Home Town Dates, Ya'll

She has whittled her picks down to four lucky bastards all of whom have made gestures toward confessing their love for her (ranging from giving her knucks to saying, I think I, like, have more than the hots for you).. The only catch? They have to introduce her to their parents. This will also be the episode where she discovers that Eric died  and so we are unable to make jokes about it.

First hometown: Milwaukee with front runner, Nick

Nick takes Andi on the worst date ever, forcing her to polka dance to an accordion player. Nick comes from a large family, and they all where scarves and cry when they get introduced to her. I missed the part where we figure out how many brothers, sisters and uncles he has.Nick wants his sister's advice. His sister is a ginger. Or wait, is this his ex-girlfriend? She wears a dress that's as big as a cocktail napkin and a scarf. I bet if Andi were cast in  a remake of Happy Days, she would definitely be cast as Pinky Tuscadero. She has a certain way of curling her upper lip like a toughie.

Andi tries to explain the difference between a sexual connection and an intellectual connection with Nick's eight year old sister.  Not a great conversation, but it's okay, because the little sister forgets all of it right away.

Nick's mom has very short blond hair and wears a pearl choker necklace. She might be a vampire. Nick and his mom both cry because they are so happy.

Second hometown: Arlinton, Iowa with Chris, the fake farmer

I mean, I get that he really was born in Iowa, but I do not doubt that he has always dreamed of being an
actor/model/mannequin. Lots of corn fields and barns and John Deere tractors. Chris lives in a huge house, likely something that belongs to his parents. I mean, no 28 year old guy owns his own farm without years and years of family help and money. Chris lets Andi sit on his lap while she drives and we pretend it doesn't appear as though they're doing it doggy style while also plowing corn (sorry, Emily. Ask your mom).  Andi asks Chris what she would do for work and he jokes around that she could be a home maker. He says, I am being sarcastic and suggests that she be a district attorney in Cedar Rapids. Good for you, Chris! A helicopter flies by that reads "Chris loves Andi" and he actually spelled her name correctly. They make out in the middle of the field,  He outs himself as her secret admirer, which I guess means that he wrote that letter.

Chris mom makes a drunken toast. Shortly thereafter, someone else makes a fart joke, for the first time ever in Bachelorette history. His sister has a seriously modern haircut. They all three do, and they are all beautiful and seem to totally love their little brother. Except for the fart joke, that have a lot of nice things to say about him. Chris has a heart to heart with his mom by the fire pit. He doesn't tell her that her bra strap is showing.  I see a cat head in the background, so I"m not paying attention to what they're saying.

The family forces her to play Ghost in the Graveyard. Andi finds him and they kiss again behind a giant barrel, before getting caught by the entire family. He should be the next  Bachelor. She won't ultimately pick him, but he is a sweetheart.

Third hometown: Tampa with pro ball player, Josh

He's the one I like the very least, especially now that I learn he's from Florida. He says that he is pumped to see Andi. I don't like it when guys wear gold bracelets, especially when they also have long words tattooed on the inside of their forearms, like he does. What does it spell? ANDI? I am confused as to whether or not he actually still plays baseball or not and if he doesn't, what it is that he does with his time. Is he retired at age 28?

Hugs all around as she meets his family and the other main woman in his life, a pink-collared bulldog. Josh's brother, Aaron, looks just like Josh only not as cute. Same for dad.  They immediately start talking about sports and Andi is lost. Startlingly, Josh's mother looks exactly like Andi except with a little more frosted eye shadow. "Creepy!"Dan proclaims. The dad wants to know if Andi would plan on going to football games if Aaron gets drafted and the two of them end up together. Andi says, "Uh..." Sister also looks just like Andi only a little rounder in the face. Josh endears himself to me by being a crier. All of these families are nice. Oh no, group sports. Sister Stephanie wears the worst pair of patchwork pants that I've every seen. Josh aggressively pushes everyone out of the away so that Andi can make a fake touchdown in the yard.

Fourth hometown: Dallas with Marcus, sports medicine manager

Marcus re-enacts his most successful date with Andi by stripping down to his underwear. That pretty much sums up where they are in their relationship--nowheresville. Marcus confesses his love for her while still not finding the wherewithal to shave his face.  He has never brought another girl home to meet the family, he says, because they were never special enough. His dad will not be there because they hate each other. They all squeeze together on the sofa and Marcus' niece makes her a plastic bracelet. His mom wears all black, just like Andi. Wait, is this his mom or his sister? She looks very young. And also beautiful. Andi's mom/sister asks her if she's bugged by Marcus falling in love so fast. Andi says yes, and she's  not sure if she can catch up. He will be sent home, no doubt. Him or the ball player. Marcus cries telling his brother that he appreciates him being a father figure. And then he gives him a rose.  Oh, wait, that younger looking one was his sister. Now comes mom, who is possibly from Bolivia or Paraguay. I am not a linguist. Heart to heart between mom and Marcus. Dozing off slightly. He wears mint green shorts. She thinks that life would Marcus would be a fairy tale, because he would adore her and give her the world. Which is why she will dump him.

Death of a real person who was a minor character on this show

All the men and Andi are brought back together to wear scarves and learn about the tragic death of Eric Hill that she could've prevented if only she had liked him more. Chris stretches it out like the longest rose ceremony ever...and finally...tells them all...that Eric passed away. Andi cries, Nick rubs his temples, and the other two guys bite their knuckles. Marcus goes outside and Andi follows. Marcus says how weird this is. Andi says they should all go inside, instead of pairing off and taking advantage of the situation. Someone drops the camera and the whole crew comes out to embrace one another. Please cut to a commercial soon. I don't mean to be a dick, but they knew him for all of three weeks. I guess maybe is the producers way of trying to show that they care and maybe to avoid a law suit?

Final Rose Ceremony

Andi wears a green ball gown. Chris asks Andi if she's worried about making a mistake this week, because damn, that person could die. We will all die. The make-up person is cringing because Andi keeps ruining her mascara. Chris urges Andi not to think it's her fault, because Eric chose to be on the show too. Andi can't go through with the rose ceremony because of the death, but like...Is it totally self-involved for her to take it this hard? Or is it just crass of the show to profit from this loss? Chris tells Andi to suck it up because they don't have all day.

First rose: Josh, bball something or other
Second rose: Chris, farmer
Third rose: Nick, mauve suit
Going home: Marcus, sorry. Maybe now you can shave. Cue violins. She walks him out and says, It's
hard. I mean, trust me, there's a part of me that knows that you will give me the world. I would be lucky to be with you. Cue his sobbing. She tells him that he did nothing wrong, but she just didn't feel it.  He will also not be the next bachelor, but he might get a lot more dates now and ride this small fame into a marriage with someone and then everything will be okay, right?

Next week, it's the fantasy suite dates where they all have the chance to sleep with one another and we get to see all of them in bikinis.