The Bachelor Goes to the Opera
Juan Pablo reminds us that he's a dad. He loves his daughter and she is bilingual.
Chris reminds the girls that they've come a long way (two weeks) and they still have a long way to go (four more weeks). He lets them know they're going to the home of Daniel Boone or somewhere. Oh, Seoul, South Korea. Half of them think that's in West LA. Omigod, they only have one hour to pack! How is that hard? Do they have to do it blindfolded?
JP has again the exact same amount of facial scruff as the week before. He's in Seoul South Korea to find his wife. He starts talking to a woman on the street corner and gives her a rose. If only. Seoul looks a lot like Times Square. The girls never stop screaming and jumping up and down. One of blonds wants to get to know him better since he's so attractive. She said that. She's upset that she's on a group date with five other annoying girls.
Group date--what sport will they be playing today to show off his muscular cankles? Oh, dear, the hair dresser has over done his hair mousse. The word "literally" has already literally been used five times. Blond says, "I would literally love to go on a date with no other people." Wouldn't you be alone then?
They are going to be taught how to dance by the most popular Korean band you never heard of, 21. Who will be the most awkward? Juan Pablo, hands down. Kat, the medical sales associate, is also a professional dancer. Chelsie's childhood dream is to be a back up dancer for a major pop group. Isn't that every girl's dream? To be a back up dancer? 21 informs them that they will be performing onstage in front of 70 million people. When is this pediatric nurse going to get her chance to do CPR on a baby and really show what she can do?
The girls are further humiliated by being forced to dress like four year olds and dance in a strip mall wearing cartoonish trucker hats and day-glo spandex leggings. Kat is pissing everyone off by making up her own choreography. If someone could please explain to me how this set up is helping him get to know them better, I'd appreciate it. I guess if you really think about it, he would want a partner who could teach his daughter how to K-Pop.
They always think they're deep when they ask questions like, What's your biggest fear? That's the job interview equivalent of asking what your biggest weaknesses are. All the girls are ganging up on the nurse, Nikki, for being negative. The psychiatric nurse thinks she's being catty and diagnoses her as having a DSMIV disorder of cattatoniajealousphobia. She slips three Haldol into her white wine spritzer. Nikki gets some time alone with JP and tells him she would be happy to change his diaper, it's all she ever wanted.
Sharleen, aka Theresa Russell, aka possibly the least interested in JP and most masculine of the women, gets a one on one date, but that girl who looks like that actress I can't place, doesn't think they have chemistry. Didn't she see them making out on the soccer field last time? Nikkie would absolutely accept this rose.
Luke just asked, "Is this show like the Hunger Games, except the last one standing has to get married?" EXACTLY.
Sharleen puts some powder on her nose for the first time in her life. They go to a fish market and are flummoxed by all the strange Korean food like tea and fish. Back at the ranch, the girls do their nails and try to out do each other with how high they can wear their top-knots. Sharleen has some junk in the trunk. So does JP. That makes her a better opera singer, because she can inhale from her bottom. Sharleen lies through her straight white teeth and tells JP that he is not bland, when she actually means the exact opposite. He asks her to sing and she responds as though he's requested that she flash him her ta-tas. She says she never sings on the first date or shows her breasts unless beads are involved. But because this show is mostly about forcing women to do stuff they would never do if they weren't on TV, she sings. And he interrupts. True class. When will he catch on that she thinks he's boring and wearing too much gel? When will he catch on that she's way smarter than him? Never. He's sweating again.
The other girls just don't see Sharleen as the mothering type, as she's too elegant. Sharleen struggles with whether or not to tell him the truth about how much she despises kids. He keeps smiling; hoping she will continue to lie to him. She qualifies everything with saying that she used to think she didn't want kids...She used to think that they were annoying germ magnets covered in grape jelly and snot...A week ago, she actually ran over a kid in her car, but luckily, the pediatric nurse was there. But that was in the past. He is sold. He gives her a rose. This will end in disaster, hopefully on the last night when she rejects him on a mountain top.
Group date #2: they're going to get krazy with a "k." Guess what that means? Karaoke. Seriously, is he trying to find a partner or put together a band? That was a brief sojourn--they must not have captured any interesting footage. Group photo. Group riding in swan boats. Group sushi bar? Oh, okay, this is the thing where they put their feet in the water and have the fish eat off the dead skin. That is disgusting. For the fish. Claire is going to be forced to eat a live octopus. What would be more interesting is if Claire or any of them had to get into a tank and face off against an octopus. Winner gets the rose. Kelly makes the best joke of the night, "It was a tiny piece of fish and she didn't want to eat it. Come on, I know she's had bigger things in her mouth before." I like Kelly, but she won't last because she's too interesting and not blond and not Sharleen.
Renee offers to kiss JP and he refuses. BAD sign. JP takes the women one by one to the gazebo and then he makes Andi, the DA, sit on the road with him. What? They are comfortably resting their heads against a cement curb. JP says his sense of humor is hard to get, maybe in part because he's not at all funny. They look at the stars and he tweaks her nose like she's five years old. They're covered by a blanket. Where are her hands? He won't kiss the girls, but he wouldn't refuse a little "ay-yi-yi!" This brown-haired girl does not stand a chance. She begs for a kiss and he says no. For some reason, they're standing next to a grand piano. She's off the show for sure.They don't even bother showing her name. She's crying by the elevator because he wouldn't kiss her. Just send her home. He crushes her to his chest and tells her to follow her heart. She must be drunk. She's a music composer, why is she here, she's too good for this show.
Clare is going to kiss him whether he likes it or not. She charmingly tells him that she threw up in her mouth when she tasted the octopus. He says, "That's good." He kisses her while she's still eating a graham cracker. What the hell? He says he couldn't help it and his daughter would want him to kiss her. He is a jerk. He will give the rose to Clare, oh--I'm wrong, he gives it to Andi. Another woman who's smarter than him.
Everyone's mad at Nikki for interrupting dates when she already has a rose. There is a lot of hair tossing in this show. Kelly likes to stir up trouble and that's why I like her. Clare says that in the end of the day, it's about what Juan Pablo wants. That's the whole problem of this show, in a nut shell. The women don't seem to choose anything. I don't know what kind of drama they're talking about. Nikki reminds Clare that she's not handing out the roses. Good point.
Ding, ding ding. He has said "ay-yi-yi" three times so far.
Rose ceremony. Ladies, please line up on the dais and keep smiling through your pain, but do it in such a way that it also looks like you might vomit on your sateen mini dress.
First rose: Renee, the real estate agent who wears off the shoulder stuff all the time.
Second rose: Chelsie. Blond.
Third rose: Kelly, yes, I like her. She's like Amy Adams.
Fourth rose: Danielle, okay.
Fifteenth rose: Cassandra. Lovely in yellow, but we haven't seen her hardly at all.
Twelfth rose: Allisson, with a dress that barely stays on.
13th: Clare. Why are there tribal drums going?
Last rose: Kat? Now there's like Western music.
Going home: The crier and the school teacher.
Try not to cry Elise, try to hold it together. She is shrugging. She's wearing a green toga. Oh, this is the woman whose mom is dead. She says that her mom wouldn't want her to be surrounded by such ugly people. Yep, she broke down. Do they like prod them to cry? Say things like, Do you think your dead mom feels bad for you? Lauren, the school teacher baby, does a little jump and she's being hard on herself for trying to kiss him, even though all of them do it. They always blame themselves.
JP recovers immediately. The girls titter. They are all so high at getting to stay for one more show. They are going to Vietnam. I know that some of them are going, What is this? On all the other shows they go to France and Spain. Next stop, Bangladesh!