The Bachelor Man Cometh

Last week on The Bachelor: This girl was a bitch, that other girl cried almost real tears, Shannon blew her nose in a napkin and begged for him to keep her so she won't go home and make out with her dog, some girls got roses, others were tough nuts, Nikki's eyes popped out of her head, she went home, groomless and broken hearted, even though she does everything right! And don't forget how Jason broke all the rules at the rose ceremony by sending three bitches home.

Tonight: More TY!!! Lots of Ty. Ty at every turn. How unexciting. All the girls get to go his hometown, Seattle, a bunch of them get to be in a helicopter and later, Jason has some unanswered questions for Jillian and guess what, It's the most intense rose ceremony ever and Jason cries. I wonder if he will take his shirt off at any point?

Time: 8:05 for Christ's sake.

Chris Harrison has given up his Urban Outfitters shirt for a more grown up button up oxford. He explains there will be no roses given out on any of these dates and all the gals will be leaving the house to go to Seattle. Cue the girls screaming. Melissa is so excited! I am wondering if her teeth were always this large or if I'm just now noticing it. Jillian is already dressed like a lumberjack in red and black flannel.

Look, there's Ty and Jason's ex wife (I wish--it's the sister-in-law). Big hug from daddy! He kisses his son on the mouth with only a little bit of tongue. Please tell me that Jason doesn't live on a houseboat. The girls must realize they are dating both Jason and Ty as a whole package, so they better brush up on their Sponge Bob. Jillian leaps out of the limo and hugs him. The girls are being put up in a very nice Holiday Inn. All of them are wearing hats or sunglasses. Why is there a piano in hotel room? So they can make tips? Melissa gets the first date and she's really excited except we all know from the endless previews that she will be stood up for the son. Reality check, gals. Naomi is pissed because she doesn't get the first one on one date and she's irritated as I am by the fact that Melissa keeps dancing for joy. Naomi pronounces important like this: "im-poor-tent."

Cut to Jason and his son and daddy saying that he's going out over and over, freaking his kid out. "Is it okay if Daddy goes out? Daddy is going to go out and (side note, he just took his shirt off) is going to leave you alone with the babysitter you don't like, okay Ty? I know I've been gone for weeks, but I'm going to go away again and I don't think I'll be back. I might never see you again, you understand that right, Ty?" Ty is whining and pouting and Jason suddenly realizes that it's selfish of him to go on a date. A bit of advice for the dating dad: don't ask you three year old if it's okay if you go out. Melissa fears she's being stood up. He refers to himself as "Jay." He wonders if she would mind just coming over and hanging out. Should he really be introducing his son to this woman? Now the girls are jealous that she gets to meet Ty. In fact, Jillian explains that she is 100% jealous.

Six hours later. Melissa is still waiting for Ty in her booby black dress. She pours herself a glass of wine. I would've had the whole bottle by now. Her nipple is almost ready to pop out. She's absolutely thrilled to be there!!! She's pretending that she thinks Ty is so cute!! JAY demonstrates how Ty hugged him when he returned home by hugging Melissa too (whom he calls "Mel") and feeling her up a little (just like he did with Ty).

Back at the house, the girls are saying they're at an emotional low because Melissa got to see Ty asleep in his car bed. Aside: I wonder again how the ex-wife feels about this? Wouldn't you be a little pissed? Wouldn't you like maybe show up unexpectedly with bad photos of your ex? Or videos even?

Mel and Jay are eating ice cream and J is asking her about her family in Dallas. Melissa confesses that she's kind of the black sheep of the family because she is a wild spirit and wears short stretchy shorts. He can't stop feeling her up. She's telling him how she loves to watch sporting events and just hanging out and breast-feeding. Hands on her face as he kisses her. More advice: Don't try talking to someone in the middle of kissing her. Cause then you sound like, "Ish it... (smooch, lick) okay, ifsh I meet your...(slurp) fambly?

Date card arrives for Stephanie, Jillian, and Molly (meaning Naomi gets the one-on-one date). "Open your heart because love is 'on the air'..." Cryptic, except we know that they're going to go with Jason while he's on a talk radio show, so it's really not a surprise. Lots and lots of boats in Seattle. Jay can't wait to show the girls the best of Seattle. Again "girls." The girls are all talking really fast and exclaiming about the houseboats and trying to snuggle up to Jason en masse.

