I noticed the other day that a lot of my repeating internal thoughts have to do with "what-ifs" and they're never happy scenarios. Like, I don't think, What if I get a phone call today from someone wanting to offer me $500,000 to write a book? Or, What if I they discover a new kind of frosting that tastes just like regular frosting but eating it on a graham cracker actually helps you lose weight?! No, all if my what-ifs center around disaster. Yesterday, for example, I was standing outside on the patio in the snow and it occurred to me that an icicle could melt and stab me in the face. To be more specific, I was looking up a the dripping icicles on twenty feet above me on the eaves and I thought, What if one pelts down right now and gets me in the eye? I didn't play that out because I got distracted, but if I'd had more time, I'm certain I would've contemplated what kind of life I might have with an eye patch. Would I still be considered pretty? Could I do my job? Would it in a backwards way give my life more meaning?
Then, the day before that, I was staring at the woods behind our house because I happened to see five deer run by the other morning, and I thought, What if I see a bunch of guys hunched over dragging what looks like a body bag? Would I call the police and report it or do nothing? What if they were hunters and it was just a deer carcass and I caused a ruckus for no reason? Or, what if I called the police and they couldn't find the body bag, but the bad guys knew I had turned them in and then they decided to hunt me down?
I do have semi-realistic fears too. When Dan was leaving last night to drive in the snow to Valley Forge, I thought, Okay, well, I should be nice to him and give him an extra long hug because there's no way he's not going to get into an accident and die on the side of the road. I think that most times he leaves for any extended amount of time or even when he goes down the road to get the mail.
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