"Come Find Me Inside"

That is what Jake has said to every single Bachelorette that he's met in this brand new, yet seems so familiar episode of The Bachelor. I missed the first hour, but I don't think it matters, because they all seem to do the same thing, except now they have gimmicks like bringing jelly beans or pretending to trip or bringing him aviator sunglasses or fake-speaking Vietnamese or coming at him like she's flying an airplane or wearing a dress the size of a napkin. Also, the girl who says that she is there to win. How much longer can this show go on? Dumb girl with the raspy cheerleader voice just fake tripped and ripped her dress. Oh, his three priorities are "dogs, fumbling, and flames." Or he may have said,  "God, fambly, and friends." The Asian girl said, "Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip any time." Like he's never heard that before. Hey, here's an idea, don't wear your hair in a side pony tail past the age of 14 or the year 1982. He is going to be so confused because 10 of the 25 girls are named Ashley. One girl brought a flight attendant outfit and wore it to get his attention. It's all T and A, ya'll. This woman in the red dress has brought out a football and is throwing it to him, and he almost dropped it. God, please let him break the nanny's nose. Girls scream too much. They are chasing him across the concrete trying not (?) to let their boobs fall out of their ball gowns.

This blond girl is on crack cocaine. She is making him feel her up and kiss her ankle. This brown haired girl is about to cry because she's sure that he won't pick her since he has never even looked at her once. The other flight attendant is a total kook--wears a fake engagement ring around that she just gave to him. Hi, I know we just met, but I want you to have my grand mommie's diamond 20 karat ring that I pried off her dead fingers when no one was near the coffin, ya'll. Another girl in a tiny dress is teaching hm how to dance the cha-cha. Michelle, the basket case, has given up everything to come to meet Jake. Everything! Like, an entire days vacation. (Dan is now doing push-ups. Not sure why. From Dan: I'm training to be on The Bachelor). Oh, hey, Jillian and Ed are making a cameo appearance. Jillian looks like she just got off the stage in Las Vegas. Side note to Ed: Enough with the hair gel. Why do they get to come back and why does Jillian get to ask what kind of animal she would be in a bedroom? Christina is asking him to lie on the round so she can do airplane with him. Please, fart, please fart.  She says she's getting aroused from having his feet on her abdomen while being up in the air. Red dress is a very spiritual person and crazy psycho girl is giving a soliloquy--does not seem to realize that she's one camera. Tenley (fake name) has a gimmick too! She has written down a few things about herself on a card. There are only 10 things to remember, so why can't she just remember them. She just kissed him and he was smiling in the middle of it. She calls herself a cuddlebug.Now she's confessing to the camera that she's only been with one man and so she's not sure that she can get over her ex-husband and she is crying. How long have they even been around---like 15 minutes?

The first rose also goes to Tenley, the biggest SLUT on the show. Who has only been with one man before. How can there possibly be an hour and a half left on this program? Michelle tells Jake that she has so much to give to someone that she can't believe it and she knows he can see it in her eyes, which are filled with tears. This may be the first Bachelor that we've ever seen who is completely Jesus-y.

We missed the most important rose ceremony ever because we were making our own spoof videos. I think all of the Ashley's got a rose, but I'm not sure. Omigosh, Michelle the crazy girl, got the last rose. She also kissed the rose. All the other girls have to go get on the bus now. That was their 15 seconds of reality TV fame. Hopefully, no one will cry--oh, girl with the gaped tooth cried. It hurts so much for her. Kimberely is shocked too. And crying. I don't like Jake. he seems totally boring.

Oh, okay, we don't have to watch the rest of this--the next hour is previews of the following season. Welcome back.