Joy and Life and Dancing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The title refers to what the baby-voiced Tenley can bring to a household. and you know what TenLee would say about that? She would say, "Aw, tank you, daddy! Tank you for not being like my big bad ex-husband who weally didn't understand me or appreciate my pirouettes at all!" Of course, to be fair, this show is heavily edited and so they have to put labels on every one of the contestants/actresses/automotons, and her label is, Can't Get Over My Ex. The worst thing I've seen in this second half is Tinlee dancing solo for Jake in a leotard. I wish they would've played, "On the Wings of Love!" along with it. Her ex husband never admired her dancing and he also didn't get her hair-dos or her polka-dotted rainboots. Dad would give his blessing to Jake if he would just take his daughter off his hands, for the love of God, please marry her!!! What century are we in where the dad has to give his say-so and tells this guy he's known for ten minutes that it's okay for him to wed his off-spring for all eternity?

We already know he ends up with Vienna Cookie, so what's the point?

Next up: Vienna. She's a Florida girl, like, duh, no kidding. I grew up surrounded by Florida girls and they seriously all look like her. Jake says, There's just something so natural about Vienna (as he's spinning her around near a pond and her periodxided hair is flailing out in all different unnatural directions). Oops, looks like Vienna has been married too, and divorced and she's 23 years old. Jake notices that Vienna really puts her dad on a pedastal and so he's nervous about whether he'll have to wrastle an alligator to prove his devotion to her and her teeny-tiny light denim shorts. Aww, Vienna's dad has Mr. Magoo glasses. He's fumbling around trying to find a Ritz cracker and accidentally eats one of the dog's biscuits. How long has it been since she's been home, like twenty years? Her dad's acting like he hasn't seen her since she was knee high to a Seminole papoose. Daddy expects his little girl to be treated like a princess and how do Jake feel about this here? Jake says he will try to treat her like a Princess or at least third runner up in the Miss Orange Bowl competition. Is it my imagination or is Jake's Texas accent getting thicker around these faux panhandle Southerners?

Fake drama as what's-her-face (Ali?) tells Jake that she has to choose between him and keeping her job. Like, wouldn't she have asked her work about this before she left? Jake doesn't know what to say. He decides to tell her that she has to weigh which would be her bigger regret--choosing him or her job at Burger King. He can't guarantee that he'll put a ring on her finger and he can't guarantee that he won't. Depends on what's better for the ratings. Cue the slow music. Wish Tenley were in the background doing her interpretative dance of this very moment.

Rose ceremony: Jake expresses that he has come to the show to find love, but he also feels that it is not in his power to tell Ali what to do. Cue commerical. I swear, 50% of this show is ads. Jake must go into the room with the head shots and decide who he likes. Music swells again. Chris will give Jake a few minutes to talk to the women or to...I don't know, roll dice?  Jake has a moment with drunk Ali. They have to put her dialogue in text so we can understand what she's saying. Jake says that he doesn't want her to go. He asks her what she is feeling. She says that her, like, feelings, have like, like, really progressed, and she's never felt like she's met anyone who wasn't deserving of her love (huh?). Jake says that if she is falling in love with him, that she should stay. She says that she loves him and then we see a camera shot of her panties. She will leave and perhaps come back in the last episode, where he will dramatically reject her and Tenley will appear above them in a tutu.

Everyone is crying, even Chris. Ali says that she will have to leave and that she is so, so sorry. Close up on Jake, who seems to be crying real tears or else something just got in his eye. Jake ever so slowly walks Ali to the limo. He says that he feels like she is slipping through his fingers and he doesn't know how to stop her. Sobs all around. Seven minutes left in the show, yet it seems like an eternity. Ali says that she's sorry again, but if she doesn't show up to work, who will make sure that the fries are properly crisped? She doesn't know if she made the right choice.

Jake says it hurts like crazy that Ali left and he's trying to find his inner strength and he is going to try to contact his inner Jake to figure this out and that he hopes that his inside Jake will accept his collect call. His heart is just going to stick it out for as long as he can stand it. He has three AMAZING women and he is going to see what happens on the Aleutian Islands, or wherever they're going. Siberia?

Meanwhile, Ali regrets her decision five seconds later and can't believe she won't get to go to the Aleutian Island and see the sled dogs.

Coming up next week...The women get to meet with Jake on the beach and Jake has to figure out which of the three women are most likely to cause him to make the hardest decision he has ever had to make on this incredible, amazing, fucking awesome journey.