The Bachelor Has Found 145 Meaningful Connections

Have missed a lot of the first 45 minutes--but in just turning it on for two seconds, I've already seen two women cry, Jake say, "This is so difficult," and "We have a connection," and the crazy girl explain how she wants a gran-baby to give to her momma. But she's not desperate, she adds. They are all here to find true love, and fall in love, and make love, and be lovely, and be around love, and love ya like a rock. They are obsessed with the roses.

Why is Michelle so angry and why does she have tears in her eyes at every second? The Christian girl just took her on. She is crying about not being able to give birth to a grand kid right away. Elizabeth believes Michelle needs a therapist more than she needs a nanny or a husband. Michelle is explaining that she is honestly, 100% here for love, whereas the other women...And she just really, really, really, really wants a husband. She is crying in front of Jake, her nose getting redder. She needs to know if he is feeling the same way she is. She is crying and snot is running down onto her upper lip and she wants to know if she feels anything for him by giving him a kiss. He agrees with a slightly digusting look on his face. They kiss. He disengages with a string of her snot stuck to his cheek. He is rolling his eyes. She will be gone soon. He says that he is almost ready for this night to be over. Michelle understands and she would like to tell him that she can't stay. Because she she is too emotional. It hurts her that she can't really kiss him in the way that she wants to--which is that she wants him to kiss her in a way that will automatically give her a grand baby. He tells her that she should leave and she can't believe that he's kicking her off! Even though she asked to be kicked off, she says that she had no clue this was going to happen. She wanted to kiss him in a real way and he couldn't do it, even though she had snot running down her face and was crying and even though the shift from crying to kissing was ridiculous. Jake says that he feels he has made the right decision. Good job, Jake. She will be back at some point in another episode.

Jake is too upset to give a rose out and he would like to "thank you guys for being here tonight." Guys, thanks.

Viena broke down for some reason. Now he's taking Ella on a date to see some kind of animals. Ella has the best fake Southern accent. She also has an unfortunately giant zit on her face. The big surprise is that Jake brought her son to the park. She is covering her entire face with her son, because she is so upset that this little brat is going to ruin the rest of their fucking date!!! They are all in wet suits and Jake is also trying to be a dad by helping Ethan zipper up his jacket. Ethan seems a little bit psychotic. He wants to covder the penguins in snow and beat them to death!! Aw, mom is so proud of her li'l baby.

Final rose ceremony: Ella and somebody else are safe because they already have roses. Elizabeth is going to ask him a really hard question. Are you good at back rubs? Oh, okay, she is a tease. She's the Queen of Mixed Signals--she's touching his tie and curling up on the couch with her panties off. He says that she's really confusing. She does want to kiss him,  but the reason it's hard is b/c she does have a jealous side. Not sure what that means. He wants to know if it's a not kissing thing b/c of a spiritual belief or what. Now, she's giving him a hard time. And she doesn't make any sense. I guess she was flirting with him while they were at the fireworks. She is playing games. She's wearing a low cut dress.

She is now lying to the other girls by saying that what happened is that he wanted her to kiss him, but she refused. She is confused about what's confusing about her being confusing, you know? Omigod, she is going to kill Deanna.

Deanna has these weird puppy dog eyes and she just kissed him in mid-sentence and her teeth could not be larger or in more of a perfect line. She believes that Jake is perfect, he is absolutely perfect, perfect for her, but not for the other girls. (Dan would like to note that when Elizabeth says that she is "not just vanilla, but all colors of the rainbow," that vanilla isn't actually a color in the rainbow). Uh-oh, cat fight. Elizabeth is pretending that Jake has been pressuring her to give him a kiss when he didn't even ask for it. Elizabeth is not just some fish in a pond waiting for a hook--she is...She is, a, she is...A pond in an ocean that will be part of a continent that is bigger than the universe.

Connection, connection, connection.

Yes, he and Elizabeth are already in a fight even though they haven't gotten to know each other at all. He thinks that Elizabeth is scared and felt like if she controlled the situation, it would be less painful. Omigod, an actual insight on this show.

Roses given to:
Somebody
Corey in glitter
Kenelly, named after a vacuum cleaner
Alli, with the bikini straps
Kathy?
Katherine, with a cute flat face
Last rose goes to...............................................They are smiling with tears in their eyes.
Ashley, Omigod, thank god, Ashley is hyper ventilating

Going home: Elizabeth, someone who is whispering--uh, Valishia. Made up name. Pull up that dress. She's used to things not going her way, and she's used to smiling through her tears and it's something she's learned to live with. Gee, why didn't he pick her.

Elizabeth is still flirting with him and giving him a great big hug. She is a phony. she is upset b/c she felt like ther was a connection. She has a feeling like she knows what kind of man he is, it hurt her feelings, but she's still smiling. She just doesn't know. She will have to go pray on it.

Next week: Everybody thinks that everybody hates everyone and two of them aren't going to be allowed to stay. Can't wait!