Is Anderson Cooper okay?

I only ask because he looks tired today. But on to the show! Kristine sent me an article this week that detailed the behind the scenes rules for The Bachelor, which of course, includes the producers being able to tell him who he can keep and who he can send home.

Only 92 women left. Arie goes to the house on some type of donorcycle (that's what people in the transplant world call motorcycles because you will become brain dead when you crash it into the road). They show a hawk for some reason. I guess the hawk is his animal self?

.First one-on-one with Becca K. She's the one I like the best. She's over the moon to be chosen. All the women note that he looks cute in a leather jacket. I think he looks like he's wearing a Member's Only jacket, the kind I was dying to have in 7th grade. They drive fifteen feet to go to another nondescript house and meet Rachel Zoe, a famous person I know nothing about. She has brought a rack of clothes for Becca. Arie sits back with a glass of champagne. She chooses a silver dress, then a black dress, then a pink dress, all sparkly, all with boobs hanging out. She parades around in front of him so he can observe what she might look like a naked.  He gets down on one knee to present her with Louis Vuitton heels in a fancy box from Marshalls. The heels are nine inches high. My nightmare.  A guy shows up with another box, and for a second, I wonder if it's a hand gun and they're going to play Russian Roulette. It's not. It's jewels. They finally kiss. She gets a rose. She will be in the final five.

Kristine texts me that all of the dresses look like they are made out of tin foil. True.

Here is Dan's impression of how all the women behave. He's yelling out "Rachel Zoe!!!"


The next date will go to a girl who is likely going home at the end because she's too flaky. Oh, wait, he's taking Krystal to his hometown. She will try to teach his mom yoga through her yoni.  Everything she says goes up at the end with exclamation points!!! He drives her by the TCBY Yogurt where he used to work. Who doesn't love seeing where her potential boyfriend went to high school???  Someone told him that he should wearing polka dots. As a teen, he looked uncannily like Zach Braff.

They go in to meet his parents. Holy shit, his mom is an identical twin to Krystal!!! She's had A LOT of work done and is pretending to have a slightly Danish accent. She wears her hair in a braid on the side.

Date night has her showing up in a long silky blue shirt and then she launches into a story about how she had to buy her own comforter at age 9 and how her dad was either killed or in an accident that he drove away from (she left out the motorcycle part). I am not sure because I was eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes. Both are sweatinh like crazy. He gives her a rose because dead/injured dad story always requires a rose. They go into an empty theater where a guy is singing and they slow dance and I eat another bowl of cereal.

Group date with likely some kind of racing theme. What is with these girls like hugging on each other? I never do that. I never did that when I was in college. Everybody loves a guy who can do donuts in the dirt. You know? That's what I look for in a man, someone who thrives on quick, cheap thrills. The women have to drive around in shitty cars and Annaliese can't stand it because she had a bad bumper car episode.  They dramatize it by showing it in slow motion and black and white. Dan says she's suffering from PBCT (post bumper car trauma).

Annaliese really can't believe she has to try to crash into other women. This does seem slightly 

dangerous. How do you win this? I find this boring and also quite stupid. Siene won? Tia came in second place. She could possibly have made it to first place if she could see around those fake eyelashes. 

Dan found that entertaining. I did not. I am fine if we never see---was that drag racing? Dan explains that it's demolition derby. Brittany got a serious concussion and so can't be a the cocktail party. Chelsea steals him away to apologize for being a little mysterious. She confesses that she has a three year old and yes, she is still breast-feeding him, and so how does he feel about that? He lunges at her and they start kissing and we all look at her breasts. 

He talks to the black woman and tries not to be too surprised that she went to Yale. Check yourself! 

Bibiana doesn't know how to fight for time with him because her patience has been trialed a lot. I'm not sure what trialed means. She does not want a hug. He makes out with the young girl who is maybe 14 years old. He only has one rose to give out and he gives it to...Siene who studied abroad in Brazil. 

Cocktail party and tensions run high. He wears a tie with a matching handkerchief (also polka dotted). He gives one of themra certificate for being the most hardcore that one of the studio interns made for him. He's talking to the short-haired girl who was definitely a theater major and reminds me a little bit of a young Liza Minnelli. I could see her in Chicago. They may have sex against the fake columns from Home Depot.

Krystal with a K gets one on one time with him, but he doesn't kiss her because the producers made him keep her and he really finds her annoying. She is chewing gum. She is not doing a lot to flaunt stereotypes about breathy blondes. The taxidermy woman brings him a stuffed seal. Babiana gets time with him but I'm not sure how she's going to make an impression. Arie tells her that he brought his little dog with him. Krystal wants to talk to him again. This is made up. The Latina woman also does not defy stereotypes by going off on Krystal and saying that she has dug herself, "A big ass hole" not realizing that what she's said sounds like "A big asshole."  She gives her the hand. Ten minutes left. 

Final rose ceremony. My guess is that Brittany will go home and Bibianna. I don't know who many of these women are. Bibianna is having trouble concentrating.

First rose: Michael? A mermaid.

Second rose: Jacquelyn with the pretty eyes who is related to Billy Joel 

Third rose: Beckah M. says she "shall" accept this rose because she was in A Midsummer Nights Dream in college. 

Fourth rose: Jenna after Jenna McCarthy. 

Fifth rose: Chelsea, who will be portrayed as a meanie later. 

Lauren S. will take the sixth rose. 

Seventh rose: Tia who has a tattoo. 

Eight rose: Annaliese still recovering from bumper cars. 

Ninth rose:; Lauren B. Another non-descriptor blond. 

Tenth rose: Kendall, the taxidermist. 

11th rose: Brittany. I thought she would go home. 

12th rose: Ashley P. or S. or T. 

13th rose: Marik. 

14th rose: Caroline, not to be called Carolynn.

Final stinking rose: If you do not get this rose, you must go cry in the driveway, says Chris Harrison. Bibiana gets it for the drama she will bring to an otherwise boring show.  

Going home are the beautiful redhead, one of the blonds, and one of the African American women. It's not too dramatic yet. I really liked the redhead. The blond does not say goodbye. He goes out to talk to her and she won't hug him back. She's sad because she's never gotten broken up with before. She just lost my sympathy. She can't believe he picked a taxidermist over her. That's mean to taxidermy.