What is this show again?

I haven't been on The Bachelor circuit for a little while. Something about a tyrant megalomaniac billionaire getting elected has distracted me from reality TV. In part, that's because the White House is being run like The Apprentice and it scares the crap out of me. Daily.

So, who is this guy? He races cars? He might have gray hair. He might have huge ears. Or a huge ear. The baby doesn't like him.

We meet the women and they include a woman from Wiener, Somewhere and a woman who plays the ukulele and collects taxidermy. Also, a nanny and a boxer. All actresses. All hoping to have their own show. The yoga teacher whose brother has been swept into the opiod epidemic which has inspired her to put sandwiches in paper bags. At 29, she's one of the older ones even though I think Arie is 52. He does that thing with his hair where he brushes it all the way forward like Zac Effron or someone in a boy band.

First lady wears a long white dress and she's a realtor from Florida. She makes a joke about being off the market. She totally blew it. Woman two is a seven foot Amazon who is a real estate agent too and has a fake mole on her face. She will see him inside. Third is Kendall with the ukulele and a shiny complexion. She will also see him inside. Fourth is Seinne, an African American woman who is also a realtor. She gives him elephant cuff links as a bribe. Arkansas has brought a gift of a plastic wiener. She goes, "I hope you don't also have a little wiener." I've heard the word "wiener" more times in the last five minutes than I have since I saw Welcome to the Dollhouse.

Krystal gives him a short lesson on being in the moment and she will see him inside. A few fake boob jobs.The short-haired girl is allowed to pull up in a convertible. Bekkah is as cute as a button and she makes a joke about his age. Jessica has also brought a gift, a gratitude rock from her urethra. She has practiced the whole intro. Stop saying, "I'll see you inside." Think of something else. Some Indian women this time. Lady with the cross on her hand who forces him to pretend to be proposing. There are too many women.  Laura S. is a social media marketing manager. She's darling. Lauren J. is showing her nipples. There are four Laurens. One lady asks him to smell her armpits. It's part of a pun. Another wears a mask. Another does a Charlie's Angel thing with her hair after pulling up in a race car.

I wish that half of them would admit that they're not attracted to him.

Cliched cattiness among the women to heighten the drama.

Arie must ride in a tiny car and Dan is worried that the woman will hit her head on the cement. They kiss and she says he has the softest f-ing lips. A lady whose hoping to get more hits to her YouTube channel plays a song she wrote on a ukulele. Another gives him a foot massage and she goes, Tell me something that I don't know. He goes, Uh, no one has ever touched my feet before. The kissing bandit unfortunately didn't figure in that the mask would leave lines on her face when she took it off. He might actually be a funny. Uh-oh, here comes the first impression rose. He has to give it to the woman who arrived in a race car. 

Everyone is stressed because they haven't had enough alone time. How long is the cocktail party? Fifteen minutes? He listens to the women like someone on a soap opera. Great eye contact and subtle tongue during the kiss. I feel like they were all theater majors in high school.

Dead dad story.

Bekkah in her convertible. She asks him what three things make him excited to be alive and he says, Excitement. She goes, Excitement makes you excited to be alive? She has been practicing her darling nose wrinkle. Dan thinks she should be cast as Peter Pan. She is the only one who has short hair out of all of them. He also thinks they make the worst pairing of all.

Okay, I guess we are going to make it to the first rose ceremony. He thinks that tonight was amazing and he feels bad because he has to send many of them home.

Dear God, it's a lot of roses.

First rose: Becca K. She's my favorite because she seems like a normal person and she's not blonde.
Second rose: Marik. Long red dress.
Third rose: Kendall with the ukelele. 60 new people just liked her YouTube page.
Fourth rose: Lauren G.
Fifth rose: Krystal who wants him to stay in the moment.
6th rose: Bekkah M.
7th: Lauren S.
8th rose: Sienne
9th: Caroline
10th; Brittany T.
11th: Vivianna, Dan says she's from Jersey.
12th: Analise who wore the black mask.
13th: Jenna
14thL Valerie, the only red head in a yellow dress.
15th: Jacquelyn, Billy Joel's daughter.
16th: Jenny in pink.
17th: Lauren B. in a silver dress.
18th;Ashley.
19th rose: Tia with the highlights and tattoos.
Last rose: Maquel who showed up in the race car.

Suddenly its daylight outside. Were they up all night? Spray tan goes home because she mentioned spray tanning too much.

The rest of the show is flash forwards of what will happen on future episodes. This must be every straight guy's dream--making out with dozens of beautiful women while on a wave runner. Tears and tears and tears and then Arie walks over a sand dune to propose to someone.