Darn, Missed the First Scintilliating 8 minutes

Didn't realize that The Bachelor started at 9:30 and so I don't know what happened in the first little bit, except probably nothing. He is on a one on one date with Holly, the children's book author. She wears a dress that resembles a zebra hide and won't stop giving this fake Holly Hollywood smile. He is adorable still, but perhaps a little bit of a manwhore. I get the feeling that he's going to kiss every single woman on the show. Oh, awesome, a plug for a movie starring Patrick Dempsey and she's crying over it? Why are they completely reclined in their movie seats? They're supine.

I missed this beginning because I'm trying to get through a book for tomorrow night's class. We'll be discussing Seinfeld and Philosophy. I am getting snippets of Kierkegaard and Nietzsche and a bunch of other philosophers whose names I cannot spell and am too lazy to look up, despite having just read Nietzsche's implicit argument about how you might live your life differently if you knew you were going to have to repeat the same life, over and over and over again, each moment the same. I read that and in the back of my mind, I was thinking about how great it would be to take a break and have some strawberry frozen yogurt.

But enough of that thinking crap, back to The Bachelor. The one on one date has taken them to the romantic rooftop of JC Penney's. She's romantically drinking a beer. Does every British guy look like Hugh Grant? Because he does sort of resemble a less wrinkly HG. Okay, one second, why does the black girl have faux gold glued to her hair part? Shayne gets the one on one date. She is so profound. She just said, "If you want to get to know me, you have to get to know me." He's telling Holly that he finds her extremely attractive. He wonders if they feel too comfortable. He's sweating. He wonders if there's any electricity between the two of them. She worries because her feelings are in it now since she's been there for two days. They made a delivery to the girl house of the sidewalk with their hand prints on it from the movie premier. The girls are peeing on it. They are so mad. Okay, now Holly and what's his name are in their bathing suits in the tub full of suds. Oh, gross, he has a lot of chest hair. It's floating on the top of the water. He has given her the rose. Oh, he just slid her across the tub to him. That's hot. I don't know if he's a good kisser. They make too many noises when they kiss.

I hate Shayne so so so so so so much.

Interesting email conversation about poetry with a friend today. I haven't read any poetry in a long time but then reread e.e. cummings "i like my body when it is with your body" as a result, and I wish I could write like that (except I wouldn't use the little "i"). I've written a total of four poems in my life and yet......could brag about winning the Academy of American Poetry Prize or something like that when I was at Penn State. But of course, I won't bring that up. That would be immodest. "Again and again and again."

Next group date: rugby aka football aka girls in short shorts. They are doing warm up exercises. Ashlee has put black eye make up on her face like a NFL player. They are rolling around on the ground and sparring. Here's spazzy Robin. She talks super super fast like she's on speed. Amanda with the hiccups is still my favorite. Shayne is talking about she needs to tan. Holly is going to let her use her fake spray tanner. If I were her, I would make the tan so orange that looked radioactive. Okay, now they are going to play a game. Ashlee is the last one picked. She is wearing fake eyelashes. They all are putting in their mouth guards. Does anyone have any idea what this game requires except for running around and toppling over? Their pants are falling off. Uh-oh, the black girl got hit in the mouth and is now hyperventilating. She needs help because she's bleeding a teeny tiny bit. And the game continues and it is colossally boring because they keep screaming and high-fiving and Marshanna is stuck underneath his armpit.

Okay, I missed an entire date because I was trying to come up with the best move ever in Scrabblicious. I am winning. I just managed to spell both "queer" and "gay" in the last two moves. Brilliant! Padhraig spells words you never heard of like "fraps." What the hell is that? A Starbucks coffee muffin combo? I don't think anything much happened anyway except some girl told him she likes it hard (the massage. Vulgar, vulgar girls).

I hope this date with Shainniie goes badly. She's wearing snow boots and a black dress and sunglasses. She sucks so bad. She has very little emotion in her voice and she looks at herself in the rear view mirror every five seconds in the car and she can't even do a British accent. Take those sunglasses off your head. She doesn't listen well. She can't listen. She's too distracted by the cameras everywhere, looking right at HER. Oh, her dad is Lorenzo Llama. WTF cares? That's the big reveal?? Her dad was on the show Renegade. He hasn't heard of him. She explains, Well, he's a really big name in America. Among whom? Her family? I just told Julie that he's like a guy who was on the Love Boat as a recurring character but not a real cast member. Danny looked her up and found out that she has been on General Hospital eighteen times. That's it. I have more hits on IMDB than she does. I will concede that I like that she isn't one of those girls who pretends like she likes him for no reason. Oh, dear, though she says "sawl" instead of "saw." Their date includes a gigantic bed on the floor in front of a fireplace. She said that her top five favorite things are shoes, watches, sunglasses, purses and herself. Those are her top five. He's holding her like she's a baby. I'm serious. He's cradling her. He really just wants to make out with her. He just thinks she's hot. He just said, "She has cast a spell on me." It's your penis. She has cast a spell on your penis. God, men suck sometimes. They are so predictable!

Last time to mingle with the girls before he has to kick three of them off. I wish they wouldn't scream every time he walks in. They are all kissing him on the mouth. Who is this Kristine person? Where did she come from? What's up with this girl Chelsea who has her boobs hanging out? She just forced herself on him. This girl with the dimples and the fake eyelashes is saying how she's one of the few girls who is, like, real, you know? Okay, Robin is going in to steal him away from what's her face. She still sounds like she's on speed. She wants him to kiss her, but instead, she is getting interrupted too. Robin is a bit driven. She has a rose. The other girls are ganging up on her. I don't like this girl Holly. She seems fake. She has a rose too and she has a single tear running down her face. He's a liar. He's telling every girl that he missed her and thought about her, but that cannot possibly be true...I will be so sad if he sends Amanda home (that's hiccup girl). I think he's going to send Jewel and Chelsea home and maybe Amy.

The Rose Ceremony: Holly, Shayne, and Robin are safe. The rest are in trouble. And three will be going home. Jewel has to know she's out.

First rose: Amanda!!!!!!! Thank GOD. I wonder when she will hiccup in front of him.
Second: Ashley. You're serious? Everyone hates Ashley.
Third: Kelly. That's Cameron Diaz.
Fourth: Chelsea. Really? I am so wrong this week.
Fifth: Noelle. That's the girl with the dimples. She thought she was going home.
Sixth and final rose: It'll be the black girl. Maraschino Cherry. I was correct.

Going home: Amy, and the tough looking girl Erin, the hot dog vendor. At least she's not crying. Amy didn't cry either. She's a nanny. Oh, whoops, she is crying and laughing at the same time. This older woman, Kristine, she is the oldest, she's 32, she looks like a grandma. I am not being ageist. At least no one is talking about their cats like that red head from last week. Will Marshanna please stop putting herself under his armpit?

Next week: Everyone hates Robin. He goes on a one on one date with the girl with the dimples or is that Amanda? They look a lot alike, honestly. Okay, that's it for now. Apologies to all of you who hate this portion of my blogging. BUT IT WILL NOT END UNTIL THE BACHELOR FALLS IN LOVE WITH ME.

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