Monday, January 20, 2014

Literarlly the Most Boring Bachelor Episode Ever

Dan told me today that Juan Pablo is in trouble for making a homophobic remark. I hope it was just a joke, or a mistranslation or him thinking he was actually saying that straight people are perverts, which I find more often to be the case.

In case I haven't said this before, two hours is too long for this show. At least half an hour is previews and replays, the other twenty minutes is scenic shots of whatever la-la land they're in. And now, it's looking like they are pretending to have the women bond--for example, the girl who looks like Jennifer Aniston if she had a broader face and this blond girl whose mother's dying wish be that she make it to the fourth episode of The Bachelor before being dismissed are pretending to care about each other. Is everyone on this show a hard core Christian? And by hard core Christian, I mean they wear crucifixes and talk about angels and God leading them and then always accept the fantasy suite card.

Every shirt JP wears is skin tight and shows the divet of his clavicle in the best possible light. Cassandra, the former NBA dancer, has "so many thoughts in her head right now."  Like? Maybe just give us one example. They are salsa dancing and really, her only thought is, I can't believe I wore these heels that are making me taller than him.  

Now all the girls are pretending to be thrilled that they're going on a crappy group date, probably to play soccer, while Elise, the first grade teacher who gets a one-on-one,  bites her lip in joy.

He's a sweat-er people. His forehead is glistening in the firelight as the girl shows him pictures of her son and he pretends to care. He asks if her son is in preschool yet and she goes, "He's two..." Blah, blah, blah, trying to say something profound about being parents. "We're here for a reason. We're here to meet some people and show off our dental work. I don't really have an accent at all, but in central casting, they told me I should mess up my grammar on purpose. no?" He gives her a rose and they kiss and she does some weird turn with her head, still feeling too tall, no doubt. They must tell him to put his hands on her face when they kiss--that's how ever single Bachelor kisses, with the hands enveloping the face, perhaps so that in the million previews they show, you won't be able to see who the woman is. 

Group date. Yawnily, they're going to play soccer.  He says that he gave up soccer when his daughter was born, but neglects to mention that he was too old to actually be on the team anymore. Sharleen, aka Theresa Russell wears her hair in braids. And they "literally" drive out onto the field. What's with people using the word "literally" all the time now? And wrong, often. I think this happened in the last season, "My heart was literally ripped out of my chest" is one I seem to remember. Alli, the nanny with the small chest (comparatively speaking), is so excited because she used to play soccer in fourth grade. He strolls out onto the field with an ad for herbal life emblazoned on his chest.

Back at the house, more boring female bonding. It's incredible how no one literally ever says anything interesting. Never.

Why do they women have to wear black stripes under their eyes like football players. I guess that's meant to make them more adorable. They are being forced to play against one another and jump up and down and pose and kick each other in the shins and faces. Sharleen gets a concussion, twice. She keeps catching the ball in her face. Foreshadowing for the fantasy suite? One of the team wins, but you know what, they're all winners!!!!!!

Group date one-on-one time.

He taps the pediatric nurse on the head and tells her that she has something that he likes, but he can't put his finger on it. He can put his finger on her temple, but not on one distinguishing feature about her. She has her fingers crossed that she didn't just say back to him exactly what he said to her. Which is what she did.

He makes out with the lawyer by what looks like a giant refrigerator.

Chelsie gets the single date with JP and the girl with the dead mother has to sit there with her shirt falling off her shoulder like she's not pissed as hell at her dead mom for orchestrating this better from heaven.

Sharleen the opera singer is now channeling Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct with the shortest dress I've ever seen. She asks him He kisses her with the hands on the face and her lipstick is so good, it doesn't even get on his face. The other girls happen to notice that they're making out, probably because they're sitting in the center of a brightly lit soccer field.

JP tells the girls that he feels so much at home with all of the girls surrounding him, just like in his soccer days. He gives the rose to the pediatric nurse and Sharleen clinks her wine glass at him with aggression.

