For the Last Time Unless I Can Figure Out How to Tivo

Well, it occurred to me this weekend that I won't be able to do moment-to-moment reporting of The Bachelor after tonight (don't cry), because I'll be teaching a fiction class on Monday nights from 7-9 for the next 8 weeks. I suppose I could try to work it into the class--force everyone to bring their laptops and request a TV in the room so that we could collectively use it as a writing exercise. Or, I could rush home and capture the most important moments---the last fifteen minutes. They recap everything at the end anyway, so maybe it won't be a problem. In any case, fasten your seat belts for the next 2 hours and the fabulous HOME TOWN DATES!!!

Just as an aside, the show doesn't start tonight until 9 p.m. b/c President Obama is giving a press conference. I have never in my life willing tuned into any kind of political public forum like this before this election. I actually like hearing Obama speak--I am a little bit or possibly a lot in love with him. I don't know how I would be feeling these days with the economy tanking and people I know losing their jobs if someone like McCain were in office. Suicidal? Not able to listen to any news? I don't enjoy listening to NPR's financial show every evening--it's never good news. But I can handle it at least a little bit more knowing that Obama is our president. That maybe, maybe, maybe it will be okay, and maybe, maybe, maybe it might ultimately make our country (and world) better. There, now I sound like one of the letters I write every day.."As we look toward the future, I see that it is brighter because of people/folks like youse guys.

Okay, screw all this political talk, what's more important is what happens on the hometown dates with the gals. Just in these recaps I'm wondering why it is that Naomi is so so so tan. She is ridiculously tan. Maybe she was the one African American candidate? Seriously, do they need to have ten minutes of what happened on the previous show and what's going to happen in this one? Who are the editors?

Okay, Ty, Ty, Ty. Do you want to help Daddy pack for his trip, Ty? Ty, why do I have these huge plastic bins in my closet? Is that where I put bad boys when they cry when Daddy leaves, huh, Ty?

Okay and now a recap of how he feels around the different women. He finds Jillian to be fun and playful and excellent at chicken fighting. I like her because she's from Canada and has this deep, sexy voice. But he's worried that Jillian will break his heart. Molly gives him butterflies because she is so gorgeous and beautiful and makes out with him at a moment's notice. Also, she has the gigantigest teeth. She's all right. I don't mind her. Naomi is the one who annoys me. His only concern with Molly is that he can't get deep enough with her. That's because she's as deep as a baby swim pool He likes Naomi because she has a baby voice and some kind of adorable growth on her face. He likes that she's got a passion for life and for recruiting orphans (?) and she's serious about getting married and she always sounds like she's on speed all the time. He's doubtful that she's ready to settle down and he doesn't want to clip her wings. He loves Melissa, I mean, he loves kissing her and he loves how she always says "absolutely" to everything he says. She seems so young to me. I do not like her Chihuahua laugh. He's not sure about Melissa because he can't find anything wrong with her.

First date: Jillian in British Columbia. She wears an adorable pink scarf. They run to each other. He will do this every single one of his dates, guaranteed. I hope she speaks French. Do they speak French in British Columbia or do these speak British Columbia? It is really beautiful in this part of the country. She is talking way too too much and telling a really boring story about seeing the Lochness Monster in the Oga Poga Lake. ZZZZZ. She lives in a church? Oh, sorry, it's a winery, but she doesn't live there, I hope...They are sitting on the floor by the fireplace with glasses of wine. She's going to tell a story about her mom having depression and how it lasted for fifteen years and how her mom has tried to kill herself (she just said again in this really great, foreigner way). I guess she was hospitalized too (the mom, not Jillian). So now maybe he'll be worried that she will go into a tailspin. She calls him "babe." Cute. He confesses that she he has "some of that" in his family. Okay, well, that's over with.

