Back Again and Worse Than Ever
Here we go, bitches...The Bachelor does have a perpetually rosy bloom to his cheeks and that lovely accent and the pretty boy lips. It looks like they're going to Vegas and stripping. Chris arrives dressed in a striped shirt that looks like a pajama top. It's also two sizes two big for him. Two roses up for grabs on these dates! Ladies...The date box has arrived. I think the host, Chris, has lost twenty-five pounds. He must not have liked his look in the latest issue of People magazine before the new show started filming.
The first group has to go the runway for a fashion show. I believe it's eight girls/twits and him. Jewel is drinking champagne and wondering when she's going to get to play her guitar for him. Erin H. is both excited and mortified to be able to strip for him (that's Ditta von Teese). This is stupid. This is how he says he's judging. "It's not about who is the hottest, who is the best model, but who really goes for it." That's what he just said. LIAR. Please, please, let someone fall down. They all have to wear short shorts. Kristine's hair looks like she did just jump out of an airplane. One girl moonwalked down the runway. Good, she's trying to stand out. Okay, but she did it too many times. One girl took her shirt off to reveal a gold lame bra. Real boobs, you guys. God, I would so fail at this. I can't walk in heels. I can't wear shorts. I certainly can't walk in heels and shorts. Michelle the redhead looks like a small man in drag. Oh, crap, she's going to sing too. Oh, dear, she thought this was American Idol and not London Idol. What a stupid date. Well, at least they get to go to a penthouse overlooking Hollywood. They're doing shots of champagne? They are all fake laughing. Moshawyn appears to have made this second dress that she's wearing. It's a gold sheet with a black Velcro strap over just one shoulder. He picked her because she has a glow over her and because she has a certain glow to her skin (he said that). Oh, crap, the redhead in drag. False eyelashes and false curls and one of the eyelashes appear to be falling off. Her face is way, way, way overdone. SHIT, she thinks she's in a Disney movie! She thinks she's Arabella or whoever the little mermaid is. Ariel? Here is the song she wrote (no lie): "I want to touch you, I want you to touch me. I want you to find me, and I want me to find you. I want to feel you and I want you to feel me. (This is horrid). I want to find you in (drawn out) front of me. With your penis out." Jewel has pretty hair and a cute laugh and her right boob is about to fall out. He's rubbing her knee. OMIGOD. He kissed her. They are kissing. She's cute. She said, "Matt's kiss was perfect. It was soft and..." Then he just left her and oh, he's giving her the first rose. She's giggling like Jewel as a schoolgirl, and they kissed again. HAHAHA to the rest of them. Wait. Now, she's being an asshole and waving the rose around and saying, "I got the rose, I got the rose, I got the rose." I liked her for about four seconds and now I don't like her because she's obnoxious and being a jerk and the black girl is having none of it.
(As an aside, I overheard two little girls playing UNO in the library today. One girl played her card and the other girl goes, "Tssk...You ugly." There's also a sign in the library that says, No cell phones, no ipods, no candy and no sunflower seeds).
Date two: Seven beautiful women in Las Vegas. How do these girls pack for this trip? Shayne, the porn actress who I believe is going to drop out of the show because he's not noticing her enough, thinks she really feels a connection. One of these girls looks like Cameron Diaz. Uh, I think he's wondering why he chose this woman in the multicolored shiny top. Everyone keeps saying, "Vegas, baby!" Robin is going to have a nervous breakdown in her green chiffon flowing dress. She's confessing that she can't gamble. This other girl has this horrible hair with way too much mousse in it. Cameron Diaz won the most chips. Her purse is ten times bigger than her baby doll dress. It's too bad that she hasn't done anything with her hair. She's quite drunk. And she just said to him, "I know, we have to go see all the other bitches now." The actress is saying to him, "Look at me, would I really be doing this in real life. Do you think that I am in a person who is waiting in the wings?" Everyone is in that position, he said. He sees that she's being bratty because doesn’t he realize who she is? Who her parents are? How many movies she hasn't made. He's pulling Chelsea aside she's saying that she loves to do things, and she does great things and it's hard to share them without nobody but yourself. I'm lonely. She just said. He's lying to her again. It's a two-way thing. It totally is. I'll warn you, I'm stubborn. He just got up and said, Okay, forget it. she's an idiot and her hair is terrible. Shut up Shayne, we understand that you were the girl on the beach in an Adam Sandler movie two years ago. Bye the way, stop chewing your gum so much. Okay, Robin is sitting on his lap while she attempts to play the piano. She is a hard ass. She has this horrible look on her face when she's talking to him one on one. This girl with the bad hair asks him what he's looking for in a partner. They all talk stupidly. This girl in the boots, the hot dog vendor, just kissed his fingers. Oh, God, why is he giving the rose to Chelsea, is it because of her cleavage? I can't stop talking about their chests because that's all I can see. Shayne is crying in the bathroom. Maybe she should stop chewing gum and wearing that scarf in the middle of summer. He gives the second rose to the girl with the bad hair. He thinks Chelsea is beautiful and uh...that's it, he said, but then why is he kissing Robin and why am I watching this show? Where is the girl I liked last week?
The cocktail party: Someone long ago once told Robin that she looks adorable when she sticks her tongue out when she laughs because she won't stop doing it. Oh, God, Marshanna is now wearing a mink blanket and a dress that she might have also made, actually, it's a very pretty grey dress. She's dancing with him on the patio and pressing her hips against him. He won't kiss her because all of the girls are staring at them through the window. He is a true Brit gent. Shayne is wearing a bow that is bigger than her brain. Oh, dear, Jesus, this girl is going to sing opera. She's going to sing. I am dying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's singing Summer Time, opera-style. And it makes her face completely twitchy. He has to sit there with this stiff smile on his face. He is talking to the huge bow...He is saying that he understands that she is an actor and that her family is full of actors. What he means to say is that she seems to be on the show because she wants to get another bit part. Why does the black girl have to dance like a black girl all up in his lap? And someone else is doing the pony. Terrible. I think he still likes the girl who gets the hiccups. I like her too. He really is totally hot.
The Second Rose Ceremony: How many seconds until Chris says that he will be making the toughest decision of his life? That one girl just hiccupped. She will win. Everyone else sucks. Ten roses and only nine girls! Wait...No, two of the girls are safe and ten will get to roses and three can go suck it. First rose goes to: Robin because she played the same song on the piano that Julie told me she learned in fifth grade lessons. Second: Holly: perky blond. Third rose: Erin S. She sounds like she smokes. Fourth: Amanda, will you accept this rose? 5th: Kim: That's Cameron Diaz. She's fun, but not that fun. 6th: Amy: Why? Bad roots. 7: Christine: Another no descript blonde. 8: Marshanna. She can't wait to make his tuxedo for the wedding. 9: Noelle. Shy girl. Haven't heard anything from her. She has done nothing obnoxious. 10: LAST ROSE!!!!!! My prediction is Ditta again. Ditto Ditta. Not the redhead. Omigod, he picked Shayne. WTF? "She says that he's killing her, he's killing her." It's the line she had in the Adam Sandler film.
Going home: opera singer (she's in church marketing), Ditta, and the redhead with her eyelashes falling off. Don't sing, that's the real lesson. She's going to go back and see her cat and hear her purr. She said that. Thanks for making all single girls look pathetic.