Monday, January 11, 2016

Bobbing for Ben

Lace/Sarah Silverman is hoping for the date card, confessing that she was so drunk that first night that she wasn't herself (she says, taking a huge sip of morning chardonnay) and steam-ironing her dress while also using hair spray. She accidentally blows off her eyebrows. My question is how she got a haircut between the first show and this one?

The first group date is at an elementary school.The girls  wear short-shorts or tights masquerading as pants. They are in a competition to make Ben explode. Chris Harrison actually said that. The girls put on lab goggles and Dan says something that I can't type here. Now they are being forced to bob for apples and kiss each other on the mouth to pass the fruit. This is very much like a porn movie. Next, their group intelligence is tested by having them try to find Indiana on the map. Even the girl from South Bend is unsure. Now, they have to wear men's underwear on their heads and shoot baskets. None of them make it. Finally, slow motion shot of Mandi and Amber competing against each other by jumping over hurdles no higher than their knees. She breaks through the final paper like "sperm breaking out of a condom" (says Dan).  Mandi gets picked as Homecoming Queen and her prize is to get to ride around on the back of a red Mustang convertible with Ben. Volancos, goggles, hurdles, how can they possibly top this???

Becca gets one on one time with Ben and let's see if she can talk to him without mentioning her virginity. Success. This other girl talks to Ben and they kiss. This makes Lace realize that she's going to do whatever it takes to get the rose tonight. She gets Ben alone and apologizes for being drunk and says she's not that person who he saw. She wants to him to know that she's a good girl. Jubilee ruins it for Lace by doing to her what Lace just did to the other girl (interrupting for fifty seconds of one-on-one time)

Jubilee tells Ben that she respects, like, his work with orphans because she used to be an orphan in Haiti. I don't mean to be cynical, but this feels like it's just him trying to prove that he's not a racist. Ben and Jubilee kiss and then he immediately takes a sip from his drink. Lace is one of those people whose mouth barely moves when she talks.

Ben pulls aside this one woman, JoJo, who pretends like the best thing in the world is to be on the fiftieth highest building in whatever city they're in (seriously, there are at least 15 higher skyscrapers around her). She has never in her life been this happy before, it's unbelievable!!!! She's 100 percent happy.  

He says he can't choose between Jubilee and JoJo. He then gives the first impression rose to JoJo because she's white.

First one-on-one date with just Ben and Caila and two additional black comedians/actors (Kevin Hart and Ice Cube). This is The Bachelor producers trying to interject humor into an otherwise unfunny program. It's not working. Ben drives off in a white convertible with the dudes in the back. I saw this same exact concept on Conan O'Brien and I guess it's the basis for their movies? The girls back home are thrilled because they know there is no way this will be romantic. At least they're debunking stereotypes by having Kevin Hart joke about making fried chicken and Ice Cube pretending to rob the liquor store.  Ben and Caila end up...where else...in a hot tub. We discover the Caila has a tattoo of a shrimp on her thigh. Cue commercial of a Kevin Hart and Ice Cube movie, hence the reason for their appearances. Dan likes Caila the best. He believes they will get married and then divorced within a year and a half.

Caila and Ben go to a nondescript restaurant with candles and violins playing. The restaurant is called Burning Oven. They're thing is to serve everything burned. Does it matter that she's drinking white and he's drinking red? She says she was engaged with a man she met on a plane but for some reason, it didn't work out. He gives her a rose and they walk down the street and see their names on the marquee of a porn theater. Oh, no wait, they are in a theater being serenaded by Amos Lee, a musician I have never heard of who appears to like vests. They dance awkwardly while he plays the guitar. They make out, sort of.

Group date with the twins and others at a love laboratory. Of course all of the scientists wear white coats and all the women wear white tank tops. They are being tested to see if they can get out of a maze with a glass of chardonnay at the end. Next, Ben is blindfolded and made to smell each of their asses. I am not making this up. One girls smells like lo mein and he rejects her. Finally, they are required to strap on electrodes and touch each other's breasts. I don't think these tests were approved by the Kinsey Institute. The lowest score goes to...Sam, who smelled like she just came from PF Chang's. The highest score scores to the newscaster (Olivia/Cameron Diaz look alike), who will be cast as the next villain after Lace is kicked off in two episodes.He takes Olivia away and gives her a kiss and she says she feels heat in her stomach area. She's a phony, but slightly likable.

I don't get why one group date was 15 women and the other group date has only 5 (if you count the twins as one entity, which I do. Sorry, twins out there).

Amanda confesses that she has two children under the age of 3 and he does not run away into the night. He also does not give her a rose  He gives the rose to...Olivia. This makes Amanda cry.    

Final cocktail party. Ben has finally changed out of his sweat pants. Vests are back in, ya'll. He holds the women's hands every time. Olivia uses the word "magical" too much. She steals him away and she knows that he is attracted to her. Now Olivia and Lace face off and again, Olivia keeps her poise  because she's a newscaster.


Lace tells Ben that she is a handful and that she was a dorky teen and her brother made fun of her because she had these weird bangs and he called her Rosannarosannadana and she has a part of her that she's working on and she hopes that he doesn't think she's crazy and...Oh, dear. Now I feel bad for her. She wishes she has not shown him this side of her Actually, the way she would say it is: "I wish that Lace had not come out. I wanted him to see the good girl Lace, not the motor mouth Lace." I wish she wouldn't refer to herself in the third person.

Too many blonds for Ben to sort out. Ben offers to make hair barrettes for Amanda's children because he will never actually meet them in person.

Final rose ceremony and there are at least five women in the group that I swear I never saw before.

First rose: Amanda. I have made zero comments about her hair extensions.
Second: Jubilee.
Third: Lauren B. in one of the two identical yellow dresses.
Fourth: Leia.
Fifth: Becca, the virgin Barbie.
Sixth: Rachel. Who? Did she win the gunny sack race?
Seventh: Lace. For TV's sake.
Eighth: This one woman just sent herself home. I can't tell if he was going to give her a rose or not.
Ninth; Jennifer.
Tenth:  Twin
Eleventh: Jamie.
Dozenth: Laurie H.
13th: Laurie H.
14th: Shushanna from Russia
15th:  Twin II
Last rose:Amber.

Mandi, the weird and interesting girl will leave and Lo Mein is also going home.

Scenes from next week promise piggy back rides, concerts with other obscure musicians, Lace in a corner, sobbing, candles, awkward hugs, false eyelashes, tattoos, and outtakes that are way more interesting than the show itself.

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