Girls poolside. About the youngest girl, a girl who is older by about one year says, "She's literally like a baby." I did not make up that quote.

Chelsie is stuffing her face with a hamburger because she hasn't eaten in four days. Right after this, they're going to jump off a bridge. Tell me she is going to throw that burger up backwards onto Juan P's tight t-shirt. One can hope. They never do anything even remotely gross, like pooping their pants. Please, please, let that happen. I mean, what would they do? Replay the scene again and again until she stopped pooping? Would he gave a rose to a pooper? This is yet another example of how the women will do pretty much anything they're asked just because they're on TV. No way in hell she would do this if the weren't being taped. She's crying. Finally, acting like a human. You would have to push me off to get me to do that.  He says, "We can die together."
Twenty minutes later, he just pushes her. Now they are kissing upside down. She barely wet herself. Good job. She ruined it by saying, "You can't do that with just anyone. We just jumped off the bridge together. Literally." This shit writes itself.

One hour left, people. 

Date night and I like Chelsie for saying that she wants a job that makes her happy. What is a science educator anyway? I think she's high on endorphins. The rose sits like a dead pigeon in the center of the table. Of course he gives it to her. They have to do that after a one-on-one date.  She's pretty adorable. She rubs his back as aggressively as he rubs hers. Oh, dear, what washed up band is playing for their enjoyment now? They will have to tell us because we won't recognize them. Is this Billy Plankton? Is that what she just said? She's totally upstaging him. 

He is trying to prove he's a good cook and husband by making an omelet. The girls are nervous about appearing in front of him without make-up. Plus, they weren't planning on eating today or the day after or ever again unless they have to. The girls pretend to think everything he does is funny, even though he has yet to say one clever thing.

Why are there dogs in this show? I mean, I'm glad, I just don't know what the deal is. The girls are dying to show him their tits poolside. Why not just have one slightly overweight but super confident girl? Come on, that would be fun.

Pool party!! They're chicken fighting. Kelly observes that there are definitely girls on the show who like attention. Like, all of them? He gives the girl with the best boobs a rub down and everyone is irritated by it. Is Sharleen the first person in the whole history of the show to say that it's weird to have a camera in your face all the time? She's just not that into him. He's forcing her face into his armpit. Why is she crying? I can't understand what he's saying because his face is pressed into her shoulder. I hope she runs away. 

The girls are irritated by Juan P. hanging out with Sharleen. Dan has fallen in love with her as well and has said that she doesn't fit in with these "silly, Midwest white girls."

Keep the bathroom door open girls, so the cameras can capture you crying. Renee is also another mature one. Again, comparatively speaking.  Clare tries to explain how unnatural it is to be in this situation, but she's saying as if it's weird to have to articulate the obvious.

Chris arrives in a flannel shirt to get JP ready for the rose ceremony. Alli, the lawyer goes, "Who just joined the nervous train?" Sandra, Chelsie, and some other girl don't have anything to worry about. Kelly may have a lazy eye. Sharleen is dressed for an episode of Star Trek.

Rose ceremony:

First rose:  Andi, wearing a toga. They made out by the cooler. "Will you 'cept this rose?"
Second: Renee, mature real estate agent who can become best friends with him later when she's not picked.
Third: Kelly, she brought the dog. Is it a seeing eye dog?
Fourth: Sharleen. When will she say no.
Fifth: Elise, the teacher.
Sixth: Beth, the boob girl.
Twentieth: Allison. 
thirteenth: Clair, can't think who she reminds me of.
Fiftieth: Lauren. Who is she?
Last rose: "Ladies. Juan Pablo. This is the final rose tonight and then you bitches are out of here." ..................................Danielle. We barely saw any of her.

Going home: Free spirit and that blond lady. The blond will cry. Is she wearing spangly shorts? Free spirit is also wearing a too short dress in gold lame and you can see her belly button. Maybe now she might could get a job?

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