You will never get this two hours of your life back

They're going to Las Vegas; one of the few places in the world that I have zero desire to visit (alongside the entire state of Texas minus Austin). Not even for the kitsch factor. How many times will we hear the phrase, "Viva Las Vegas?" (two so far). I wonder how many of the blondes actually know what that phrase means or if they relate it to Elvis at all?

OliviaDiaz is being built up to be ultra confident which can only mean one thing: she will be kicked off or almost kicked off. They only ever build up strong women to knock them down. It's in the script.

Let's see if we can guess which marginal Vegas celebrity will make a guest appearance. John Mayer? There will most definitely be an Elvis impersonator, maybe two. Maybe twin Elvises! By the by, the twins are dying for a one on one date with Ben, not realizing that by definition, that would be a two on one date and one of them would have to sent home.

This brown haired girl (Jo Jo) is wearing a baby doll shirt and no bra and denim shorts. Do their boobies every come out? Hers are almost being forced out by the breeze of the helicopter. They take off and we see a backdrop of Trump-owned buildings plus a Ferris Wheel. Oh, good she's changed into a one piece black pantsuit with a high neck, like a Stepford wife. She is really reluctant to tell him about her past...It turns out that...Oh, God, how does she say this...She had a previous relationship and...He...She..Let's just say that she wasn't the only one in the relationship. She has a hard time trusting now because they dated for an entire year and a half. Has she not seen the one about the woman whose fiance died? Or whose dad died and his last wish was that his daughter marry a guy she met on TV? Or the one about the woman who is currently on the show whose entire family was slaughtered in Haiti?

Again, twenty five girls are being sent on a group date, leaving virgin Becca with the one-on-one date. They are greeted first by a ventriloquist. Or is he a puppeteer? Is he from Sesame Street? The women are being forced to put on a talent show. The puppeteer asks if any of them have any secret talents. No sexual jokes are being made. Now the guy has an Elvis puppet. I did not predict this.

We know from the previews that Olivia will have a meltdown though she seems fairly well composed at this moment, ready to strut her stuff in a red genie outfit, so what could possibly happen? She's a news caster, she should be able to pull her shit together.

It's a full house of old people, so it should be fine. How weird, they just happened to have matching Irish outfits for the twins and jig music. Their dance lasted four seconds. Jubilee plays the viola, another girl juggles, another makes balloon animals, and another wears a chicken suit, while yet another bounces around on a pogo stick. No one shoots anything out of their ying-yangs and no one tries to illustrated how she can fit her whole fist into her mouth. This is a family show, ya'll. Olivia will be coming out of a cake and shimmying around and then getting back into the cake. It's really bad, you guys. What would be worse is if she lost her top. The puppet says, "What part of' talent competition 'did you not understand?" They are forcing her to be on television while she has a panic attack, because she realizes it was really awful. I feel bad for her. Rearlly. She says she doesn't think her act screamed "marriage material" and Dan said, "But the juggler screams marriage material?"

This is what the audience looked like:

Olivia feels really bad and so feathers her hair to an extreme.

One of the twins wants her to get over it. A different blonde with what could be a beauty mark or melanoma on her face gets one on one time with Ben and the puppet who looks like Ben. The puppet is more lifelike. She calls him Little Ben and says that he's bigger than she expected. I bet not.

Lauren B. gets the date rose due to her perkiness.

For Becca's one on one date, she and Ben get to upstage ten shot gun weddings and perform their

ceremonies. Next, Ben takes her to a place where Vegas signs go to die. They are surrounded by cast off signs reading, "Standing Room Only" and "No vacancy" and "Live Showgirls, Topless!" Ben asks her probing questions about why she's a virgin and how she feels about the fact that he, a 28 year old man, is not a virgin. She says it doesn't bother her. They smooch while a "Tunnel of Love" sign flashes suggestively in the background. I know I've mentioned this before, but her teeth are incredible. Large and white and very white American. Also very much like a doll. She seems unreal, like something made of wax.

He now decides to take the twins out together to make for dramatic TV even though we still can't tell them apart (and neither can he). They live with their mom, coincidentally in Las Vegas and own 15 dachshunds.They still have separate bedrooms with their prom pictures up and Love's Baby Soft perfume everywhere. Mom looks like them; same electric blue eyes and very blonde hair and I would bet that they share clothes, since she's dressed in distressed jeans. Ben decides, after very little contemplation, to keep the one to the right. I'm still not sure if it's Hayley or Emily. Both of the twins cry and both appear to have bandaged thumbs.

Olivia is portrayed as being a bitch for interrupting him talking to another woman, even though they all do that. She brings him a piece of cake. We have to pretend that we don't wonder where she got the cheesecake. She's being portrayed as delusional. I want to sue the producers. I hate the way they portray women. They are all shown as one-dimensional. They have one trait each. The crazy lady, the goofy one, the virgin, the black girl. I write about them that way too. That's all there is to evaluate.

Rose ceremony

First rose: Amanda or Manda
Second rose: Lauren H. with possible melanoma.
Third rose: Jubilee. She could really play that viola.
Fourth rose: Emily, the twelve year old twin.
Fifth: Kaila in a white dress.
Sixth rose: Jennifer. Olivia can't believe it.
Seventh rose: Leia.
Final rose: Will not be going to Olivia because she's been played up as too sure of herself. It will go to Amber. I was wrong. Olivia does get the rose.

Going home: Rachel, unemployed from Little Rock. Amber, who was on a previous series of The Bachelor. She removes her shoes. She's darling. Ben watches her go. He seems to feel bad. But do they have to cry? I mean, who cares about him?