I Sort of Love You and Would Like to Marry You on TV in an Amazing Way

Once again, I am tuning in only for the second hour, which really means I only missed 10 minutes of actual new programming and about 40-50 minutes of commerical breaks and recaps.

Here's what I've garnered so far. Vienna believes she loves Jake with all of her breasts. Yes, she was married once for three weeks to a friend of hers, and yes, she was sickened when she realized what a mistake she made, but mostly, she was upset because she disappointed her daddy. Said daddy had given her a promise ring, which she would like to give to the man she's going to marry. Does this mean she had to get it back from her ex-husband, or did she just never promise it in the first place? It's unclear. Vienna says she knows that she and Jake have this amazing chemistry, but do they have enough amaziness to last them a lifetime or at least a couple of months to milk as much publicity as possible out of this reality show before she ends up as the 3 AM d-jay for MTV 3?

She then shows Jake her true lovingness by given him...what is that? A huge joint in a box? Yes, a huge joint with her promise ring around it. She has just promised to get him totally high.

Up next: Tenley, another divorcee who is also an amazing woman and who loves him with all of her (smaller) breasts. Aside: both of these women talk in terrible baby voices. Jake says that he is on cloud-9 (see previous paragraph and read "stoned"). Jake explains that tomorrow, one of these amazing women will be his fiance and he just can't even make up his mind, because his date with Vienna was amazing. He really does say "amazing" in every sentence.  Both women like to lay on top of Jake with their legs draped over him. Jake tries to explain the difference between chemistry and lust. "they're different," he explains. "With Vienna, I just want to amazingly rip her clothes off, and with you...I just have this emotional connection that I can't explain..." (i.e. I think of you like my little sister).

Tenley is completely confused by Jake's confesssion that he doesn't really like her all that much. Jake says that he loves her totally curly ringlets, her pasted on smile, her fake honesty, her forced spirit, her huge eyeballs, but not, like, her as a whole package. Jake says that the emotional bond is so incredibly strong that it's pulling them through these awkward moments where he realizes that she's amazing, but only amazing as a friend. A friend with a baby voice. Tenley reads him his future from a fortune cookie and it says, "I am a girl with a heart of gold, but I would be a terrible spouse" (add: "in bed"). Cue romantic generic music and kissing noises as they lie plastered together in a forced embrace on the Holiday Inn floral bedspread (once again, I'm in the other room, not actually watching the show on screen except in these sneak peeks every five minutes). I don't think I'm missing anything.

We now get to watch Jake as he pretends to agonize over whether to buy the Princess ring or the non-Princess ring. Or the promise ring with a fat joint in the middle of it. Jake forces tears as he acts like he can't decide what to do. Tenley is so joyful and her hair is so curly, that she would make a totally amazing wife (for someone else). Vienna is so exciting and her Hooter boobs are so amazing, but Jake has now made his decision and he knows in his heart that he's made the right one. Both women have given Jake their respective hearts and are so scared that they will be rejected. Jake knows he has both women's hearts in his pants pocket and he doesn't know what to do with both of them; look, he's a pilot, not a transplant surgeon. Jake reads the script perfectly, "This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life previous to the other twenty really hardest decisions I've ever had to make in the life of this TV show." The words "heart" and "fairy tale" and "incredible journey" have now been said no less than 12 times. 

Whoops, sorry, missed the beginning of this rejection due to laundry. Jake is sobbing and telling Tenley that he just doesn't feel it for her, even though she's amazing and reminds him so much of his kid sister. Tenley takes it graciously, though she's crying so much, I can't really understand what she's saying. It sounds noble though. Noble, though in a baby voice. A noble baby voice. They embrace, multiple times, leaving snot trails on one another's shoulders as remembrances of good times gone bad. I'd rather have her as the next Bachelorette, but it'll be Ali. Tenley says that she thinks Jake made a mistake, but she's grateful that she has been able to feel again, even though what she feels totally sucks. In an amazingly sucky way.

For 31 years, Jake has dreamt of a moment like this (really? since he was born?). God, I wish Vienna would say no. Please let her say no and tell him that she is engaged to a fry cook at Hooters. Nope, she says, okay, let's give it a shot. End of this amazingly fake story.