I would like to give Mr. Darcy (as played by Colin Firth) the best bj of his life

If he were, in fact, a real person. It is a cliche, I'm sure, to have a crush on Mr. Darcy from the A&E version of Pride and Prejudice, not to mention the degree of nerdiness it reveals. Firth's Darcy is not handsome in a conventional way; no rippling muscles, eyes are plain brown, same with his curly hair (which has a tendency to frizz) , and his features are more fleshy than chiseled. HOWEVER! I would still fall to my knees in front of him and here are the top 10 reasons why:

1. When Mr. Darcy looks at Elizabeth, he wears an expression that's a combination of intense, heartsick love, bodice-ripping lust, and respectful worship. Also, he does that thing that I love where he steals glances at her when she her attention is elsewhere but holds her gaze for a second when she catches him staring before his pride (see title) causes him to break the glance (reminds me of a line from the first episode of My So-Called Life my friend Karen and I watched before draw-ling class last night where Angela says she'd like someone to say to her, You are so beautiful that it hurts to look at you).

2. That said, it's not that a person wants to be worshipped and loved to death--you don't want to be with someone you could bend around like a rubber doll. He LOVES her, but he's also elusive and awkward and has trouble expressing himself. However, when he finally manages to speak up, he tells her exactly what he thinks, even though he fears that she'll reject him. When she does reject him and basically tell him he's a dick (in Austen language, something like, "I am afraid that your behavior to date has left me with nothing more than feelings of grave displeasure which shall never allow me to return your feelings in kind so long as we are to be acquaintances. You dick"), he accepts it and doesn't insult her or continue to argue.

3. He can ride a horse like nobody's business and manages to look only slightly ridiculous in a top hat.

4. He acts. He strides about with purpose in silly looking white pants, doesn't whine, performs heroic acts without expecting thanks, and stands up to those who insult the people he loves.

5. He is self-reflective and capable of change.

6. He broods. I know that shouldn't be a good quality and wouldn't be attractive in real life, but you must love a man who is so tortured by his love for you that he (1). practices dueling until his wispy forelocks are pinned to his head with sweat (whispering to himself, "I will beat this thing!"); (2). dives into a mossy pond fully clothed (and emerges with his white shirt stuck to his body. Thank you, God, for that). (3). stays up all night writing Elizabeth a letter with a feathered pen that keeps running out of ink, goddamnit. All of which are fairly positive acts. Like, it wouldn't be quite as attractive if he brooded by drinking tons of brandy and sleeping with prostitutes. Even his brooding is refined.

7. His breeches suggest that he is well-hung and if you were to go by Shawn's theory of measuring a man's level of confidence by the size of his penis, you would have to agree that Mr. Darcy will not be a disappointment.

8. He loves dogs or at least loves women who love dogs, as is evidenced by the look of affection her throws Elizabeth's way as she's wrestling in the front yard with a Great Dane or whatever.

9. He admires Elizabeth for the best qualities in herself; that she's independent, playful, witty, not easily intimidated, and not for her weaknesses i.e. he is a feminist.

10. He has dimples. They are subtle and partially hidden by his sideburns but they exist. I am a sucker for dimples.

I mean, just look:

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Anonymous said…
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Karin said…
When I first read the title of this post, I laughed so hard I almost clamped down my teeth on my boyfriend’s cock. You see, I’m quite the multi-tasker: Often while I’m on my knees fulfilling my girlfriendly duties, not only do I surf the blogosphere, but I tend to houseplants, pet the kitties (to ease the jealously induced by my diverted affections), dust the region beneath the couch, and pay the bills. Yes, I do it all. It seems I’m a conventional woman after all.

Your choice of Colin Firth as the target of your quest for oral sex perfection at first surprised me; he’s not the actor that comes to my mind immediately, although I might have prejudged him on account of knowing him only through ‘Bridget Jones Diary’. That being said, that picture you posted is very sexy; your point-by-point reasoning, compelling. (On a creepy note, he looks a bit like my father did when he was young.)

I don’t really know which actor I’d target. Perhaps Viggo Morgenstern. I just saw him in ‘A History of Violence’ and I fell mildly in love. The sex scenes in that movie are really, really fucked-up, which sadly, is probably why I found them so hot. Not only is he appealing in this banged-up bruised pretty-boy way, but he’s an all-around artist; an actor, a photographer, a poet. He wrote the introduction to the Best American Non-Required Reading anthology in 2004, whatever that’s worth.

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