Tuesday, January 5, 2016

It's Raining...TV Humiliation

Have you see the preview ad for this latest iteration? If not, it is set to  a song by an early 80s band (The Weather Girls?) to the tune of "It's Raining Men," except cleverly enough, they've changed the word "men" to "Ben," the name of the new Bachelor. Get it?? "It's raining, Ben!" How many meetings did they have before they settled on that concept? "What about 'Come as you are/As you were/As a friend/as a Ben/as an old frenemy?'"

Dan goes, "Wait, isn't this the guy who looks like Donny Osmond?" Yes, exactly. 


Ben  keeps saying that he has small town values, which makes me think he loves Jesus. We see him looking out onto an Indiana field wearing a mint green shirt from Marshalls. His parents have been married for 30 plus years and Mom advises him to not take rejection so personally. Dad says that he shouldn't feel unloved by women because he could meet someone like his Mom and then...he snaps his fingers (I'm not sure what that means). Mom starts crying.  

What's all this nonsense with him consulting with three former bachelors? Let's see. I recognize Chris the farmer, then this other short guy and that Southern blond with the Kwepie doll hair. Someone gave Ben a terrible, military/The Cure type haircut ("What about, "I don't care if Monday's blue/Tuesday's grey and Wednesdays too/Thursdays, I don't care about you/It's Friday, I'm in Ben with you?")

We get the intros, 75% of them set on the beach.  

1. Lauren, 25, flight attendant who loves traveling. Blond. 
2. Caiyla, software sales rep, Boston, cute, brown hair, over-curled, broke up with her boyfriend after seeing Ben on TV.
3. Jubilee, first African American, can do sit ups, war veteran, tattoo of someone else's name on her chest. She will make it through two episodes.   
4. Mandi (with an "i"), needs to have her mole removed, age 28, likes weird things, dentist, from Portland, blond.
5-6. Emily-Hayley, 22, twins, they will say everything at the same time and are riding tandem bikes. Wait, are they attached at the roots? They don't actually look that much alike. Blond times two. 
7. Amanda, baby voice, Orange County, blond, mom, divorced with two daughters, esthetician (she sells skin cream), forces her daughters to wear ponytails all day long. 
8. Cara, chicken enthusiast. Blond. Does she have a job? 
9. Sam, 26 but appears to be 36 (she grew up in Florida), scratchy voice, blondish, dead dad. Cue sad music and her looking out onto the beach. Bring that up right way, Sam. 

The first limo arrives, and flight attendant steps out wearing a long blue dress. She brings him a pair of wings and says, she hopes he is ready to take off on this journey together. Caiyla runs and jumps into his arms and then asks if she can see him inside. Jennifer, did I miss her? She has long dark hair, and makes no impression. Jami, from Canada, multi-ethnic, she says that she knows Kaitlyn. She makes a penis joke. 

Samantha is already drunk and wearing a red lace dress and tells him that she passed the bar exam. She asks him if he wears boxers or legal briefs. Jubilee arrives in a white dress, very low cut and tight. Amanda will be a hit until he discovers she has two kids. Lace (not her real name), asks him to close his eyes and then she gives him the first kiss. Lauren, math teacher from Texas, says she's been stalking him over social media. He keeps asking her what her name is and she doesn't answer. Shushanna speaks to him... Italian?

Someone with a football, Terrible, terrible lines. Dan just asked if the football fell out of her uterus.

Unicorn head girl. She must be the one from Oregon. Oh, no, it's Joelle from Texas. Lauren brings him the bouquet from a wedding and he says that he thinks it's some kind of sign. Red head, Laura, seems normal, she's from Louisville, KY. Her friends call her Red Velvet. Is that a vagina joke? So soon?  Mandi wears a huge red rose on her head. She says that if it goes well, he can pollinate her flower later. He will have to pray about that. The ladies will hate her because she is weird. I always like the weird ones.

Twins! Please don't tell me that they're going to say everything at the same time. "Group hug?" he says. They awkwardly embrace. The twins seem nice, but I don't think they're going to make it very far. Plus, they're 22 years old. The best they can hope for from this experience is to appear in the Playboy Twin Calendar 2017.

