"On the Wings of Love" as played on a synthesizer

Vienna has never been in love before--heck fire, she's only fourteen! But Jake thinks she's a whole lot of fun and he just likes it that she can act like a total immature idiot, which brings the immature idiot out in him and together, they can have completely inane conversations and pick each other up and throw each other down and neither one knows what in the world is going on! Vienna reminds Jake a lot of himself, when himself was a boy and he's never been in love with someone so much like that teenage boy he remembers and wants to fall in love with (wait, he wants to fall in love with a teenage boy)? They are so comfortable around each other they can just act like assholes and not even notice it. He loves that shitty little tattoo of a mermaid she got put on her hip at Hot Topic for just $24.99, and he loves that they can roll around in the sand together like two young dogs in heat.

Aside: Didn't see all of the previous date with Tenley, only got a smidgen of her talking in this little girl baby voice that could drive one mad.

You know what one of Jake's favorite words is? AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! Jake wants to make sure that he is more attracted to her heart than her tits. Vienna wants more than just a husband, she wants someone who will be codependent with her and be everything in her life. She loves her family more than anything, but when she gets married, her husband will  beTHE most important thing in her entire life and she'll never think about her family again; that is, if it's okay with her daddy and grandaddy if she marries Jake forever and ever. Let's turn the clock back, F feminism, get married!

I don't think the crickets could be any louder.

She's looking a lot like Darryl Hannah in Splash.

Vienna tells Jake she cannot imagine going back to Florida without him. Does anyone not find this ridiculous? She confesses that she's fallen in love with him or with someone very like him, someone who would become her husband, as this seems to be the only criteria. Guess what, in the real world, if you told a guy that you'd been on four dates with (three of which where with ten other girls) that you loved him, he would not say, "I love that you said that." Unless it was followed by..."Because I am shipping out tomorrow." Omigosh, Vienna can read! She's reading the date card and opening her eyes as wide as possible.

Jake tells Vienna that she looks amazing and smokey and sexy in her white lingerie. He takes her over to the bed covered in rose petals and illuminated by candles. Hopefully, the candles will catch the rose petals on fire. He says again that she's amazing and that he is so crazy about her...Fade to...

Next up, fake phone call from Ali. I have to stop watching this! I have to! It's an insult to women, tweens, teens, men, girls, boys, kids, dogs, cats--any sentinent creature you could name.

Jake tells cheesy Chris that he has fallen in love with all of these women. ALL of them. He has such a good time with all of these women, ALL OF THEM. But not Ali. Ali can go f herself. Now we get seven minutes of recapping what we have already seen in the first part of the show. Gia is just so beautiful and fake, that he can't believe how much he finds her to be amazing and how much he is in love with her for a reason he can't fathom, except that's what he was told to say by the producers. He is falling in love with Tenley too though and she brings so much joy and positive energy to every single goddamn conversation. Vienna is just always herself and that puts Jake at ease, even when she's forcing him to wear a pirate patch or wrapping her legs around him like a sucker fish. Jake is just so confused as he looks at their head shots, that he barely knows what bland expression to wear.

Jake has taken his relationship with all three women to another level this week (had sex with all of them in their fantasy suites)? Tenley's tape: I can't believe I feel lin love with you after all the heartbreak in my life and she looks forward to a future of exploring new adventures and having babies with him and she loves all of their baby kisses, because when he kisses her, she feels adored and when they dance together, she believes that she could have the fairy tale ending that she's never had before because she was jilted. Gia's tape: She finds him to be incredible and she has an amazing time with him, and she thinks he's a really great guy and she can honestly say that she's falling in love with ihm and she really hopes that they have more time to grow with each other and she never wants to let him go. Vienna's tape: Hi, sweetheart! She explains that she just dyed her hair with an entire bottle of perioxide and she hopes he notices and doesn't stumble and fall from the glare off her hair and chip a tooth on his way to giving her a rose and babies in the future.

Commercial break #2445.

I guarantee that Gia is going home. Right? She is not America's sweetheart (well, neither is Vienna, but whatever). We know that Vienna stays, even as she stands on the shoreline sending bullets of hate toward the other girls and Gia sways back and forth like a litle girl. Jake wants to vomit. He is eing made to make this decision. God, Vienna looks like a man. gia is still smiling and rocking back and forth, yet also biting her lips together. She hugs Vienna, even though she hates her. What will Jake say? He says, "That was not easy and he thinks she is absolutely amazing. She is such an amazing girl." She laughs and snot is running down her nose. She can't stop giggling in this weird way. He says that he found some really great girls. Jake's heart was broken from making her cry. Gia is crying in the limo and saying it's hard for her to move on from all of her heart breaks. The Jeep stalls and they pan away.

Next week, we don't have to watch because it's the Tell-All and it's totally stupid. Jake sees his future with both of the women and he wishes that he could marry both of them, even Vienna, who's dressed in a red gown like she's about to go to prom. That's it. Let's never watch it again, k?