What are the right reasons, anyway?

I missed a week because we were on vacation in the Outer Banks, and so I don't know who got kicked off, who threw a punch, and who turned out to be there for the wrong or right reasons. My main question is, Has Andi blown her nose yet? And why do the guys hate Nick so much?

We start in Brussels with accordions, which I guess is a Belgium type of instrument.  All of them are wearing women's scarves, because that's another thing they do in Brussels that is so cosmopolitan. I can't really tell who is gone, because all of the guys left look exactly the same. Oh, wait, it looks like she finally sent Kewpie back to the gym. That is honestly the only guy I recall as missing. Everyone else in the show has the same moussed hair style, bluish brown eyes, clear skin and orthodontia straight teeth. And no chest hair, as far as I can tell. They've all been shaved down for Andi.

First One on One Date with Marcus

Merci, merci. Marcus tells Andi that he's been writing in his Hello Kitty diary about her. It appears that last week, Marcus was going to leave because he loves her so much and it scared him. Then he realized he wouldn't get any more air time, and he changed his mind about leaving. Oh, and also because he's in love with her. They are having dinner at the Academy Palace. Seventeen  chandeliers blaze and their table is crowded with wine and water glasses and candles. As much as Marcus loves Andi, he hasn't managed to shave. Marcus tells a sad story about how his dad abandoned him and Andi breezes over that and asks him what kind of questions her mom might pose to her. Marcus then confesses that his mom beat them up when they were little. Oh, my God, wait until his mother sees the show. He is damaged. Does this make him more or less attractive to her? If she's healthy, she will see him as less attractive. If she's like me, she will decide they should move in together immediately. Every time he tells her that he loves her, she goes, Aw!! as if he's just showed her a picture of a puppy or kittens driving a doggie drawn carriage (see below).

Aside: Dear State Farm Insurance Commercial Makers,

Whenever I hear your commercial about singing the good neighbor song and having a genie appear, I almost break my arm hurrying for the mute button on the remote. STOP playing this ad.

Nick does not want to hear about the other guys one on one dates. He does that thing where he goes to her room because he decides that you don't get what you want without asking for it. The hotel concierge will lose her job shortly after this show airs, as she gives the room key to Nick without him having to provide any ID.  I don't get what's so crazy about Nick going to ask Andi to talk a walk. Why are they so Puritanical on this show in this way but then they have the fantasy suite card where they get to spend all night together? Andi and Nick make out against a lamp post and Andi finds it so so hot, she says. Maybe something is wrong with me, but I like this guy. They are making him out to be a bad guy though and so that means that he's likely going to be kicked off.

Second One on One Date with the Jock

Andi wants Josh to break out of his shell and tell her what he's feeling. Since he's obviously feeling nothing, this might prove to be a challenge.

Let's pause for a second and consider how crazy it is that we are supposed to kind of believe that ten guys have fallen in love with the same girl. Because that's the premise that the show posits. Am I resistant to this idea because...well, because it's usually completely the other way--women fall in love and men choose them or don't choose them? Does The Bachelor set up somehow feel more natural or believable, because women are supposed to be more emotional and prone to crushes and falling immediately in love and men seem less likely to do so? Women are supposed to want to settle down and men to constantly pursue while also trying to avoid being caught by any one woman.  Whatever the reason, I don't buy it. I don't buy that all of these guys think they are falling for her and want to marry her.

And I definitely don't believe that Josh is falling in love with her.
They have strategically placed glitter under her eyeball to make her that much more alluring. Josh says he's falling in love with her, but this is how he says it, "Like, I don't throw the word 'I love you' around lightly, you know, man? I only sorta say that kind of thing to the woman or women I might want to marry." They make out in the middle of a fake fog storm in an alleyway and I wonder if he will just snap her neck. That would be the most surprising moment ever.

Group Date 

I missed some things because I was brushing my teeth. Dan said all that happened was that she and some guy with a down-turned mouth re-enacted a scene from Ghost where they use all four of their hands to make an erection out of clay.

The date is outside of a castle and that guy who looks like someone from Mad TV is very upset at how fake and strategic Nick is being. So instead of being genuine, he tells Andi that he's "100 percent in love" with her and he can't wait to see his mom's face. Nick's over confidence does make him seem like kind of a jerk. Or is that what they want us to think? I don't recall any season of either B or B-ette where the guy who is made out to be a douche actually ends up staying.

Andi makes a speech in front of the guys and asks Nick if he will accept the rose, which makes all the other guys clench their jaws and Nick has to sit on his hands to keep from doing a fist pump in the air.

As a final humiliation, the three rejected guys have to squish into the back of a minivan together after putting their seat belts on first.

Cue fireworks.

When Nick gets back to the house, all of the guys give him the evil eye, especially the ball player who coughs as if he's giving a signal calling for a fast ball. You can see that he wants to beat the crap out of him. The guys look like jerks. They are saying that he's not there for the right reasons. I think it's more that they're pissed that she clearly likes him the best. I just want this episode to be over.

Cocktail Party and Final Rose Ceremony 


I am confident that the guy with the too-long hair and mullet will be going home. Probably also that too-cute farmer.

Andi arrives wearing a high-cut ball gown with giant mirrors on it so that the guys can check their teeth. The dress ages her by ten years. Chris finally gets some alone time with Andi and I notice that his head is super square. Chris also says that he's falling in love with her. She stares back at him coolly, blinking her false eyelashes. He sounds desperate and he is sweaty. I mean, sweaty and adorable. Nick paces and says he's relieved to say good bye to the guys. Here is where he blows it completely and she takes the rose back. Is he psychotic? Like, will he turn out to be obsessive? He starts crying talking about it.

Why don't they just get into a fist fight already? These guys are so competitive. It's embarrassing, but Chris took her outside to make out with her awkwardly. She says to the camera, You go farmer! He is doomed.

"There are six great guys in front of me right now, and I would be lucky to be with of ya'll," she says. Just ask them to drop trou right now and go forward based on that information.

First rose: Josh, will you autograph this baseball? Absolutely.
Second rose: Marcus, damaged goods.
Final rose: Chris, the farmer.
Going home: The mullet and the broad-shouldered one, Brian and Dylan. I don't really know which one is which. He holds his head back too far all the time. She says good bye and rubs their backs as if burping them.

Hey, Andi, stop saying ya'll.

Next week: Home town dates in Milwaukee, somewhere in Iowa, and a couple of other places.

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