Hand Signals and Innuendo

It's not every day that I learn something completely new, such as the way to express a certain technique that, despite my years of graduate school, I have never heard of. If you ask me what it is, I will tell you, but I cannot write about it in my blog because it belongs in a R-rated teen movie from the 1980s ala Porky's, IIVIX.

In other news, Stephanie and I went to yogilates today and it was like we were attending a rare lecture given by the Mata Hari--there were no fewer than 500 undergrads stuffed into a gym room filled with mirrors. The teacher was okay for the first half of the class where we did mostly Pilate's moves (including the dreaded roll-over) but then she kind of lost her focus in the second half of the exercise--the yoga portion. It all started to go wrong when she told people to turn to do the other leg. Half the class took this literally and turned completely away from the teacher to face the back wall. This kept happening and at one point, I realized that I had somehow become the focal point of the class, as though I were suddenly the teacher. Then she decided it would be best to gravitate to the left center of the class and participate. Only about five people could see her; the rest of us were contorted in all different directions, watching one another to see what we were supposed to do. It was this free form yoga dance moment, one quarter of us doing back bends, the other quarter doing the pony, the remaining students lying quietly on their sticky floor mats, thinking about boys. Also, she kept telling us to go back into the fetal position. I think what she meant to say was "child's pose," because to me, the fetal position is what you're supposed to roll into when you are being attacked by a pack of dogs. I began to suspect that she was making all of this shit up as she went.

Finally, she ran out of things for us to do, and for about ten minutes, we just stretched on the floor breathing, which is not something I like to do. I am probably the worst person to take yoga, because it's really about relaxing and letting your mind empty and just paying attention to the movement. But I'm competitive, like, I am going to be the most relaxed person in the class! and at the same time, I just want to get on with it. I need to practice being still, but it's hard when you could be checking your email or cutting out pictures from old magazines or writing lists or thinking of ways to better yourself even as you are doing one of them. Luckily, I was not alone because when I glanced over at Stephanie, she was lying there tapping her fingers and rolling her eyes at the ceiling.

Boot camp was better. Boot camp consisted of a combination of step exercises, jumping rope for what felt like ten minutes at a time without ceasing, and doing 600 squats in a row while singing "I've Been Working on the Railroad." I lost fifteen pounds in just one class. It helped that I was wearing heavy jogging pants that worked to keep my body insulated as though I were in the North Pole.

Must wish Celia a happy happy birthday. Tomorrow, we are going to celebrate and today, she was given a falafel as a present and photos of the guys from Flight of the Conchords. Happy Birthday to the girl with the best curls in the world!

Comments

jordynn said…
Ha! I hate those kinds of classes. It reminds me of Monotonie Deadpan who used to teach pilates at Penn State... remember her? The dark haired one who had absolutely no inflection or variation in her voice? And who was always making us hold that pose where you are pretending to sit in a chair for at least 18 minutes?
Aimee said…
Yes! I don't remember her exactly, but I do remember the pain. I was the skinniest I've ever been in my life when we were going to those classes. And I could sit in chair pose for virtually hours, like a mime.
Ben said…
so, what technique? is there a gesture or something?
Aimee said…
I told you, I can't write about it in my blog. It's a hand gesture that is meant to stand for a sexual technique (or something like that--I guess it's not really a technique, maybe a style?). It's not sexy at all, if that's what you're wondering.
Anonymous said…
the shocker?
Aimee said…
Whomever you are, you are 100% right. It is, in fact, "the shocker."

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