All the family members keep saying, "Yah? Oh, yah?" There's the mom with the depression. Dad is wearing a baseball cap with his glasses on top of them. They are having a semi-serious but not really conversation. Depressed mom who sounds slightly Irish, is now giving a toast that rhymes. Oh, God, she's going to start crying and then maybe run into the bathroom and try to kill herself. Mom said "a-gain and a-gain" just like Jillian did. Wait, is her name Jillian or Julian. I really am confused now. Mom says she has a couple of questions, and she pulls out a long list. She's grilling him about what he wants in a partner, how he handles conflict, if she will be his therapist because he studied psychology in undergrad. The totally beautiful sister in law says she thinks Jason is hot. I hope that he doesn't hear that, because he might make a pass at the sister in law. Mom tells Jillian that she sees a lot of depth and caring in Jason. I bet you anything that Jillian is one of the last two. And she won't win. Everyone in the family cries. Dad is crying as he talks about his daughter. I love the dad. He is the sweetest cutest man I have ever seen. Oh, and here comes the grandma. She says, Wow, Jason is a gorgeous guy! Grandma said that she was planning on taking Jillian up to Northern Alberta to marry her off to a moose logger, but not now. The grandma puts boxer shorts on his head as a gift. Not sure why, but okay.

Ew, I hate Molly. She is wearing the dumbest outfit. A plaid sweater with a popped collar underneath it and a linen skirt that a first thought was a pair of baggy shorts. She over make-ups. She meets him on a golf cart at the country club. Disgusting. She made Jason change into country club clothes and now she's forcing him to play golf. Seriously, she made him put on khaki pants and a sports shirt. That sucked. I guess she must be some dude's all-American dream. Some prepster. They live in a generic subdivision in some town. Dad also wears an argyle sweater. They talk about how they all love golf, they love it, it's all a big part of their lives. Molly is mortified because Jason brought up the fact that he has son. The mom, Maryann, makes everyone wear stupid hats. Again, not sure why. He wears a headdress. Mom demands that Jason a picture of Molly's face at a very special moment. Jason draws her at the rose ceremony. Dad says that he's proud of her and that she's doing the right thing. Dad tells her not to cry in the limo if she doesn't make it the whole way. Mom asks Jason what attracted him to Molly first to her, besides her big clown smile. Mom is won over by him because he was able to have fun and did whatever she asked. I wonder if he had a better time with her or with Jillian? I liked Jillian's family better. Less preppy.

Naomi lives in California. He keeps calling her a cowgirl, just because she's wearing cowgirl boots from Beverly Hills and is as tan as ever. As we know from the previews, the family is crazy. She's doing the best she can to convince him that she really really really wants to be a mommy even though she's only 19 years old and talks like a California girl. He still doesn't believe her. I can't believe she's not going to warn him at all about how weird they are, especially since they believe i like crystals and reincarnation. Group family hug. Mom (Joanne), Dad (Hector), nieces, nephews, half sisters...The parents are divorced but still hanging out. Mom busts out the hoola hoops and makes Jason try to use it. Everyone in the family can do it, except for Jason and Hector. The mom is doing it because she wants to have her own TV show. Mom is a hottie, but she's also a weirdo. Naomi pretends that she's embarrassed, but she actually seems to really her mom, so I guess that's okay. The father, Hector, looks like he might kill Jason. He definitely has like hair implants and died hair. Jason gets a chance to talk to him. He may be a serial killer. He wants to know if Jason has the character to enter into a marriage and if he's willing to lay down his life for her. Dad is going to proselytize to Jason and try to save him. He is telling Jason that the Lord and Jesus has helped him. Naomi has been raised from a Biblical perspective, he explains. Jason has a smile plastered on his face. To dad, the most beautiful presentation of marriage is what Jesus gives to the world. So, I guess the most beautiful presentation of marriage is the crucifixion. Jason says, Today, I learned that Hector loves Jesus. Mom says that she has psychic presence, that she can read minds and that she may be from the future. I am not making this up. She says she is an adult indigo and Jason is a baby indigo. I think that's what she said. She believes in reincarnation and past lifetimes. She believes that in his previous life Jason was a mom once and Naomi was a Temple priestess. Naomi says that he fit in so well with her family! She must be drunk. I can't believe she's not going to say anything to him like how she is not a crazy Christian who believes in birds dying and coming back as kittens.

Only one more date to go, thank God.