Stephanie's eyebrows are still out of control and she's wearing a faux white rabbit vest and diamond earrings and a huge ring on every single finger. She gets to steer the boat and they don't need any lights because her rouge is so bright. Jason explains to the viewing audience that their relationship is different because they both have kids and because they both believe in excessive plucking (her: eyebrows. Him: chest). The problem is that they don't have any physical chemistry. Jason is saying how much fun it was to meet Sophie (Stephanie's little girl) because she was just so dern cute.

The word "jealous" is being thrown around like Seattle coffee grounds.

Time: 8:35 p.m. and counting.

On a more personal note, I slipped on the ice today and feel down and banged my left knee up really bad. But here's the good news: I didn't spill any of my coffee!

Okay, now they are at the talk show with Jackie and some thin gay dude who is supposedly her husband. The girls get to watch from a soundproof room. They can't hear what he's saying. We can though, people! The gay guy asks him what it's like to be back on the show as The Bachelor. Jason says he is so lucky. The girls try to read Jason's lips. Jackie asks what the most fun date was. Jay stalls. "Um...The most amazing date has been with Stephanie because I got to meet her daughter on her daughter's birthday and they got to run up to each other and roll in the ocean. It was the sweetest thing!" Then Jackie asks who the best kisser is and the gay guy says, "You got to kiss the tire before you buy the car." What an asshole. Jason says that it's Molly.

Back at the house, Melissa and Naomi are speculating about what's going on at the station. I guess they're listening to it live.

The gay guy suggests blindfolding Jason and seeing if he can tell whom he is kissing by the shape of her tongue. The first is Jillian. Why are they making him wear a feather boa? Stephanie first kissed his fingers. Last is Molly. She says she always grabs his face and so she does it again. Jason is able to name each girl correctly. The guy host asks the women what they think is the hottest thing is about Jason (because I think he has his own list). Stephanie says "his eyes." Jillian agrees. Molly says that it's his smile. The host asks the women what they're like in bed. Molly says that she likes to wear lingerie. Jillian says she likes fun and giggling and then being intimate. Stephanie says she's interested in taking care of the guy, even if that means kissing every square inch of him. Everyone is grossed out.

Now they are back at this hotel and eating dinner and he's taking Jillian aside to see what's going on with her. She confesses that she's falling for him and she doesn't know how she really feels about that. He wonders if her expectations are realistic. Jillian says that she's not looking for perfection, but just someone who makes her feel good all the time. They kiss. What she said actually didn't make all that much sense. He asks her what her family would be like if he met her family. She says they would go on picnics and campfires.

I missed most of the rest of this date because I was eating hummus and wheat crackers. Sorry, people. I can only do so many things at once. Basically, he just took every girl aside and made out with her and put his hands all over faces and asked about each family. That's all you missed. That and the hummus, which was delicious.

This show will never end.

Today, he will go out with Naomi in a copter-port (helicopter). Why do they always have to run toward each other and embrace? Naomi looks like she should be in a MTV video from 1993. Does Jason really need to wear a flannel shirt? And does Naomi have to throw her legs over his lap while making out with him.

Back at the Holiday Inn, Stephanie calls her daughter, Sophia. Or Sophie or whatever her name is. Stephanie says that she doesn't think Naomi is ready to be a mom in the way that she is.

Jason takes Naomi to some kind of skiing or sporting goods place and he's going to make her climb this wall of discarded gumballs. Why does she need to bring her purse while she's doing this? He's being a little too competitive about going up on the wall--like pushing her so he'll get to the top first. She's generic. She's not interesting. Jason asks her what her family is like. She says that they're totally fucked up. This worries him. She then back pedals and says that the fucked up-ed-ness was a good lesson for her and she just wants to cook and clean for someone. Now they're out camping somewhere. Hopefully, not in his back yard because I think that's a fire code violation and the ex wife might have grounds to take him to court. Naomi continues to throw herself at him. On these dates, they always sound like they're auditioning or trying to out-perform on a job interview. Best food forward, perfect answers, keep it positive, tap dance! Naomi is too cutsie and talks in a baby voice.

Now we get to see Jason and Ty throwing ripped up Polaroid pictures of his ex wife over the porch railing.

Back at the house, doorbell rings. It's Jason and the girls are in a tizzy because they're not all dressed up and aren't wearing enough eye make-up. Jason asks if he can talk to Jill. He's worried that she will break his heart, because he's not sure that she's into. He takes her to a coffee shop. She does a good job because she cries and admits that she's falling for him. He says that she seems so strong all of the time. She says that she feels like her job is to take care of everyone. He says that she thinks she's unbelievable, but he wants to know that she's not just there for an adventure. They both order huge coffees and croissants bigger than their heads. He wants more attention from her and he wants her too open up to him. I don't think she's going to be able to do that, though I do really like her scratchy voice. She's trying to finish all of his sentences for him to show that she knows him so well. I don't think she does really like him though.

