Beat Jesus

With the exception of the PBS version of the local radio stations in Philadelphia (XPN), we really don't have an eclectic selection of music to choose from on dial. Since I'm generally in the car for an average of 11 minutes a day (to and from work), this doesn't matter too much, but one of the challenges I face every day is trying to skip over the Jesus stations as quickly as possible. This has always been a problem. Your scanner stops on a song that could be good...Could be some new Emo band or another that you're just not cool enough to recognize within the first three measures. So you keep it on the station and sort of don't pay attention until you start to hear one of the following key words/phrases that tip you off to the fact that you're awash in the love of Jesus:

Hallelujah, My Savior, Lord God (and various permutations of this: God Our Lord, Lord of all Gods, God, You're Lord), He is King, Jesus has Risen, On the Cross, Crown of Thorns, Redemption, Have Mercy on Me, What Would Jesus Do?

Tricky words/phrases that have been in nonsecular songs but still sound suspicious: Save me, Sister Christian, Fiery Pits of Hell, "Papa, Don't Preach," Son of a Preacher Man, Bethlehem, Starry, Starry Night, Crucify Me, I'm on the Way to Shambhala, Peace Train, Here He Comes Again.

Other points of confusion: Country Western music. Usually there's a God thrown in there somewhere, but it's not always the focus. Half fake Christian rock bands like U2, Creed, Clearwater Creedence Revival, Marilyn Manson.

I was fake-saved at least two times in high school to gain the attention of a real Christian boy named Rob who wore high top blue Converse sneakers and was the keyboardist in a Christian rock band that actually toured. I even had a hardcover Bible with see-through pages and I would write (in pencil) little stars by what I thought were particularly signficant Biblical passages. In retrospect, they all centered around my faith as it applied to Rob wanting to make out with me. "For he who hath waited 100 days in patient faith of what is to come so shall he be rewarded by the gold of heaven." (translantation: If I keep my fingers crossed and don't do anything, he'll want to make out with me). "And the woman shall cover her hair with a tablecloth and walk with the grace of angels until she begats many sons of god." (Translation: I should buy that straw hat and wear it to the youth group meeting on Wednesday night and he will fall in love with me). You get the point. We did finally make out on two separate occassions, but neither one of us heard the trumpet of angels and he told one of my guy friends he could never really like me because my boobs were too big. I always took this to mean that my breasts would distract from his relationship with Jesus.

P.S. On a very tangential note, I can't remember if Christopher Reeves is dead or not. I kind of think he did die, but I'm not sure. He used to mean so much to me, when I was a pre-teen watching Superman on the big screen. Now when I think of him, I mostly remember the Onion story after Reeves was in the wheelchair that had a headline like, "Christopher Reeves to be placed on top of the Washington Monument."


Dirk the Feeble said…
There is actually a guy in this world that said boobs were too big? Are you sure he was straight?
Aimee said…
It very cleary states in the Bible: "And the woman who exceedeth a C-cup shall cast man into a state of unbridled lust so that he should not know his own Lord and his tithings and seed shall be cast on the ground of Victoria's Secret." (John 3:16).
Karin said…
Christopher Reeves is dead. He died about 6 months ago. It's too bad, too, because he was doing some really good stuff for stem cell research. And even worse now, his wife was recently diagnosed with lung cancer.