it. She'd be better with a guy with no kid. Nursing career may be in ruins after this.
Clare the first bubble head giggly one on one date was a great match for him. They could have stopped the show right there and got engaged. The worship and intrigue she had for him was off the charts. She could probably have used wrist guards and should not ice skate.
Kat was a good sport with the incredibly unromantic date of 'running' it was really hard to detect chemistry. She's seems more than enthusiastically fake.
Renee the old older MOMA from FL with the hooded eyes and gynormous eye lashes, was a little too busy mothering the drama girls. These girls never finish in first in the competition. Although JP's seems to think she's extra hot because she's a mom. Maybe she can be his mom too. The younger mom is 21. Meh, it could work.
Andi the 'I'm losing control, control, control freak' is NOT going to put up with this humiliation for long. Crying I'M NOT doing IT, no, wait, I'll do it for you because you looked into my eyes? WT? And then to have to share the frame with the natural ever so cute hippy, nudist, bizarre, free love, Lucy? Could Lucy's mom have taken acid when she was Prego?
Oh Chatel, you never had a shot. You are too smart and perhaps a little to white for him. Should have showed him you can dance.
Kelly the dog lover? Think she'll continue that career when they are married. Although she got to add a snarky commentary on drunk girl and a cutsie cameo at the end of the segment.
Who the heck is Danielle? The ones without air time will be the dark horses.
Stay tuned!

Aimee said...

I could not agree more.You should blog about it too!

He's pretty bland.

Anonymous said...

I also agreed with all the comments. This Juan Pablo guy is a joke. I'm not an avid watcher of The Bachelor however the episodes I've seen so far seems like a nice guy and gentleman with all the ladies..That's great of course but with that being said this is a contest to see who he ends up with. So far the only way you know he doesn't keep someone on the show is if the woman is drunk. Also you don't know his type. He appears to be the type of guy that any woman is his type.. Except for drunks. I've dated guys like this and basically JP is nothing but a flirt. In the end, he will probably end up marrying his baby mama or already has a gf on the side.
As far as the black girl.. Why does the ABC and the producers of this show put a black person on the show??? you know how it will end!!! It's just like the old joke about the horror movie.. the black person is the first or second character to be killed off. This is jmo but this show is lame!