Oh, God, Not Again

Welcome to The Bachelor, Season #11. He's from Texas and I think he just lost six pounds sweating to death. The awkward moments keep multiplying and the show has only been on for three minutes.

He has hugged each and every one of them in this totally stilted way and said, "Hisonicetomeetyou. Please go inside now. I have already forgotten your name. Nice tits. Nice to meet ya'll." He is attractive, but what's with the Party of Five unshaven look? He's a millionaire and has an identical twin brother. Hilarious hi jinks with switching places will no doubt ensue in the middle of making out with one of them, not like the women would notice. No one ever says, "I hope I like him. I hope he's not a total dud!" Now the last ten women are bringing their chachas and (as Celia might say) their Mary Green's to him. They always pause after stepping out of the car as though going to a beauty pageant and then say, Bah-bye. Oh, why can't one of them trip and fall, please, please, please???? No personality so far except for the tall girl who took off her shoes. This girl is wearing a slip, it just falls behind her ass. The nurse rehearsed her speech, Hi, I'm a nurse and I'm from some state and I am going to want to take your pulse later, hahahaha, did I say that right? He has a look of abject terror on his face. Here comes the token Asian girl from Texas. And when someone says, I can't wait to get to know you better, you shouldn't say, Me too. That's like saying, I can't wait to talk to me too. One girl almost high-fived him. GOD. Here's plastic surgery, Melissa. Her face is so tightly wired that it almost just fell off into the fountain. Oh, another tall girl who twirled him. She said, You have gorgeous eyes. He replied, Uh, you have a gorgeous name. DUMB. Why didn't he just say, You don't have anything of note that I can comment on. I love how he can't hide his emotions and tries to anyway by plastering this painful smile on his face.

Oh, as an aside, I've decided on the way to the train today not to date guys with blond hair. I am not suited to them. I prefer brown-haired men, with a little darker complexion, like my old high school crush, RD. This means that I would never be able to date this guy, Brad, who does God knows what for a living.

Nothing much to report about class tonight because the teacher talked the whole time and the Jesus' DNA boy didn't say anything of note. I started to feel kind of sorry for him. He looks so young. I pictured him in footie pajamas. I was practicing not being callous toward my fellow human being as suggested by Conrad in Heart of Darkness, the book it seems that only five of us read for tonight.

"I think my wife may be waiting for me in that room." He speaks as though reading a cue card. He needs to do something about his hair--he's got the bristle top thing going on in the front of his forehead. Thanks, man, yeah, man, cool, man, yeah, thanks. Why he is he waving both hands, "That comes from my heart..." I guarantee that he's going to use the word "heart" fifty times. Oh, he owns a few bars and nightclubs in Austin. Say goodbye to the cheerleader from the Phoenix Suns. They are doing shots. Some shit is going to go down, most likely consisting of someone shaking her bootie in his face. This girl is just pretending to have a Southern accent. I like her anyway. DeAna, she's from Georgia and just told him that her mother is dead. There is a surfer girl named Bettina who is wearing a baby doll dress. Say goodbye to the Acupuncturist who is making him stick his tongue out so she can READ HIS TONGUE. I cannot make this shit up. Why do all these women talk like Valley Girls, Like, Brad, I totally love your like dimples and like I also am like in love with your teeth. They are so like real. They are cat-fighting over him. Say goodbye to the girl who has a ton of wrinkles on her forehead. Say goodbye to McCarten who just made up her name up for the show.

Someone just lost her boob. Say goodbye to Melissa who is totally drunk and keeps calling him sweetness. It fell out of her dress and then she put it back in without cleaning it off so now she has lint on her boob.

Morgan just said, Hey, buddy! and then showed him her web-toed feet. Say goodbye to her. Okay, and another girl demonstrated how she can do the pretzel, basically, she is just showing him that she's flexible and he can have sex with her while she is in the shape of a pretzel. One sang, "A Yellow Rose from Texas." Another girl just told him take his pants off and join her in the pool. He said no, oh, but wait, he might be taking his clothes off. Please tell me that he's not going to do that. He's going to give the first impression rose to the girl in the pool. Oh, wow, everyone hates her--oh, no, he's giving it to the giggly girl, Jenni, even though she did the dumbest dance and he only likes her because she won't stop smiling. I guess I am wrong b/c she is the girl from the Phoenix Sun. What would I do to try to make an impression? Well, I don't have any deformities to show him or any tragedies to share or any special talents (at least none that I can share on the first date). I would probably try to ask him something clever or deep and it would come out all wrong like, Did I ever tell you that story about the parents who thought their kid could have a brain transplant? I have done this before, people. It is never a good story, and yet, I keep telling it.

I'm sorry, but sending ten of these dumb girls home is not the hardest decision he's had to make, or at least, it would be super sad if it were or else he's lead a very charmed life. The women have to wear the same clothes the next morning. Melissa, the drunk girl, knows that she has f-ed it up. Please, please, please vomit on the floor!

"You have all far exceeded what I thought I guess was going to see tonight. I mean, you sort of have."

First rose: Jade who is memorable because she asked him if he believes in love at first sight. I like her.

Second rose: Bettina in the baby doll dress and Valley Girl look and shiny forehead.

3: McCarten!!! I was wrong again.

4: Hillary from Philadelphia who is a nurse and has a gigantic, horse mouth.

5: DeAna: Yes, she's adorable and calm and he mispronounced her name and she corrected him, you go, g-friend.

6: Michelle: Nice streaks, lady.

7: Sheena. The identical twin of Bettina.

8: Steffi. No idea who she is, she's got a baby face.

9: Erin. You've got to be kidding me, she's the one with the plastic surgery and giganto boobs. I am losing respect for him.

10: SoLisa, another made up name and more big boobs and darling, get a bra.

11: Lynsdey. Who? There are nearly all blonds.

12: Sara. Little tiny face, she has a funny weird voice too.

13: Mallory: not sure who she is either, except she's blond and didn't tie herself into a pretzel or lose her boob on the floor.

14: Final rose goes to..............Christi, who is cute. She has a tiny tiny dress.

The black girl is going home as is Pretzel as is Lost Boob as is the token Asian girl. Don't cry, lady. All of the rejects are crying because they didn't meet their soul mate and did not make it past the first cut.

Oh, group hug!!!

Next week on Nothing New Here: Too many Southern accents. A helicopter, a million dumb kisses, true love mentioned fifty times. I think he might be a jerk, but he does have a hot body. Tune in next week, when we might meet the identical twin who actually doesn't look too much like him. Oh, good, an ambulance in the previews. That's a great sign. Someone sprang her hymen trying to show him a back bend. I am thinking that maybe I don't like him that much. And now I must watch 12 hours of PBS' special about WWII to make up for this trashiness.


julie said…
I can't even stand to think about the chick who sang the yellow rose song. I'm so deeply embarrassed for her.

Although he is the most scripted Bachelor yet, I think I will like him. I do love that he was in tears talking about how that one chick showed him her webbed toes. Classic.