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| Nick's outfit is a mixture of the above. |
First fantasy suite card: Nick, the Bad Poet
I missed the first half hour of the show due to extenuating circumstances. Here's what I can tell in a flash: they drink a lot of wine. They fly in a lot of helicopters. They touch their own hair a lot and bite their (own) lips. Nick says he has "a sense of wonder," which makes me want to vomit. He is reminding me more and more of Fred Savage. They obviously don't know each other at all because she's asking him stuff like what his most embarrassing moment is. He wears sixteen different kinds of pastels to illustrate that he has a sensitive side. They kiss loudly around a bunch of palm trees. He tells her that he loves a lot of things about her, including just, like, her. They go into the fantasy suite so he can say more things that sound half literary and half like he's never dated a girl before in his life.
Second fantasy suite card: Josh, Who Couldn't Care Less
Josh wears a blue checked, short-sleeved picnic tablecloth of a shirt unbuttoned to the middle of his chest. Where are they? Seville? Miami? He speaks Italian/Spanish. A local hands him an aphrodisiac drink, which he tosses back without a second thought. A lame golden dog looks on as Andi and Josh dance awkwardly in the square, his tail tucked between his legs (the dog, not Josh). They watch the local boys play softball and he can't help but hone in on the game, eager to beat these seven year old amateurs. Then he buys a gigantic fruit with alcohol in it and two straws. He says, "You know, like, I do love you, I love you, like, kind of, you know? I know you can't say any of that back, you know, but I just wanted to let you know that I feel stuff with you and that's all that matters to me, I don't care how you feel, you know? It doesn't matter one bit." The dog howls in the background.
Later, Josh, face sweating, confesses that he was literally afraid he would go home on the first night. Andi is dressed in a shapeless mauve toga. They loved seeing each other out there, they say. I don't know what they're talking about, on the softball field? Josh's sentences are long, repetitive ramblings with at least one cliched thought and four "you knows" thrown in. "I love helping out kids, you know? Kids are so great and like, I like to throw things at them, you know? It makes me feel good." He just said, "I love being happy, I love life, and life is great, and you are life and happy great." He's definitely drunk. Stop talking in the middle of a kiss! Dan says from across the room, "Headline tomorrow reads, 'Former Baseball Player Rapes Bachelorette in the Fantasy Suite.'" They move the make out session to the candlelit pool.
Third Fantasy Suite Card: Cowpoke Chris
Cue cows mooing. Sure, this Southern belle could see herself in living in Iowa. No problem. Longhorns ramble down a dirt road so that we are certain to recall that Chris is a farm hand. Andi shows up in yet another mumu and short shorts which are surely going to chafe if she rides a horse. NO, no one rides a horse in shorts. Come on. Andi tries not to panic when the horse begins to trot. I think she just got her period. She goes, "Where's the closest CVS?" (Dan told me to type that). They have the family recap and Andi agress that his family was okay. Dan likes Chris the best because even though he just said, "I loved when you hopped on my lap and went to town." Andi steps on a cow patty while searching for Chris in the underbrush. Later, she confesses to him that she doesn't feel it for him and would rather just tell him that and not blame it on Iowa. Chris listens and says he's glad she told him, and he respects her for that. She tells him that she feels like an idiot for not picking him. Her head and heart don't match up. Bummer, there will be no fantasy suite for the two of them. I'm glad she said something, but I wish she didn't cry while she did it, because then he has to comfort her. I also don't like it because I've done the same thing; it's a way to try to keep someone from being mad at you. He gives her a hug and I will bet you fifty dollars that he's the next Bachelor. He tells the camera that he didn't see it coming. He is model gorgeous. I think it's because she knows that she loves Nick.
Boring Recap with the Host
Another mumu in a series. Nick makes her feel very intense and passionate and Josh is goofy and giddy and possibly stupid. She keeps making that duck lip face whenever she pauses. I don't understand why she can't propose to them herself and why she still only gets to hand out a rose and they have to propose? And while we're at it, why not just go with Chris the farmer into the fantasy suite and see how it goes? I mean, have the extra ten hours of off camera time with him and see how you feel after that. You don't have to fool around, especially if you just got your period on a rented quarter horse.
Unnecessary Rose Ceremony
Nick shows up in a pastel checked shirt and then Josh shows up in a lovely blue blouse. He walks like he's carrying a walnut between his muscular legs. They wonder why Chris the farmer hasn't shown up. They give each other "What the---" looks. ANDI!!Change the mumu. Maybe she's already pregnant. Andi gives them the option to not accept the rose because "it's a two way street." She has used that phrase a couple of times already. Nick accepts the rose. Josh does too. Four minutes left. They will now both be going to meet her family, ya'll.
Next week is the dude recap. We know that she will end up with Nick.
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