Monday, January 18, 2016

"I feel the need...the need for speed!"

Missed the first five minutes, but it appears that the flight attendant is going up in a biplane. Lauren, who has earned the one-on-one date, is not into it. Will anyone vomit? Doubtful and if one does, it will be edited out because this is a family show, people.

The plane is yellow and it's called Sky Thrills. Will there be jokes about the mile high club? Both Ben and Lauren wear aviator hats and goggles that they don't actually use to cover their eyes. She says she is catching herself pinching herself.  They kiss while doing a zero gravity drop and an inverted dive and a flyby ala Top Gun. A jacuzzi prominently sponsored by Jacuzzi appears in the center of the dessert and they make out in it. There are a disproportionate number of blonde ladies in this season.


Back at the ranch, Caila starts crying and her voice cracks like a 13 year old boy. She is just realizing that she is dating Ben along with 20 other women. She's like, "I don't know why, but it just hit me that I am not the only woman here and my heart could be broken if I really fall for him."

Ben takes Lauren to a cliched candlelit dinner in a nondescript lodge. He asks her what makes her happy. She says, "I like simple things. My dad is simple. He likes the yard." Thanks, Daughter. She says she wants a husband who is like her dad. Simple. Well, you got it! She loves to flash her dimple, because it has been praised by all since she exited the womb. Ben says that his dad had triple bypass surgery and Lauren goes, "I hope to get to meet him then..." Meaning, before he drops dead. Ben rewards her gaffe with a rose and a noisy kiss on her dimple. Bet money they are going to hear from a barely recognizable band. Of course. They are in barn decorated with hay bales, because nothing is more romantic than the wafting scent of animal manure.

The women pretend to be thrilled that they are going on a group date to play soccer. An army of them descend the stairs of the stadium in tank tops, joined by two members of the U.S. National Team who won the World Cup this summer. Dan says, "Why doesn't he marry one of them?" They try to give each other bloody noses and black eyes by kicking the ball at the faces only.

Back home, Jubilee is crying because she realizes that Ben has a certain "type" (read:white and blonde) and it's not her. Has she seen the show before?

Chris Harrison divides the girls into Team Stripes and Team Stars (original). The winning team gets to hang out with Ben while the losing team has to go back to the house and ice their sore breasts and egos. The twins have been put onto opposite teams or as the girls call it."a twin off."

This is what happens when you Google "twin dolls 1950s":


Soccer ensues. I'm not paying attention. The star of the game is the goalie, Emily, who may or may not be one of the twins. Hard to keep the blondes straight. She says, "Balls coming at your face is never fun." Rachel gets wounded. Good thing the virgin isn't playing or her hymen might accidentally get broken by a swift, ill-placed kick. The Stripes win and show their joy by piling on top of each other. The Stars cry. Only a little. They limp back home to sulk. The remaining 25 girls go on an intimate group at another in an unending series of outdoors sets furnished by Lowes. Olivia pulls him aside in the middle of his toast and takes him up to the hotel room which Lace sees as a slap in the face. Oliva is uncommonly beautiful, an amalgamation of Uma Thurman (heart shaped face), Michelle Pfeiffer (eyes) and Cameron Diaz (mouth and teeth).

While she's gone, the girls talk about her bad toes (hey, bad toes make for good soccer players). A girl turns secret agent and fills Olivia Diaz in on this gossip. Oliviaz says, "Perfection sucks."

The toe below is clearing saying, "F you."
Here you go, Kristine. 
Amber gets the rose for the date, so she will not be going home. Oliviaz is bummed, but realizes that he couldn't possibly give her a rose again. She takes it as a good sign that he has used her leg to hoist himself up off the sofa.

Jubilee is wondering how the hell she got this one-on-one when his type seems to be "princesses." She wears a white jumpsuit that is not unlike something from the disco era. Jubilee accuses him of being twenty minutes late. They will be going up in another helicopter or leer jet or prop plane. The other women are annoyed that she doesn't seem to appreciate that she's going up in a helicopter, not realizing that she's afraid of heights. If this date doesn't go well and she does not receive a rose, she won't be returning to the show. He feeds her caviar and she spits it out into a potted plant. She confesses that she's obsessed with hot dogs while suggestively eating a Dorito. They go out on the deck to play shuffleboard for 12 seconds before she changes into a teeny bikini that illustrates her Ben tattoos. Wait, what does the text say on her chest? It says something like,"The pastry is portable." She tells him that he doesn't have a realistic laugh. This is her being sassy and he says that he appreciates her honesty and sense of humor. Ben asks her to tell him more about Haiti and why it was a bad time. She says she has a love/hate relationship with her past because her whole family died there except for her. That's worse than anything that has ever been revealed on The Bachelor. Usually, it's one person who died, not everyone. He gives her a rose. This level of loss is incongruous on a show that deals mostly in superficial moments.

Can it be the rose ceremony already? Something dramatic must be about to happen. Ben announces that two pillars of his society died in a plane crash. Olivia takes him aside to talk about her cankles and ugly toes. It brings her to tears. This is a HUGE comfort to him. Jubilee asks him if he trusts her. She leads him to a secluded and gives him a massage to help him feel better. How are they not getting interrupted? Better question: where did the massage table come from? All the girls hate her because she already has a rose and she took more time with him. Never mind that he was complicit in the whole act and has the ability to refuse. Amber wants to confront Jubilee with five other girls and Jubilee locks herself in the bathroom. This makes Ben concerned and he goes to talk to her. Lace regrets that she didn't mention her cankles, her insecurities or someone in her life who died. Amber is feeling very pissed off and goes to confront Jubilee which makes J. cry. This is a super bad move for Amber and back fires because it makes her look like she's attacking a vulnerable girl whose whole family is dead.

Lace takes this moment to take him aside and explain her own issues, such as how she's unlucky to have a twinner in Sarah Silverman, who is not as Christian as she is. In fact, Sarah Silverman is Jewish and tells dirty jokes, which, she, Lace, would never fucking do. As an aside, if you have never seen Silverman's Jesus is Magic, watch it right now. Lace starts out by crying and telling Ben that he is amazing and she has a lot of work to do on herself and she wants to be able to offer him more.She explains that, like her tattoo says, "You can't love someone else until you love yourself." Why doesn't she ever read her own tattoo? She throws herself off the show and takes the limo to CVS to buy a hand mirror so she can actually see it for once (accidentally placed as a tramp stamp).

First rose: Lauren H, elementary school, blonde.
Second rose: Amanda, blonde.
Third rose: Becca, blonde.
Fourth rose: Hayley, blonde.
Fifth rose:Emily, blonde. Why is he keeping the twins?
Sixth rose: Rachel, brown hair.
Seventh rose: Caila, cute, brown hair.
Eighth rose: JoJo, brownish blonde.
Ninth rose: Jennifer, brown hair.
Tenth rose: Someone whose name I couldn't hear because Dan was talking. Blonde.
Final rose goes to...Olivia, of course it will be Olivia and it is...Olivia. Blonde.

According to Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight blog fame who predicted Obama's election, odds are that you will get a rose on The Bachelor if you're blonde. Now you understand why Jubilee was skeptical?

Next week: Olivia dresses up like Michelle Pfeiffer from The Fabulous Baker Boys. She is being portrayed as a psycho.


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