Second limo? Oh, no, it's a girl with a pony. Maegan, the oldest one so far (30). I like her, and she won't make it. She's kind of boyish. Is she going to bring the pony? Yes. This is too weird for him.

This one girl looks so much like Sarah Silverman (Lace, she's already been cast as the bitch). Breanne brings him a picnic. Isabelle, Izzy is wearing pajamas so she can make a pun about him being the "onesie" for him. Another girl comes in on a wave runner or whatever it's called. Jessica has eyes that are really far apart, but I like her, she's sweet. Tiara, the chicken enthusiast, did not bring a chicken or lay an egg. Lauren, fashion buyer, is possibly wearing a pant suit and she has a very flawless, mask-like face. Jackie, gerontologist, is nervous and probably taller than him She brings him a wedding invitation with both of their names on it. She will go home. Olivia, news anchor, also very tall and with a very serious dimple, she will be poised because she's used to being on TV. She points her dimple out to him, which is not cool. We see it!!!

Dan says he hopes the twins and the pony all end up in the fantasy suite. 


I can't type everything that's happening because I have to eat some cheese right now. Okay, four pieces of cheese. He talks to the girl with the football, the girl with the dental tools, the girl with the handwritten cards, the girl with the eyes that are super far apart, the twins. 

They've brought back two former contestants, Becca, who barely moves her mouth and a light skinned black woman, Amber. Because they have been on previous shows, this somehow supposedly gives them an unfair advantage. 

Here comes Sarah Silverman, trying to break in on Ben and Becca's meeting. She has had too much to drink. Will these women never learn? She approaches Ben, wine glass in hand, barely slurring. She asks for another kiss. He says he wants to get to know her better first. Beth interrupts them. Luckily, Lace/Sarah does not throw up on him. She says "literally" too much. He comes back to look for her. The girls gather to see if he's going to throw her off the show or make out with her or give her the first impression rose. He tells her that she is absolutely gorgeous and she slurs that he literally did something to her, literally. 

Chris brings in the first impression rose and leaves it on the table for the women to discuss and feel bad about. 

Lauren B. takes his breath away. She leans her head on his shoulder. He is now talking to a woman who is hinting that she too loves Jesus, as her breasts heave out of her dress and she clutches at his hand and places it on her lap. 

He gives the first impression rose to Olivia, the news anchor who has very recently had a hair cut. Again, she has an unfair advantage because of four years of news practice. 



My guess about who is going home: the girl who brought the pony, possibly the twins, the older girl in the red dress, possibly the dentist with the giant rose on her head (even though personally think she's at least interesting and funny). 

Rose Ceremony

First rose: Lauren B. The first one to get out of the limo.She looks like she's twelve.  
Second rose: Elbe? I don't remember much about her. 
Third rose: Caiyla. She's so perky!
Fourth rose:  Amber, from a previous season. 
Fifth: Jamie. Also ethnic. 
6th: Jennifier: missed that one. 
Jubilee: will accept this rose. 
Amanda: very athletic looking. 
Jo Jo: sweet face. 
Leia: Will she accept this rose? Absolutely. 
Rachel: Absolutely. 
Samantha: she looks tough.
Jackie: Can't keep up.
Hayley: one of the twins. 
Emily:the other one. Dan goes, Which twin is the evil one?
Shushanna: Red dress. 
Lauren H.: boring, 
Becca: Of course. The virgin. 
Mandi: Kept for entertainment value. 

Final rose will go to the drunk girl. I can't believe he's sending the red head home! Commercial break, of course, but that's what it seems like. 

And he chooses.....................................................Lace/Sarah. Of course. 

Going home:

Red Velvet, the mom, the pony woman, the girl who wore her jammies, some others. There will be tears. Or maybe not. I hope not. It's early in the show so they can't be too invested, right? 

Lace is confronting him because he did not look at her once during the rose ceremony. Is he Mormon? He says that he has the feeling that the drama is just getting started. Duh, no duh. 

I'm sad for the pony. 



Ladies, remember, you may find him hot now, but this is how we will look in a few years:



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