Dallas, TX for the date with Melissa. Again, we know more than Jason because of the previews. We know that he won't get to meet her family at all. Yes, he has twirled the girls around every time he sees them. She is adorable. Melissa made a present for Ty. It's a little box for Ty's tooth when they fall out of his head. She explains to Jason that he can't meet her family because they're not comfortable in being on TV for this moment. Tome, that is a completely rational decision. Why can't PBS just let him meet them off camera? I bet they do anyway. It's just not televised. Instead, they will go to her friend's house. Stephanie and Joe and two other people and two of their little girls. Melissa is working extra hard to show that she's good with kids by forcing them to play with her. This whole date will be about how Melissa and Jason are both so very disappointed that they can't meet her family. The friends have a different sense of who Melissa is and who she dates. They think she picks guys who treat her badly and she thinks she dumps the guys. Wait, has she ever had a boyfriend before? I'm not sure. Jason is now playing pool with the boyfriends. Oh, okay, she usually dates guys who want to hang out with their dude friends rather than be at home with her boring friends. Jason is grilling her friends about what the parents are like. I guess they haven't met them either. I keep forgetting that she was once a Dallas cowboy cheerleader. I don't get what the parents problem is either. Is one of them a leper? A drunk? A drunken leper?

This is a really long show and I didn't sleep much last night because the cats were misbehaving all over the place.

Shit, NOW WE HAVE TO RECAP WITH CHRIS HARRISON in this stupid, dumb, ridiculous, fake conversation. And then we also have to watch what happened AGAIN! And we see for the sixth time that Jillian's mom was diagnosed with depression (though in the flashback, it's shot in soft focus). How was the date with Molly, Jason? It was really fun, and it was also in soft-focus...Molly's family was great and Republican and conservative. Yes, he had a great time but is Molly ready to take the next step? He's saying the same things that he already said at the beginning of the show. Naomi's family was unexpected, though he did,a t this point, expect the soft focus. Jesus, really? Again with the dead pigeon. But is Naomi serious and will she need her wings? And remember how five seconds ago, Melissa's parents weren't involved in the show? Do you remember? Can you remember that from before the commercial break?

Newsflash: I think Jason may be losing his hair in the back of his head, like a monk.


I believe Naomi will be going home to be reincarnated back into a Malibu Barbie doll. Jason confesses that he doesn't know where to start. Melissa is wearing this weird short dress. He says that it was all unbelievable and he finds it all ridiculously hard for him. It meant the world to him to meet all of their friends and family.

First rose goes to: Molly. Gag. The prepster. She's bland, bland, bland.
Second rose: Jillian, please!!! Yes, thanks goodness. I told you she would make it to the end. They keep it suspenseful like this, but we know it's Naomi and her wack-a-doodle family that sealed her fat. I mean it.
Third rose: Naomi is giving him a puppy dog, my dad might make a Jesus voodoo doll out of you look. But Melissa gets the rose.
Going home: Naomi and her lip gloss. Told ya.

Naomi smiles anyway. She tells all the girls that she loves them, even though she just met them two weeks ago. She's smiling, not crying. I respect that. Jason apologizes and says that she thinks she's amazing and her family is amazing and he thinks that they're in different places. He tells her that she's incredible and now he would like it if she would please leave. He thanks her for "being you." What can a person even say about that.

Limo ride dialogue: "I would've moved to Seattle in the heartbeat. It sucks that the reasons that I gave that I don't want to go home are the reasons I'm going home (huh?). I put myself out there and admit I'm falling in love and the next thing I know, I'm going home. I was scared to let my guard down because I didn't want to be hurt like this. I never wanted to have my heart broken again. I didn't want to feel the way I do right now. I don't even care about having a love life at this point. I am just better off on my own. I have no idea where I go from here. It sucks. " The fact that she keeps saying how everything sucks is reason enough to send her home, because she sounds like a tween.

Next week, they're going to New Zealand for over night dates. I can't believe I'm going to miss this. When the hell is Deeyawna going to show up? Oh, no way, she's going to come next week. Unbelievable.


Anonymous said…
That's not a growth on Naomi's face, that IS Naomi's face.
Anonymous said…
Please learn to Tivo...I actually considered watching this show next week knowing that I won't be able to start my Tuesday by reading the much more entertaining version.
Aimee said…
Okay, I'll try. I have a DVD, so I should be able to figure it out. For you.
julie said…
do you mean dvr? PLEASE learn how to record the show. PLEASE!
Aimee said…
I don't know how! Can you do it and send it to me? I guess I can watch it on YouTube or whatever tomorrow, but that will take forever.