Say Good-bye to Wherever They Currently Are
If this whole thing doesn't catapult Arie into fame, he could always get a job replacing the handsome Trivago guy or doing svelte Viagra ads.
Cue the faux bearskin rugs stapled onto wood paneling. Cue a large stone fireplace and ship-lack (perhaps Chip and Joanna from Fixer Upper will come and restore the rooms to give the cabin a more open concept and a floating kitchen cabinet).
One on one date with one of the African American women. He drives her away in a red jeep to get on a red boat called the ZCR (I guess that's the frat he belonged to. Zeta Chi Rau). They are doing that thing where they go up in parachutes behind a boat. Sienne is handling it well. Para-sailing. The women back at the cabin hope they will fall in the water. Tee-hee. Someone did say that and did tee-hee afterwards. Sienne says she really likes Arie, but she can't use the "L" word yet (as in "lame," as in "low energy," as in "loser?). Sienne quizzes him about his creepy twin brothers. I feel like this date is going nowhere, even though Arie is pretending she made a great 20 second first impression. They make out and we can see his speedos and a partial butt crack.
Back at the ranch, one of the women learns that her grandad has died. Will she stay or will she go home? She's only 23. Let's see if she will stay or go home.
Sienne actually acknowledges that she doesn't know how well this date will go because she's black and not many of the white bachelors/bachelorettes chose non-white partners. She's very smart, perhaps too smart for him. They have dinner but do not eat the chicken. He gives her the rose and then takes her into a huge auditorium conveniently next door where a band called Lamo is playing. His only discernible dance move is the turn and dip.
Group date in the mountains and we know from the previews that they will be forced to eat earthworms. Because...why the hell not? They are greeted by a retired green beret and his lovely wife, Ruth, and they have been together for a total of 13 days. Ruth warns them about black bears. She's British, so it sounds like she's cautioning them against "black beers." They are given blue canisters to pee into and then they are supposed to drink their own pee. Arie goes first. I just fell in love him. Haha, just kidding, it was apple juice!! Then they eat worms. Not sure why. I guess for protein. It starts to snow or fake snow and Arie pulls Kendall aside to make out with her. Now it's not snowing. I'm confused. Everyone is given a compass and told to go find their own self-esteem. No luck so far.Suddenly, we're in a hot tub with Arie who has his arm around Krystal and the other women do not like it.
How do they have time to get dried off and get all done up again? First, he asks Lauryn to step outside with him so he can inquire as to how she gets her hair so curly at just the ends. He takes her to a fire and wraps her in dead elk skin.
Next, he snuggles up with an almost identical blond, Kendall. Oh, this is the one who likes taxidermy. She brought a miniature possum and wore it on her shoulder while they were traveling. That is adorable. They make out. He is really impresdsed with her. Their chemistry is off the charts, he thinks. He likes that she's beautiful and quirky. Chelsea thinks that Krystal is being too competitive, even though that is the whole point of this show. It's true that her mouth barely moves when she talks.
Krystal l pulls two women aside to confront them about feeling like they were looking at her funny. This is all phony and staged and this one woman is wearing a shirt that I think might actually be a scarf. Her titties are two seconds from popping out of it. She also cries and says that she feels vulnerable. Who will get the date rose? Tia, the second one who cried gets it. Billy Joel's daughter is getting lost in all the women.
One-on-one date with the young drama major, Bekah, the nanny. She does that thing where she runs and leaps on him. Dan wonders aloud if she has even gotten her period yet. Arie mansplains how she should get on a horse, even though she had the title role in Equus in high school.
The date is going great because Arie doesn't have the ability to tell how old she is, even though her career is "nanny" and she still goes to her high school football games. She may have had a teesy bit of cocaine before the night began. He asks her if she would be ready to get married. She says that she's only had that one boyfriend in middle school two years ago. They were going together and then he broke up with her because he wanted to go on his 8th grade band trip. She admits that her dad is actually younger than Arie. Bummer, dude. Well, she can always go back and get her GED.
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| What age difference? |
He gives her the rose even though it might bring him heartbreak. He is trying to be vulnerable and open and not notice her teen age acne. She still has her baby teeth. Oh, well, it could work, but it won't.
Okay, people, let's prepare for the final rose ceremony. This is reminding me not to get a tattoo on my hand. Many of the women have crosses and like little possums. Bekah spends extra time adding make up on to age herself, like when she had to play Martha in Who's Afraid of Virgina Woolf? (Written by Edward Albee, by the way).
Unsurprisingly, Arie has cancelled the cocktail party (read: the producers have decided it's more dramatic if they skip the party) and will go right into the rose ceremony.
First rose goes to....................................Oh, wait, Krystal would like a quick moment of his time. Why? Because they can't fill 15 minutes with a rose ceremony. She is murmuring something to him.
Okay, time filled. First rose goes to...................................................................................Lauren or Lauryn. She's boring.
Second rose goes to Kendall, the taxidermist. She's strange and I like that.
Third rose goes to Ashley. Hmm..I haven't seen him interact with her at all.
Fourth rose goes to Becca K. I like her too.
Fifth rose goes to Chelsea who will always accept this rose.
Sixth rose goes to Jenna who elbows her way to the front.
Seventh rose goes to Jacquelyn. Don't know her at all.
Eight rose goes to the beautiful and bland Marik.
Last rose goes to...has to be Krystal because she's more interesting. Dan thinks she looks like a snow bunny. Why pause if you know who you like? Krystal gets it. Caroline is going home and she thinks that sucks.
Next week, they are in exotic Fort Lauderdale making out on a wave runner. If only the entire episode could be as clever and funny as the last 30 seconds of the show.
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