London Calling:Wish I Were Referring to the Clash

It's that time again and many of you are not going to be happy about it. The new season of The Bachelor: London Calling has started with our fair Brit, Matt Grant. So far, every girl has huge tits and blond hair and a shiny, shiny tan face. Except for the three dark haired women who are all mom types. He is kissing every single one on each cheek. Omigod, this one girl just made smoochy noises when she kissed him and then almost licked his cheek. The rest look like they stuck their head out of the limo window on the way over because their hair is all over the goddamn place. Is that the way the kids are doing their hair these days?

Nice bangs.
One girl is a hot dog vendor, one worked for the Bush administration, one brought him a ball that matches her dress (as she pointed out), another asked him what country London is in, one is from Oklahoma, one just said, "Omigod, you are so cute! You are so fucking cute, I can't stand it!" (Several are from the South). Was every season this bad and I blocked it out? Julie pointed out over the phone that all of the brunettes have a Posh Spice bob and the PS fake breasts. The one black girl told him that she made her own dress, as if you couldn't tell that from the pins she forgot to take out. This will make America look even more stupid than it already does. All of the women seem like assholes. I can't stop swearing!

They are giving him a standing ovation and yipping, actually yipping as he walks into the room. I guarantee that 75% will get wasted and do something stupid and then cry when they have to leave. There is definitely a fire hazard in this home as all of the lighting is by candlelight. Some girl just said, "What IS a crumpet?" I wish he would say, "Let me take you into the jacuzzi and I'll show you my crumpet. We don't circumcise in London, ladies. It's flakey!"

The pressure mounts as he must choose the first impression rose. This girl is challenging him to arm wrestling. He's funny, he just said, "I only arm wrestle women. Pregnant women." He thinks she's really fun. I think a girl shouldn't show off her biceps on the first date. The Bush administration lady is talking about how the people in London are so much more political than stupid blonds. WHAT! This girl just bit into a can of Pabst beer to prove that she what?? Circumcise his jimmey with surgical precision? Now the mom of the house, the woman wearing a dress from the 1950s, is twirling her ass, not what a girl from the 50s would do. "I am a bit of a rock, paper, scissors person." Can't they think of something a little more interesting to say. Excuse me, the black woman is dressed like an Egyptian and has a diamond glued to her forehead. Oh, and Jewel is going to sing him the song she wrote. She brought her guitar and the way she is sitting on the chair, she is already showing her family jewels. Actual lyrics (sung like a cross between Jewel and Cher): "Pick me. Ohhh...My hands are small...I want the first impression rose because otherwise, I'm going to be homeless." Oh, Christ, they won't stop humiliating themselves. This girl is putting together her clarinet and talking about how the reed has to be wet in order to vibrate (I swear to God). She's playing "The White Cliffs of Dover!" (Not really. I wish). The rest of the sluts are gathering around to boo her.
Stacey, the girl in the blue sequin dress, is really drunk. Erin H., the event planner who thinks she's Ditta von Teese, just told the trashy girl to go get another tattoo (she has one on her back, what the girls are referring to as a "tramp stamp"). She's rubbing his leg while Ditta von Teese talks about her job as an event planner The slut just said, "I want to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one else has thought of." She really said that. "You guys are really boring me. I'm not going to lie." He asked her what she knows about London and what her ideal date would be and she said, "I'd like to be near the ocean." He said, "I like the ocean too, but there isn't one near London." Then he asked her what she knows about London and she said..."Uh...the fast car?" Okay, she put her white lace thong underwear in his pocket. He's holding them up to the camera and they have a small stain on them. The hot dog vendor now has a venereal disease from touching them too.

He's now talking to Shayne (?) who asked him if he liked her dress. She's an actress whose parents were both porno stars. Noelle, the photographer, has graphic dimples on her face and ringlets. She talks like a baby. They all talk like babies. She's telling him how she likes to play board games. Brilliant. Robin, one of the Posh Spice girls, is lucky because she spent a summer in London and also went to Oxford and France. She speaks French. I think I like her. She doesn't seem totally stupid, even though she keeps showing him her cleavage, but at least her boobs are real (you can tell because they're pretty small). He's giving out the rose. He wields all the power. Robin is going to get it. He likes her because she's very down to earth and she is the ideal woman that he would have sketched if he knew--oh, shit, I'm wrong. It's Amanda. Who is she? He told her that she just shined like a diamond. She accepted the rose. She's one of the older girls and she already thinks he's the one since she's known him for fifteen minutes ("I love you and would like to go on a second date..."). She is the girl who earlier had the hiccups. Now is the part I hate the most, not because of the suspense, but b/c of the lack of suspense. The twenty minutes of drawn out rose ceremony.

Who would I nominate for the next Bachelor? I don't really know that many totally hot single guys. Wait, I don't know any. I don't even have any totally hot male single acquaintances. Well, except for Ernesto, who is currently attempting to tip over this box of animal crackers. He is hot.

Okay, here we go. The first rose goes to...Chelsea. That's the girl in the red dress. She's okay. Second rose goes to...Shayne. She's the one who is a famous actress we've never heard of. Third: Michelle P. Of course. He wants to at least know if she is a true redhead. 4th: Myshona, the Nubian princess. 5th: Ashley. Oh, good, Jewel'll be along for another episode so she can play him yet another badly sung song. 6th: Noelle: that's the one with the dimples. He seems to like brunettes. I could grow to like that in him. 7th: Erin S. She's absolutely indistinguishable from Chelsea. 8th: Amy. Who? Well, you know what they say, once in love with Amy...9th: Carrie. Really? The girl who ate a beer can? And the final rose goes to...Christine. Um...Mermaid dress. I think she's really a man. Wait, that's not the final rose. Okay, 11th: Robin. She's about to cry. She's trying to make a connection. "You had me nervous, you limey bastard!" 12th: Kelly. She looks like she's about to tell him to fuck off. She's cute. She won't last. 13th: Holly. Holly's is an adorable little peppy girl whose boobs are almost, almost, almost but not quite popping out of her dress. Okay, now it's the final flipping rose. It'll be Ditta von Teese. Yep, I was right. The girl with the beehive hair is going to kill every single one of them. You should see the look on her face Mom and the underwear girl (who has sobered up) must say their goodbyes. Bye-bye, suckers! Congrats on your thirty-five seconds of fame.

That's it for now...Stay tuned and if you don't like the running commentary, just try to skip this entry every week. Well, and it's not unlikely that I'll miss a few episodes. You really only need to see the first and the last show. The rest is called "The Hardest Decision He's Ever Faced Yet, Except for the 500 Other Hardest Previous Decisions."


Anonymous said…
I don't watch the show, but boy do I love your write-ups!
Aimee said…
Omigosh, you should watch the show! Though it will cost you several IQ points...Fair warning. Thanks for reading.