The worst episode in the series--this time waster of a two hour fest where they bring back all of the dudes to recap what's happened so far, in case you haven't watched any of the program or in case you give a shit.
Oh, here's a twist, this old pregnant Bachelorette. Ashley, takes an ultrasound on "live" TV and they will be finding out the gender of their baby at the same time as us. What if the doctor is like, Oh, it's a kitten, or oh, it's not moving...This is beyond stupid. This is beyond exploitative. Cue women in the audience being told to open their mouths wide as if in amazement. Never mind anyone in the audience who might have lost a pregnancy or two or five. It's a boy! He will be the next bachelor in just twenty short years. They are going to name it Harrison, after Chris Harrison. God, I hope they're joking. I can't wait to see the live after-birth on the next episode, otherwise known as Cody.
Right, so the other part of the recap is the premiere of my next ten weeks of not writing a novel, Bachelor in Paradise. This is where they bring back the most annoying contestants from previous seasons and force them to live together and make out in hurricane type weather in the surf and fight with each other for all of the right TV-rating reasons. The one-armed girl returns to be humiliated further as all of the guys pretend not to notice that she has just this one full arm. They will bring back new arrivals each week. Only one black guy is participating and only one ambulance so far. Someone gets arrested and fifteen people get the human papilloma virs (HPV) on or around the anus.
Marquel is in the hot seat. Let us not forget that Andi picked CODY over him. Cody is the worst, the worst. Marquel explains the rejection as being the result of not ever being able to get out of the friend zone. I will explain it as the show not feeling comfortable showing a black man kissing a white woman. Producers, you're so open and this is so not scripted, so how about putting a black or Asian or Hispanic person as the main protagonist in the next season? Marquel brings black and white cookies and hands them out to the screaming fans.
Confession: I just ate like a whole tub of Kozy Shack pudding.
Marcus is now in the hot seat. He has not shaved for this episode either. He must have watched a lot of Northern Exposure right before going on the show. They go over his premature love confession and his numerous tears. He sits watching himself and possibly is contemplating getting his ear pierced. Chris asks if he regrets saying he loves her after two dates, and I wasn't really listening to his answer--oh, yes, he really was in love. Dan says, "If you love someone, say something." Not to the person, but to a policeman.
Andi comes to the stage wearing sparkles and a dress that is ridiculous short. Is she appearing in the Ice Capades immediately after this? Chris asks her what changed after the home town date. Andi says she had the most fun at Chris' house, but she didn't see the foundation. The truth is that she loves Nick and doesn't want to be with anyone else. She didn't want to go with Chris to the fantasy suite and have to sleep with him while imagining Nick. Marcus, who does not wear socks, wants to know if he scared Andi away but saying he loved her too soon. Cody says that she never did see the real Cody (referring to himself in the third person) and he wished that she had. We do see that he is wearing a denim shirt and possibly eye liner. He looks like David Bowie right now, but I'm sure he has no idea that he's coming across that way.
They will have to pretend to be serious soon to talk about the guy who died, right?
Blooper reel. I will not recap. That's enough, ya'll. Next week, stay tuned for the most dramatic rose ceremoy every. Dan just said, Who will win Andi?