For the record, I think he'll send Stephanie home, because he thinks they would be better as friends and also because she's a flaky-flake.

Time: 9:32. Deeyawna has to show up on the next episode, right? I mean, they won't leave that for the final show, will they? The suspense of it all. The thousands of commercials of it all.

And now, Jason must decide. It's the hardest decision of his life and he can't decide and deciding and choosing of it all is so so hard and he only has these framed photos to go on and Chris' lame non-advice. Not clear on why he's wearing a maroon striped shirt with a checked tie. Bad, bad choice. If those are the kind of decisions he makes, he will most definitely fuck the rest of this up.

Chris and he keep referring to each other as "man." Like, "Man, how are you doing?" "Hey, I don't know, man. You know man, I'm wearing this tie that Ty picked out and like the tie and Ty together were like a tie for my attention, man, and like I don't know really what I'm saying right now and why aren't there more candles around?" This is really just another way of recapping the entire show for us as if all viewers suffer from amnesia or ADD, which actually, I do. I can't write anything about this blah-blah-blah recap. It's boring. Jason stares out into the night, pursing his lips, hands in the pockets of his pants, wondering if he one side of his profile is better to show to the camera than the other.

Finally, the most disturbing, difficult, and drawn out rose ceremony yet. The girls who get picked will be able to take Jason to their hometowns. Jason walks out and thanks them all for being so totally awesome. He still doesn't feel like all of his questions were answered. He asks to speak to Naomi by herself. Molly thinks that means that she's going home. The girls gather together to try to find out what he might be thinking.

He asks Naomi if she's really serious, if she would be okay with just hanging out sitting around having popcorn. She says, Of course! Absolutely! Popcorn and Jello shots every night! Meanwhile, she's dressed like a Vegas showgirl with earrings bigger than her head. Also, she has a tattoo on her back. Send her home, please. She dresses and looks like a Barbie and talks like what a Barbie would talk like if they actually had mouths that opened and weren't just painted shut.

First rose goes to: Melissa? Oh, okay, Jillian. She breathes a sigh of relief. He has nicknamed her "Jill." He can't call any of them by their full names.

Second: Melissa, yeah, of course, because that's who he ends up with. Her and her teeth.

Third: Molly, right? Yes, Molly, who thought she would be sent home. Stephanie knows that she is going home now. Of course she is because why would he have pulled Naomi aside. They are all sweating.

Fourth: It will be Naomi. This is not at all weird. Stephanie is sending him her sad face because she knows too. And the winner is...Naomi. Yeah, like duh.

Going home: Stephanie. Well, finally, she can go see her daughter. She is floored because she knows Naomi is not ready to be a mommy. Jason would like to say in front of everybody (he's breaking down), that Stephanie is the most amazing person she ever met and that they are all better people for having met her and she's a beautiful person outside and in. Naomi and everyone else who "won" is crying fakely. Stephanie is just glad that she could be there and she hopes her story can reach other people (what story?). Well, at least she will leave gracefully.

I hate Naomi and her blue dress.

Jason tells Stephanie that he meant every word of what he said on camera. Stephanie says that she could see that his spark wasn't there and she brings up how he was in the same situation with Deeyawna (great stab!). He wants to be friends with her forever. He's now calling her "Steph." She leaves with a dimpled smile, but we will get to see the truth in the limo...She says, "You know what, if it is meant to be, it will be. I truly believe that. I have come through such a difficult time. It's almost the fourth year anniversary of my husband's death." She may be the next Bachelorette. If they can fix her eyebrows.

COMING UP: Jason goes home with all ya'all. Picks all them up screaming. This is so anti-climatic because we know that he ends up with Melissa. I like that Jillian's from Canada. Molly pops her collar and wears an argyle sweater. Naomi's mother gives Jason a dead pigeon and makes him bury it. The mom is totally cute. In Dallas, the home town date goes terribly wrong because Melissa won't be introducing him to her family because they don't feel comfortable being on national television. That makes them normal! Stay tuned, people. We made it through yet another episode!!


heather said…
y'know? i'm reading this great book called 'jennifer government'... you may like it. save yourself from this bad tv!!! :) (that said, i read your whole blog.)
Aimee said…
Thanks, Heather! I'll look for it.